Here is everyone’s favorite velvet-throated thespian Alan Rickman, reading Laurie Lee’s poem The Long War for Peace Day, which was, apparently, September 21st. I wish they’d tell me these things ahead of time.

The Long War is a title which has been applied to any number of seemingly-endless conflicts, most recently used by the Bush administration to describe their “War on Terror” which has been the excuse for the continuing encroachments on civil liberties both within the US and around the world.

From The Long War by William S. Lind:

Long wars are usually strategic disasters for winners as well as losers, because they leave all parties exhausted. If they work to anyone’s advantage, it tends to be the weaker party’s, because its alternative is rapid defeat. The Rumsfeld Pentagon certainly does not see the United States as the weaker party in its “Global War on Terrorism.” So why has it adopted a long war strategy, or more accurately lack of strategy, unless one sees national exhaustion as a plus?

The answer is a common strategic blunder, but again one that is seldom seen up front; it normally arises as a war continues longer and proves more difficult than expected. The blunder is maximalist objectives. In a speech announcing the QDR, Secretary Rumsfeld said, speaking of our Fourth Generation opponents,

“Compelled by a militant ideology that celebrates murder and suicide, with no territory to defend, with little to lose, they will either succeed in changing our way of life or we will succeed in changing theirs.”

Guess which one won.

The Long War
by Laurie Lee

Less passionate the long war throws
its burning thorn about all men,
caught in one grief, we share one wound,
and cry one dialect of pain.

We have forgot who fired the house
Whose easy mischief spilled first blood
Under one raging roof we lie
The fault no longer understood
But as our twisted arms embrace the desert where our cities stood
Death’s family likeness in each face must show at last our brotherhood.

My Harry Potter Spoiler of Doom is: Draco Malfoy becomes a billionaire in the software market by using Mooncalf dung Get your Harry Potter Spoiler of Doom

Actually, anyone such as myself who PAID for WindowsME could tell you that this one came true.

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::

But she’s gone. Hope somewhere a desperately enema-deprived hack is happily snickering into his posset. And drunkenly spilling it right into his shrivelled and dusty lap.

Anyway, here’s four whining Yorkshiremen: Eddie Izzard, Harry Enfield, Vic Reeves and the Voice of God himself, Alan Rickman.

And transcript, courtesy of BadKittyCat over the jump.

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::

Eddie Izzard: Ahh… Very passable, that, very passable, indeed…

Alan Rickman: Aye! You can’t beat a good glass of Chateau de Chassilier…

(Eddy Izzard seeing the reaction of the public to Alan’s intervention: “Oh! I think Jesus has just come in”)

Vic Reeves: Aye! Who’d a thought forty years ago we’d all be sittin’ here drinking Chateau de Chassilier?

Harry Enfield: Aye.

Eddie: In them days, we were glad to have the price of a cup o’ tea.

Alan: Cold cup o’ tea!

Vic: Without milk or sugaaarrrr…

Harry: OR tea!

Vic: Or Hermes Sweetes…

Vic: Or Canesten…

Vic: You know, we were so poor we couldn’t afford a cup. We used to drink our tea out of a passing turk slipper.

Alan: The best thing that WE could do was to suck on a damp rat!

Harry: Aye! But you knoooow, we were happy in them days, weren’t we? Even though we were poor.

Eddie: BECAUSE we were poor. My old Dad used to say to me… “money cannot buy you a nuclear radar system”.

Vic: You know. We used to live in a tinny little tumbled down ol’ house, wit’ holes in th’ roof.

Alan: A house?? You were lucky to have a HOUSE! We used to live in one room, twenty-six of us, no furniture and half of the floor was missing…

Harry: You were lucky to have a ROOM! We used to live in th’ corridor!

Eddie: Ohhhh we used to DREAM of livin’ in a corridor! It would’ve been a palace to us. We lived in an old water tank in a rubbish tip. We got woked up every morning by having a load of turk slippers dumped all over us!

Vic: Well when I say it were house it were more like hole in ground. We had a dirty rotten old tea towel with a picture of a Yorkshire Terrier eating a macadamia nut dropped by a passing heinkel.

Alan: We were evicted from our heinkel! We had to go and live in the lake!

Harry: You were lucky to live in th’ LAKE! There were a hundred and fifty of us living in Happy Meal box in middle of th’ motorway.

Eddie: Is that a cardboard Happy Meal box?

Harry: Aye… they were all made of cardboard… aye

All: Aaaaaye…

Eddie:You were lucky!! We lived for three months in a rolled up corpse in a septic tank. We used to have to wake up at six o’clock in the morning, get up unnnravel the corpse, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down mill. Fourteen hours a day… week-in week-out… for sixpence a month! And when we got home, our Dad would thrash us to sleep with his willy!

Vic: Aye!

Alan: Luxury!! We used to have to get out of the lake at three a.m., eat a handful of hot gravel, and then work twenty hours a day at the mill for tuppence a month, and then Dad would beat us about the head and neck with a broken bottle, IF we were LUCKY!

Harry: Aye. Well, of course WE had it TOUGH. We used to have to get up out in th’ middle of the night, LICK the motorway clean wit’ tongues. From junction one to nineteen including slipways. Then, after a meal of our own shit, we’d go down the mine… I mean, not the mine… am pissed now!… We’d go down th’ mill, aye, work twenty-four hours a day, seven days th’ week, for four pence every six years, and when we come home, our Dad would slice us in two wit’ bread knife.

Vic: RIGHT! I used to get up at half past ten at night in the morning, half an hour before I went to sleep, eat a pile of hot steaming poisonous magma, go to work at mill for twenty-eight hours a day and pay mill-owner for privilege of lettin’ us work there. And when we got home at night, our father would murder us in cold blood mind. Aaah!! but then! He’d murders us in cold blood, buries us and dances on our graves singing “yes, sir I can Boogie”.

Eddie: And you try telling the young people of today that…and they’ll be HIGHLY sceptical…

Stolen from Myspace, which stole it from Mugglenet. If anyone has the original link, I’d be much obliged if they’d put it in the comments so I can add it. Found it!

1. Ask him why he ‘doesn’t have such a cool scar?’

2. Laugh at him.

3. Wake him up by singing Beach Boys songs in his ear. ‘Round, round, get around, I get around…’

4. Knit him things. Really hideous things.

5. Give him kangaroo-ears for a month.

6. Smile during Death Eater meetings and say you taught him everything he knows.

7. Chew bubblegum all the time. Should he address you, your only response will be a series of huge bubbles in quick succession, the last of which will burst everywhere and make a mess.

8. Dance the Funky Chicken.

9. Ask him when was the last time he took a bath.

10. Pat him on the head and give him flowers when his plans are foiled yet again.

11. If you ever need to say ‘Like taking candy from a baby’, be sure to add ‘Of course, SOME of us might find that harder than others.’ Stare pointedly at him.

12. Play ‘knock-&-run’ at his bedchamber door late at night.

13. Call him ‘The-Man-Who-Let-the-Boy-Live.’

14. Ask why the Dark Mark couldn’t look like something ‘more socially acceptable?’

15. Insist that you have met chunks of cheese with more cunning plans than his.

16. Pinch him. Make sure he squeals.

17. Be cheerful.

18. When he tries to impress you with his powers, say ‘Awwwww, lookit. Voldie’s got a twiggle!’

19. Try to teach him to play a mouth organ.

20. Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under your breath like ‘You’re the boss, boss’ or ‘It’s your funeral.’

21. Greet him in the mornings with a sarcastic ‘My sir, you look particularly menacing today.’

22. Taunt him about his middle name. ‘Marvolo? What’s that – a washing detergent?’

23. Keep a ‘good-behaviour chart’. Award points and give out gold stars.

24. Magic-marker Potter-style glasses on him while he sleeps.

25. Apparate into and out of his room rapidly. Do this non-stop for an hour. *poof* there *poof* gone *poof* there…

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::

26. Play cards with him. Tell him he has no poker-face and how does he expect to rule supreme without one?

27. Let off party-poppers in his face whenever the urge strikes you.

28. ‘Did you even HAVE a girlfriend? Like, ever?’

29. Get a pair of finger puppets closely resembling himself and Harry Potter. Re-enact all of Harry’s victories over him in a spectacularly childish way. Be sure to give them both squeaky voices.

30. Anytime he enters any room, insist on entering first and announcing him grandly.

31. In these announcements, fake a trumpet noise and give him an equally fake drumroll.

32. Exclaim sarcastically ‘You’re breakin’ my little heart here, O Dark One’ whenever he starts to talk of what caused him to become who he is.

33. Encourage him to ‘think happy thoughts!’

34. Ask him to give you written summaries of his sinister plots for revenge and war. Correct his spelling.

35. Mock his choice of Quirrell as a ‘host.’

36. Tell you think a yoga class could ‘cure him of his wicked ways.’

37. Get the song ‘Mr. Tambourine Man’ stuck in his head.

38. If he’s having evil-plotter’s-block in one of his scheming sessions, ‘Wingardium Leviosa’ a light bulb to float above his head. Turn it on. Look offended when he gets angry and say you thought you were helping!

39. Tell him constantly to stop repressing his anger.

40. Buy him a stress ball.

41. Hint that he is only a character in a book and will never triumph.

42. Call him Tommy-boy.

43. If you’re feeling gutsy, call him Voldie-poo.

44. Whack him in the arm and say ‘mosquito’ – every few minutes.

45. Say he ‘looked better under the turban.’

46. Eat his pet snake. Offer him some.

47. Endeavour to teach him to steeple his fingers, lean back and say ‘Eeeexcellent’.

48. Start drawing outlandish parallels between his life story and ‘Star Wars’. Talk at great length.

49. Be generally in awe of him and never look away.

50. ‘Imperio’ his Death Eaters into a rousing chorus of ‘All Things Bright And Beautiful.’

51. Shower him with confetti and rice, anytime you think he needs to make a ‘grand entry.’

52. Paint all the Death Eater masks with bright colours and glitter.

53. Throw him a ‘Carebears’-themed birthday party.

54. Tell him what Snape’s really up to.

55. Politely exclaim now and again that you don’t know how he can be so afraid of dear old Dumbles.

56. Sing ‘California Dreamin’ at the top of your lungs when he’s trying to have an ‘evil moment.’

57. Should you ever be eating with him – drum tunes with your cutlery, play with your food and blow bubbles in your chocolate milk.

58. Ask him to dance a polka with you.

59. Work cutesy phrases like ‘pushing-up-daisies’ and ‘smooth-as-a-baby’s-bottom’ into conversation as much as possible.

60. Ask him if he’s sure ‘the whole evil-maniac-out-for-power-and-revenge thing isn’t getting a bit old?’

61. Get him to play ‘Twister’ with you.

62. Tell him you know this great therapist in London….

63. Throw Tupperware parties. Insist he sit through them.

64. Tell him you’ve met plenty of people more evil than he.

65. Hide his teddy bear. That ALWAYS makes him cry.

66. Get him a plant. Act mortally offended when he doesn’t water it and it dies.

67. Steal, snap and bury his wand.

68. Tell him Lucius did it.

69. Give Rita Skeeter full knowledge of his whereabouts and contact details.

70. Remind him that he isn’t even really alive.

71. Write him a theme song. Start singing it whenever he is about to do or say something particularly clever and nasty.

72. Offer to sacrifice Draco Malfoy ‘to the cause.’

73. Insist on reading him bedtime stories. Include ‘The Ugly Duckling.’

74. Make vague allusions to Harry Potter being his son.

75. When he’s done something particularly nasty – cross your arms, waggle a finger and say ‘Now now, do you really think Salazar would have approved of that?’

76. Ask him how he can possibly wish to harm a single hair on the head of ‘that sweet, innocent, cute little boy.’

77. Tell him Wormtail has a crush on him.

78. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophecy.”

79. Leave disgusting and rotting dead things near him. Insist that it is ‘Aromatherapy.’

80. Begin any question you ask him with ‘Riddle me this!’ Emphasis on Riddle.

81. Do not EVER act in the slightest way intimidated by him. Treat him as you would an eccentric aquaintance.

82. Cuddle him at random moments.

83. Sign him up for Little-League.

84. Ask him why he’s afraid of a frail old man with a beard the size of a beehive and can’t fight babies.

85. Throw biscuits at him. Constantly.

86. Tell him you think evil master plans of world domination are ‘kind of girlie.’

87. Quote Argus Filch. Insist HE will one day rule the wizarding world.

88. Wonder aloud whether the name Voldemort commands as much respect as, say, Potter or Dumbledore.

89. Mimic everything he says in a sing-song voice.

90. Mimic everything he does with exaggerated limb-movements.

91. Write sonnets for him.

92. Insist he help you with the newspaper crossword every morning.

93. Follow a few paces behind him, spraying everything he touches with a can of disinfectant.

94. Tell people he’s ‘really just a big softie.’

95. Psychoanalyze him. Conclude that he is ‘mildy depressed’ and ‘a bit of a control-freak.’

96. Mock his baldness.

97. Smile and say loudly ‘Who loves you, Volders?’ at inopportune moments. (Ie: another of his attempted ‘evil moments’)

98. Get him drunk.

99. Drag out a banjo at Death Eater revels and start playing ‘Kumbayah.’

100. Let him catch you trying on Death Eater robes.

101. Be Harry Potter. Be alive.

102. As he’s plotting dark deeds, pretend to cough and mutter things like ‘Not gonna work, or ‘stupid.’

103. Call him ‘Champ’ or ‘Tiger.’ Refer to yourself as ‘Coach.’

104. Three words: Potter Puppet Pals.

105. Ask him where he gets his garlic-scented soap.

106. Ask him to dye Easter eggs with you.

107. ..at Christmas.

108. Make him dance in the rain with you.

109. Insist that this is to cleanse his soul.

110. “Accidentally” schedule him a him a haircut.

111. ..even though he’s bald.

112. Be offended by everything he says.

113. When he gives you an order, stare at him blankly and drool.

114. Invite him to go streaking.

115. Kill Harry.

116. On the next Valentine’s Day, decorate his lair.

117. ..make sure the decorations are pink and frilly.

118. Tell him that getting the same plastic surgeon as Michael Jackson was definitely a bad idea.

119. Paint his fingernails hot pink while he’s sleeping, then place a permanent sticking charm on them so he can’t remove the color.

120. Whenever you look at him cover your eyes with your hands and scream “IT BURNS!!!”

121. Bake him scar shaped cookies, but insist it wasn’t purposeful.

122. Trade his black robes in for pink pajamas.

123. Insist that it’s opposite day and paint a lightning bolt on his forehead.

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::