Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but broccoli is a robber’s best friend.

Emeralds for elephants yes you read that right

Emeralds for elephants yes you read that right

Just a couple of jewel robbery anecdotes, the first from the Tatler magazine, which used to be the most breathtakingly glamorous and vaguely scandalous thing out there. Ah, that was a long time ago. Now it’s Town and Country, with worse teeth. Both posts inspired by this dazzling jewel robbery on the Riviera, where by tradition all dazzling jewel robberies take place.

You know, on the one hand crime=bad. On the other, COOOOOOOOL!

I don’t know why, but why not? Non-violent jewel robberies are beautiful, beautiful things. There are some great stories out of London; in one case, a big emerald stone went missing while a shifty, Arab-looking man had been looking at a tray of loose stones. They stopped him, locked the doors, called the police, and had him searched thoroughly. The entire time he loudly protested his innocence and outrage and threatened to sue them. They couldn’t find a thing, inside him or out, so they had to let him go. A week later the cleaning woman found a wad of gum under the counter where he’d been looking at the gems, with the outline of that emerald pressed into it. He had a conspirator come by later and retrieve the stone from its ingenious hiding place.

and the second story, more a piece of advice really. But thanks, Officer Friendly!

I was working at Starbucks, and one day the bank a few doors down was held up. The bank staff holed up at our store, drinking cocoa and shaking, and the cops holed up at another table to discuss the case. One went up and placed their order, and I was working bar, which gives you a chance to chat to people. The cop came up to me to pick up the drinks and he said, “Promise me something.” I said okay, because I have a thing for men in uniform, and he said, “Promise me you won’t rob a bank.”

I said OK, because that had not been in my plans anyway.

He said, “Promise me you’ll rob a grocery store instead.” All of a sudden this conversation had become MUCH more interesting. I asked him why a grocery store.

“Because if you rob a bank you’ll get, at most $1800 and a minimum of five years. If you rob one of the big grocery store chains on a Friday night, you’ll get $20,000 minimum, and a maximum of 18 months.”

Well, thank you Officer Friendly. Noted.

Make your career plans accordingly.

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Spirit Animal

It has been a long, hard day of work…no, wait. That’s not quite right. It has been a long hard TWO days of work packed into one from-10-am-Monday-to-5-am-Tuesday stretch, thanks to getting three article assignments after 9pm, due by dawn. Gee, thanks. Remind me to delete all article pitches at 7pm sharp and simply re-post them the next morning.

Anyhoodle, I ran across the Dancing Queen of Eastleigh here and I just wanted to say that she is my spirit animal. I haven’t got the strength to do this right now, but if I did, I would. Because this queen needs some backup princesses to really make this look work.

  • Tim Wayne

    Tim Wayne 2 weeks ago

    I wonder if this woman knows she put a smile on the faces of over a hundred thousand people.

    · 21
  • Jane Rowland

    Jane Rowland 2 weeks ago

    Hi Tim, yes she does know, through me taking this video I have now met her and we have become friends… she is so pleased she has made people happy and she still dances at the bus stop every day. :D

    · 27 in reply to Tim Wayne

The Prancing Pony of Penticistan

First Nations pony is also overjoyed

First Nations pony is also overjoyed

When I mentioned on Facebook that I was coming to the wild Penticistan steppes above Ruralopolis, I never thought that the locals would take it upon themselves to create a Welcome video for me. Apparently, they were so overcome with joy at the thought that soon the mighty raincoaster would roam the sagebrush slopes above the lake, gibbering softly and occasionally making nameless sacrifices on mysterious altars on the hilltops, that they created this gloriously Canadian multiculti work of art to welcome me.

It appears they think I do not know what is meant by the term “Indian pony” but we will let it slide. After all, OMG PONIES!

2012 in review for the ol’ raincoaster blog

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

About 55,000 tourists visit Liechtenstein every year. This blog was viewed about 340,000 times in 2012. If it were Liechtenstein, it would take about 6 years for that many people to see it. Your blog had more visits than a small country in Europe!

Click here to see the complete report.

SUCK IT LIECHTENSTEIN!

Julian Assange Yay

At Least SOMEBODY is happy for me

Greatest YouTube Comment in History

Spencer Cox would have liked this comment

Spencer Cox would have liked this comment

Or, probably, in the future as well. In all of recorded time and space, in fact. And just think, Nick Denton, if your place hadn’t become a cesspool of festering Deadspin lunkheads, you could have had this on your site.

In response to an AIDs denialist in the comments on the video of Spencer Cox from the previous post:

mabonwy 16 hours ago

Oh, honey. Spencer’s toenails were better than you. They had a higher IQ, more credibility, and a better likelihood of being remembered with fondness. Spencer is now redecorating the halls of Valhalla while the best thing you can think to do with your completely unjust continued life is to troll YouTube, forsooth, in order to eke out tiny shreds of the attention you crave but can gain no other way. Because you have nothing to offer the world. You are wholly contemptible. Go pour salt on yourself.

Selah.