Your New Favorite Christmas Carol

If you’re as foul-mouthed and as Christmas-spirited as I, you will need to make room in your (three sizes too small?) heart for this tune from British babe band Fascinating Aida. If I get the time and the stupid Gay Macintosh wheel ever stops spinning on this eight year old machine, I’ll write out the lyrics, but I’m pretty sure you can make them out yourself.

What time is it? CHRISTMAS LIST TIME, MOTHERFUCKERS!

That’s right. Get the pen and paper ready, cuz I’m only going to go through this once. If you’re seriously lazy, just go through raincoaster’s Amazon Wish List but you’re not, are you? You like it hard.

I do, in fact, have a shipping address now although for several opsec reasons there’s no point in attempting to SWAT me there. Like, I’m not actually there.

Here we go. Make sure your wallet is sitting down for this; we don’t want the loonies to fall, do we now? Pour yourself (and perhaps your wallet) a nice tumblr of something bracing and let’s begin, shall we?

No Place to Hide: Edward Snowden, the NSA, and the U.S. Surveillance State for obvious reasons. And no, I’m not going to torrent it.

Chanel 19 or Chanel Allure eau de parfum, or Christian Dior Dune eau de toilette. Or Casmir by Chopard, which happens to be 75% off right now. Hey, I’m easy. If you can’t decide, just get them all.

Fun novelty yarn and knitting needles to make a hat and a circle scarf, because all mine are still up in Penticton and I like knitting.

Cross training shoes and/or running shoes, size 8 1/2 and some workout gear. Technical pants, rain pants, thermals, that sort of thing. Because this “being fat” thing? I’m so over that shit.

Pierre Omidyar’s cellphone number. I’m gonna give him an earful about being on the payroll since July with nothing but zeroes beside my name.

Speaking of phones, a phone would be nice. Doesn’t have to be a new phone. But this iPhone 3 is not long for this world and I’ll need another mobile device of some kind. Of course, if I got Pierre’s number I would just tell him John Cook promised me a new laptop and phone, plus phone plan and rocket stick for unlimited internet and that would be that. Well, until someone tells John Cook anyway, but what does he care?

A pony. A Caspian Horse would do, but I might need a sturdy Welsh cob at least until I lose some weight. A horse would be an acceptable substitute. Plenty of room in the back yard here, and if the neighbors ask about it I’ll just say it’s my support animal.

A walking or workout buddy to make sure I get offline at least for one hour a day. Gym membership is not exactly practical, given I never know where I’m going to be from one month to the next.

Bubblebath, bath oil, bath bombs all accepted gleefully, especially any that smell like real roses. Put that $13 no name gift pack back on the drug store shelf, it’s not what I’m talking about. Love by Escents is just about perfect, and so is their Spice one.

Chocolate truffles, chocolate coated almond brittle, or the like are all gratefully accepted. Salted caramels too!

While we’re on the topic of comestibles, let’s discuss beverages:

Good quality coffee is a necessity, and as I have a Bodum coarse ground is what I need. Or a manual coffee grinder; I find the grinding quite soothing and I do it while going through my email in the mornings. It’s better for my adrenal glands than plunging right into reporting after brushing my teeth.

Armagnac, any Scotch that begins with L or B, The Botanist or Hendrick’s gin, or a fancy liqueur that mixes with a hundred things like Grand Marnier would make special occasions that much more special. I’m very tired of ordinary drinks. Very.

But ordinary wine? Whoooooooole other story. Bring it on. Merlot, Cab Sauv, Cab Merlot,  or some more unusual grapes would be great. Whites? Chardonnay, Sauv Blanc, or a nice dry sherry like Alvear’s Fino. For sparklies, I like Cava rather than Prosecco, and frankly can take or leave Champagne. That’s one expensive taste I never picked up, along with truffles, which I loathe.

Any old-fashioned or weird bar gear would be good. The Wish List has a ton of Reidel stuff, but anything that would be in James Bond’s bar cupboard would also do. Second hand or first hand. And what the hell, an Absinthe fountain would always remind me of the time Rebecca bought me an Absinthe at Clive’s after Social Media Camp.

When it comes to beer, I like anything but lagers and pilsners. My favorite, oddly, is Central City Red Racer IPA, but it’s a special case. Love Winter Ales, Dubbels like Grimbergen, any beer that tastes like fruitcake in a glass. Red ales are also on my favorites list, along with pumpkin ales. And do not turn your nose up at that pumpkin spiced whiskey from Spicebox; it’s actually quite good.

I could use some good pots and pans, particularly now that I’m not moving around so much and have a home base of sorts. This Calaphon Cookware set is just about the platonic ideal of what I’m talking about here. One thing I’ve learned from living in a dozen different houses over the last year: you can get away with cheap knives, if they’re sharp, but there is NO substitute for good pots and pans.

Fun scarves are always welcome, as are fun socks.

Cheeses, particularly blue, aged cheddars, California jack cheese, St. Andre Brie, or goat cheese camembert, along with some Carr’s table water crackers, would be very welcome. Why is there table water in the crackers? I’ve never known and always wondered.

Anything for the table made of silver would be awesome; silver plate is fine. By this I mean teaspoons, pickle forks, sugar tongs, knife rests, napkin rings, etc, etc, the more mismatched the merrier. I collect this stuff.

I also have a silver charm bracelet, and silver charms are el cheapo but still impressive. It shouldn’t be hard to find a charm that says something about me or something about you. How about this nice wine bottle? And it’s on sale!

A new backpack with a section to protect my laptop would be good. The one I have is several years old and although it’s holding up incredibly well, it has shredded parts on the straps. And of course high quality luggage would never be turned away, particularly a very large rolling suitcase. The ones I have with me are small, and you can just fit much more in one big one rather than three small ones.

A cosy sweater that comes down below my butt would be awesome; cardigan or not, I don’t care (size 18 alas!). Or a simple tunic top. In fact, now I’ve found leggings that fit, I might never wear anything else. Except my beloved Thuggies, of course, of which I would accept: The Grim Sleeper Zip, the Safety First, the Original Lumberjack in red because I already have blue, or the Peguin. In Mini Thug, as I have dropped a size thank GOD.

Come to think of it, Agatha Christie books would be swell. Most of mine were stolen by our neighbor when we lived in Richmond, and I haven’t replaced any of them. Still love Tommy and Tuppence and Miss Marple, though.

Can I think of anything else? A massage? A bathing suit, but you can’t buy that for me; it is impossible to successfully buy swimwear for a woman other than one’s self. FACT. Anything that makes travel easier or time off more fun would be welcome, basically. How I wish Greyhound had that “one year pass” deal in Canada. I’d have saved a thousand bucks this past year.

 

UPDATED TO ADD: who ARE these people sharing this post to Facebook? Well, they’re more ambitious than me, that’s for sure.

I’d also like a nice feather pillow and a new white sheet, the last one having been basically worn and torn to shreds over the past year. A new laptop (did I mention that?) and a portable bluetooth speaker. And meat; I’m not particular what kind, having had bear, venison, moose, and other exotics. Just: meat.

PedoBear and LiLo: Together Again at Last!

Pedobear

Pedobear

So, can someone tell me what PedoBear is doing in Lindsay Lohan’s new game for kids?

Welcome to Tofino: an #OpHippie Flashback!

From now on, any time anyone asks me what Tofino was like, I’m just going to point them to this post on Facebook.

 

Sooo … This morning I found a ponytail in our car. Doors were unlocked, nothing was taken but the seemingly fresh (I sniffed it, smelled like Pantene Pro-V) tail was wedged between the drivers seat and the middle console right by my belt. I’m certain it wasn’t there before. I have not much to say other than *in true Trading Post style* “If you accidentally borrowed the use of a random car to cut off a ponytail, please identify yourself so I can go back to feeling peaceful”

Sooo ... This morning I found a ponytail in our car. Doors were unlocked, nothing was taken but the seemingly fresh (I sniffed it, smelled like Pantene Pro-V) tail was wedged between the drivers seat and the middle console right by my belt. I'm certain it wasn't there before. I have not much to say other than *in true Trading Post style* "If you accidentally borrowed the use of a random car to cut off a ponytail, please identify yourself so I can go back to feeling peaceful" ;)

It’s like that. It’s just exactly like that.

So, I went clubbing…

Started out kind of meh, but things got better.

As you can see here:

I think I may go shopping tomorrow. Especially if it’s like this.