the Living Intestine: the Juno Ledge Sea Serpent

We’re talking Sea Monsters, people. So you know we mean business.

Now, everybody knows that Nessie‘s just a big ol’ lump o’ dinosaur, not a serpent at all. And Caddy‘s a figment of some screech-addled sailor’s story-telling impulse. And Ogopogo…well, we do not speak of Ogopogo. The ancient Fossil Shark was a shark, after all, if quite serpentine in spots and from certain angles, especially in candlelight.

But now, at last, we’ve found a genuine Sea Serpent. My shrivelled and blackened heart leaps up

Beneath the surface of our crystal blue waters live a myriad of marine life.

Sometimes we can see them from the air — steely eyed shark congregating by the thousands, graceful stingray, gliding along the shallows.

But go deeper…

You never know what you’ll find. Just ask Jay Garbose.

“This is a first and I’ve traveled and video’ed all over the world.”

Take a look at what he found and listen to the story — it’s no fish tale.

“I was diving on Juno Ledge. That’s about a mile off shore of Juno Beach. At first I thought it was a sea cucumber although no one has ever seen one stretched 7 to 10 feet the way this one was. It’s sort of grey and putty like and very smooth and taffy like in the way it stretches. Some of my friends and I have sort of dubbed it the living intestine.”

And it is just exactly as beautiful as that description would lead one to believe. At first, I thought it was a hoax. Once I saw it moving and had observed its blundering, slow, mindless, horrible writhings, I prayed it was a hoax.

Click to view, if you dare.

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words

from the Archive.
  Wednesday, September 04, 2002

I was in a writing course once and the instructor asked people for their favorite word. Felt like a freak once the others opened their mouths, but that’s okay, because everybody there, from the buzzcut lesbian to the grannies with their eyeglasses on decorator chains claimed that their favorite words were “love” “hope” “peace” etcetera. Ad nauseum. Mine was “wallapalooza” which is as far as I’m concerned as fine a word as you will find anywhere, although nauseum gives it a run for its money. I got it from Oprah, which is indeed a fine lineage for a word.

To his credit, the instructor’s face fell. Oh dear, you could see him think, one of THOSE groups. The cat ladies. He immediately dropped his usual references to Greek tragedy and substituted what he could remember of Agatha Christie, James Herriot, and, stretching a bit intellectually, Jane Austen. This was before Chick Lit, you understand.

I still like WALLAPALOOZA better than “hope!”

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loltrek, the lol of lols

i can has nerdgasm?

we has tribbles and also troubles

First there were lolcats (and note, please, that I am restraining myself from using lolspk here, or even l33t for verily, I am way dignified, yo).

Then there were lolgays. and gebrils. They’re big on gebrils. We even hear there are lolgeeks

Now, to complete the lolfecta for the grand prize, there is:

loltrek.

oh hai u want tribblz?

As if this grand conceit were not already pluperfect, please identify the source of the following vintage meme, for additional geek points and a free virtual propeller beanie:

oh hai, i has meme

and here is your soundtrack, for rocking and geeking out.

Numa, numa, baby!

and they called it puppy love

Osmonds World!

And they called it puppy love
Oh i guess they’ll never know
how an old fart really feels
and just why I can’t let him go…

Mortifying Confession Alert: I used to steal my little sister’s Donny and Marie albums and listen to them when she was asleep, particularly the really corny tunes. But my parents figured it was probably healthier for me than sneaking out to go drinking, so they didn’t interfere.

What can I say? I had a boring youth, even for a Canadian. In fact, I had a number of boring youths…but that’s a tale for another time.

and they called it GenX love
just because I’m past my teens
tell them all
please tell them it isn’t fair
to take away my only dream

Donny! Osmond! and yes, I had that album. Well, my sister did. Wonder if she ever figured out where it went?Yes, ladies, we can still live the dreams of our youth, particularly if we take our glasses off for that nice, soft focus that makes everyone look just a little bit more like we remember. Donny Osmond is back, and raincoaster’s got him. Or at least, I’ve got this silly flash game, which is the next best thing. Compare and contrast to the Britney Spears Grab the Sex Tape game: Toss Donny a rose from the back row of the concert hall and make him fall in love with you.

Awwwwwwww.

I drive all night
to go see you
these seats are a real pain
I hope and I pray
that maybe someday
I’ll be down (I’ll be down) in the front row
once again

If he snatches your rose, you advance to the next level, which is something like a very euphemistic version of the life path of Pamela DesBarres. Also, if you go up a level he throws you a kiss and sings yet another song of the Seventies, and quite frankly, can you ever have enough of either of those?

someone help me
help me
help me please
will he catch it in his glove?
how can I
oh how can I tell him
to ignore that bitch, Courtney Love

You cannot pass up this opportunity. You cannot fool ol’ raincoaster here: she scored a part-time gig as a surveillance tech for Santa so she sees you when you’re sleeping, she knows when you’re awake, she knows when you’ve been bad or good and she sure as HELL knows you’ve still got that unrequited crush on Donald Clark Osmond, so don’t just sit there, do something about it! Don’t forget the life lessons the Osmond Family taught us: don’t end up like the two in this ancient classic. Seriously, it’s worth slogging through to level eight, just to hear him do Barry Manilow‘s immortal Mandy. Should I mention the current high scorer in this game is named Aaron? You GO girlfriend!

someone help me
help me
help me please
should I lob it up above?
how can he
oh how can he catch this?
this is not a puppy love
(this is not a puppy love)
(this is not a puppy love)
not a puppy love
(this is not a puppy love)

(oooooooh yes it is)

Donnie Osmond Pillowcase, yay! Sweet dreams. Sweeeeeeeet dreams!

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calls for Cthulhu #4

Another episode in our favorite series of (cephalo)podcasts. Here is the Great Cthulhu taking viewer’s calls and dealing with telemarketers as we all wish we could.

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