Daily Archives: May 16, 2006

Operation Occupation

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A friend of mine is a crime reporter. One day he covered the story of a woman giving birth in a stairwell, ran into another woman giving birth, then later that same day saw two boys drown in the river. As he walked into the newsroom to write it up, somebody said, “Hey Jeremy, how’s your day going?”

He said, “So far, I broke even.”

I’m having that kind of day. My story for the paper got bounced back as too markety (which I worried about) but I’m in the top 30 WordPress blogs today. Since I’m on an internship I’m getting paid exactly the same for blogging as for reporting, so I have mixed smug/anxious feelings about this.

Admiral Akbar for President

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So this is our third celebrity campaign on the ol' raincoaster blog, and I have to say so far it's my favorite. Why? One word, my friends.

SQUID

Admiral Akbar for President!!! Squid!! SQUID!!!

Greetings and Salutations Global Citizen! 

For around twenty years now the fish faced shenanigans of the Mon Calamari known as Admiral Ackbar have been delighting we humans. Supposedly he was a great warrior and a mighty leader – that at least is what we are told in the Star Wars films. Yet his sole contribution to the almost disastrous attack on the second death star was to spin round in his chair,waving his flabby hands about, shrieking "It's a twap! It's a twap!". Anyone who witnessed the actions of Admiral Ackbar can be in no doubt – these were the actions of an idiot.Yet, contrary to popular belief, this idiocy was NOT a failing on the part of Ackbar. Nay. With his erratic arm movements and his absurd lisp, this Calamarian clown was actually attempting to boost the morale of the rebel troops – and just look at the results of Ackbar's watery wit. In one single day of sustained jestering, the Admiral managed to kill the emperor, destroy the evil empire and save Anakin Skywalker from the clutches of the dark side. Are these the actions of an idiot? We once thought that the power of the force lay with the jedi knights, but we can now see that it does not. The true power of the force lies with risible Vaudevillian comics like Admiral Ackbar.

VOTE ACKBAR

That is why we here at the UK offices of Finned Celebrities Co.(a subsidiary of Amphibious Actors(UK)Ltd.) believe that the comedic genius of Admiral Ackbar must be recognised now, and must be put to good use. Quite simply we demand he be made president of the entire world.

VOTE ACKBAR

Think of the rewards and opportunities that would arise for planet Earth if we had an oceanic bug-eyed clown ruling over us. Day to day problems like mass unemployment, a growing violent subculture, inadequate health care and the worst global economy this side of the Horse Head nebula would all fade into insignificance, for we would all be too busy laughing at the marine madness that is Ackbar.Just think – no more racial tension. All that xenophobia that seems inbred in we humans would be channelled into the ridiculing of the dome headed buffoon that would be leading our planet.

Global citizens unite – you know it makes (non)sense.Akbar Trading Card!!! Collect them while they're hot!!! Cuz ain't nuthin' so repulsive as cold, dead calamari

Manifesto 

(Complete and unexpurgated)

1. More fish for everyone.

2. Plenty of squid for just about everybody.

3. Erm…

4. I think that just about covers everything.

Eau No! Eau de Stilton

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Blue Cheese 

From Sploid. I have to wonder, though, about their use of the phrase "what may be the world's first cheese-inspired perfume." I mean, that's a sure bet if ever I saw one, if there's a merciful god in heaven and if there weren't, surely we'd have gotten the memo by now.

Though it's odor has been compared to a dead mouse, the folks who make Stilton cheese are introducing a new perfume based on the legendary stench.

The Stilton Cheese Makers Association is working with an aromatics manufacturer to produced what may be the world's first cheese-inspired perfume, Eau de Stilton.

The number of people for whom the scent of Stilton would be an improvement is mercifully small. And if you've gotten to the point where Stilton would make you smell better, you're probably not on the market for perfume.