A friend once asked me to collect a computer and monitor for him. I had a car at the time, he didn’t, so I said yes. I went around to the house where I was to pick up the computer and knocked at the door. It was a Saturday and the football was on, so I wasn’t surprised to be greeted by a bloke in football strip with a tinnie in hand.

He invited me in and told me to grab a seat while he waited for an ad break. So far, so normal.

What was far from normal was his coffee table, replete with more tinnies, crisps and chilli dip. The coffee table was actually a woman, dressed in latex, curled in a ball on her back, arms contorted to support her, with her legs on her chest supporting the glass table top. She was bound and gagged.

The bloke had collapsed onto the sofa and put his feet on the “table” before his spotted me goggling.

“Don’t worry mate, she gets off on being used as furniture. Offside or what!!!!!”

I left with the computer as soon as I could, although I did wonder what images might have been left on it.

As for the other incident, I’ve run out of time but might pop back again to detail it. Suffice to say that, unlike Frontier Former Editor, I have seen a handcuffed sofa before. It was in good shape, unlike the man attached to it…