Just. Fine. Thank. You.

Audible punctuation in my sentences is always a bad sign. If I also narrow my eyes while. enunciating. clearly. , adopt a defensive posture IMMEDIATELY: Stop, drop and roll and if you’re lucky you won’t be hit by the fallout. If you’re really clever, you’ll keep on rolling to the liquor cabinet and roll back with a very large, very cold stirred Botanist Martini for me.

and how was yours, motherfucker?

and how was yours, motherfucker?

“It’s not a done deal.”

There are many points in life when you don’t want to hear those words, but I’d venture to say that among the very mostest so is the seventeenth of the month when you are expecting to move into the house on the first of the next month. From your landlord.

Or maybe not-landlord.

Particularly having packed up everything you own and thrown it in storage at a cost, thanks to enthusiastic but amateur labour, of about $300 more than one had budgeted for labour.

THIS is my fortune?

THIS is my fortune? From lunch Saturday.

I. God. Damn. Well. Better. Be.

The possibility exists that he’s hoping to leverage my desperation against the price of the rent and pop it up by a hundred or so a month, which would frankly make this a non-possibility for me; I took that off the table immediately by being upfront about how much I do and do not earn in a month. As it is, the place would take slightly more than 50% of my income, but the lifestyle rewards would more than make up for that in my book.

It is indeed a lovely house in a lovely pocket valley with lovely vineyards, a spectacular view, a half-hour walk from my friend’s barn with her two horses, and a couple of blocks away from the covered riding arena. When I asked what the facilities fee was for the riding arena, I was told there is no fee.

Also, plenty of room in the house for Julian, should he wish to take refuge on a Canadian Indian Band reservation, with a very aggressive attitude towards independence from whitey’s Big Sweatervest in Ottawa. If the RCMP or, god forbid, the Yanks, set foot on the Rez for the purposes of nabbing Jules, there would be an international armed uprising the like if which hasn’t been seen since we Canucks looted and burned the White House. So, either way this is a win for a revolutionary, right? AMIRITE?

He's all like, I dunno, whatever you say, raincoaster

He’s all like, I dunno, whatever you say, raincoaster

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12 thoughts on “Just. Fine. Thank. You.

  1. Hey, I’m a yank. And I was totally hoping to step foot on your property at some point — even if it does lack a nabbable Jules.

    In fact, Nabbable Jules would make a pretty solid band name. If you’re in the market. For band names.

  2. I always know someone in the market for a band name. But I’ve seen pictures of you and I think Julian can take you in a fight, so if it’s just you the Yanks are sending to do the dirty work, we’ll just get you tanked on proper Canadian beer (9%) and you’ll forget the idea.

  3. I have no fucking idea. Apparently he wants references now: I offered him references three weeks ago via email and he said, “Let’s just talk about the details once you’re up here.” So basically I’m going to snow him under with references. I have one coming from my friend Alex attesting to my horse skills, and Lori will do one for me (and she knows everyone in Penticton and everyone knows her) and I’ll get my friend the judge to write one: that is, the judge who is also the heir to the Kingdom of Sind. And I’ll get my friend who won the Jubilee Medal for his work on the Downtown Eastside to write one, and I may ask my friend with the Order of Canada to write one.

    Ain’t NOBODY can drop names like I can when I have to.

  4. Oh for fuck’s sake. I hope this works out for you. Moving is hell and doesn’t need additional levels added to it!

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  6. what the fudge indeed. i meant to send this to you last night but for some reason did not. it’s still appropriate:
    A VERY hard day

    i’m glad you ended up writing about this. please keep us updated this is the move from hell – hopefully will pay off in the end. ffs times infinity.

  7. Thanks, Elvira. Yeah, who knows what’s up with the sudden cold feet, but I did get a whiff of frost weeks ago when I said “why don’t you email me a lease agreement” and he wouldn’t. If this is about money, I’m about to become homeless, because I simply cannot afford to pay more than we were talking about.

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