Kim Jong Il: welcome to Antenora

Kim Jong Il my urine will bring us victory

Kim Jong Il my urine will bring us victory

There’s no use wishing Kim Jong-Il will rest in peace, because that would be the farthest thing from justice this or any other world could perpetrate. If it weren’t such a long walk, I’d put my dancing shoes on for this. Instead, in keeping with my new mantle of professionalism, I have decided to make this exclusive photojournalism report on Kim Jong-Il‘s journey to Antenora, the Second Round of the Ninth Circle of HellFirst, let’s remember the Beloved Leader as he was in life:

Yep, that’s pretty much it. Now direct to our exclusive coverage, featuring pix from those intrepid photogs over at the World’s Suddenly Least Purposeful Blog, KimJongIlLookingAtThings.

Kim Jong Il looking at coal

Kim Jong Il looking at coal

He got his first inkling of trouble when he suck a peek at his Christmas presents.  Things got worse from there, and soon the omens were unmistakable. Acutely conscious of his approaching death, Kim looked to his successor to seize the reins with an iron hand and urge the country forward into the new century with vigor and strength.

Kim Jong Il looking at Kim Jong Un

Kim Jong Il looking at Kim Jong Un

That’s it, we’re fucked.

Kim Jong Il looking at Putin

Kim Jong Il looking at Putin

Nonetheless, he kept smiling in the face of danger. Even when it was Telling Him Things. Look, palski, I don’t know how to be telling you this, but you fucked.

Couple more details to be taken care of before he was ready to face the inevitable.

Kim Jong Il looking at a headstone

Kim Jong Il looking at a headstone

I don’t know; it’s just not special enough. don’t they come in ormolu? Can I get something like that little girl from Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil? Putti?

And then, the fatal moment!

Kim Jong Drill

But we think we’ve tracked down the assassin:

Go Get 'Em Zombie Havel!

Go Get 'Em Zombie Havel!

Zombie Havel to the rescue! Now, can we sic him on Kissinger?

Once in the afterlife, Comrade Beloved Leader Kim had an unexpectedly lengthy, if photogenic, journey to make.

Kim Jong Il ticketed

Kim Jong Il ticketed

After a little misunderstanding with the conductor about whether or not an anthem would be properly played as he boarded (the conductor’s choice of Run DMC’s You Be Illin was not approved) Our AntiHero grabbed a strap and it was All Aboard for the Underworld.

Kim Jong Il poses beside the Styx

Kim Jong Il poses beside the Styx

He stopped for a few obligatory tourist photos, and is seen here posing beside the Styx, a careful hand on his wallet. I mean, you just never know what kind of company you’ll find yourself in once you start taking mass transit!

Kim Jong Il waves to his assembled fans

Kim Jong Il waves to his assembled fans

Beyond the Veil there is no compulsory attendance at rallys in celebration of national leaders. Glorious Leader learned it the hard way, with this embarrassing picture to show for it. A hearty bird was flipped, and he moved on.

Kim Jong Il visits Circe and some old collegues

Kim Jong Il visits Circe and some old collegues

Just like any dutiful friend, he droped in on some old collegues, now retired to a Greek island.

Kim Jong Il reflects on what could have been

Kim Jong Il reflects on what could have been

And that’s heaven! Hahahahahaha, not that you’ll ever see it up close! Now step to, Pudgy!

At least there was some good news.

Kim Jong Il urns for your love

Kim Jong Il urns for your love

Whodathunk I could ever slim down enough to fit in there? This is AWESOME!

But at last, Fearless Leader arrived at the Hellmouth.

Kim Jong Il looks into the mouth of hell

Kim Jong Il looks into the mouth of hell. It is surprisingly banal.

Travels through the various levels of Hell, including the heretofor unsuspeced Hell of Too-Small G-Strings and the Hell of Big Box Store provided Glorious Leader with novel sensations, including the never-before-experienced one of embarrassment.

Kim Jong Il realizes he doesn't have much of a view

Kim Jong Il realizes he doesn't have much of a view

Hahahahahahaha, Heaven is even farther away now, Pudgy! Keep trudging!

But it was not all hard slogging; the heavy mood was occasionally lightened by his travelling companions.

Kim Jong Il doesn't get the joke on Twitter

Kim Jong Il doesn't get the joke on Twitter

Look what they’re saying about you on Twitter! It’s hilarious!

But “trending” is good, right? I’m trendy? Right?

Kim Jong Il goes down the rabbit hole

Kim Jong Il goes down the rabbit hole

A brief visit to the Hell of the Condemned Korean Buffet was more than enough, and Fearless Leader made a quick, if undignified, exit.

Kim Jong Il lands in the deep end

Kim Jong Il lands in the deep end

He was hoping to make quite a splash, but instead fell flat in the Hell of Speedos. But it got worse.

Kim Jong Il and the Hell of Accordion Music

Kim Jong Il and the Hell of Accordion Music

It seemed like his sojourn in the Hell of Country Ballads would never end.

Kim Jong Il in the Ninth Circle of Hell

Kim Jong Il in the Ninth Circle of Hell

Finally, Kim Jong Il arrived at the frozen lassitudes of the Ninth Circle of Hell, the Hell of Traitors, and was ready for his orientation.

Kim Jong Il learns to pull a train

Kim Jong Il learns to pull a train

Here he is seen taking instruction in the important art of pulling a (Spanish?) train.

Kim Jong Il better be thirsty

Kim Jong Il better be thirsty

Pictured here picking up his daily allotment of Satan’s jizz for snacktime. Hmmm, tastes like brimstone and asparagus.

Kim Jong Il and Cthulhu

Kim Jong Il and Cthulhu

So that’s what happened to Cthulhu after you got through with him? Impressive.

And, of course, getting that all-important local etiquette primer.

Kim Jong Il finally sees a familiar face. In Bar #3

Kim Jong Il finally sees a familiar face. In Bar #3

You’ll never guess what the first rule of Hell Club is.

But don’t feel too bad, Kim. We wouldn’t want you to be ronery. We’re sending Zombie Havel to round up some of your friends right now.

The two of them have been soul-dead for decades

The two of them have been soul-dead for decades

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3 thoughts on “Kim Jong Il: welcome to Antenora

  1. Pingback: Afternoon Links: Joe Jonas Hospitalized With Stomach Pain

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