Hair Now

This post is an update to The Shape of Things To Come, on which we are making steady but (very) slow progress. Although not that “coming” part lately. MOVING ON!

Purple Reign

Purple Reign

So this is what I’ve decided on in terms of hair colour. Given that my hair is coming in a nice streaky silver/steel at the roots, and I’ve been a blonde since I was born (with a two year hiatus for Strawberrycoaster) it seems like a refreshing change. And the colours now are not quite as permanent as they were. I already own eight hundred items of grey clothing, so what the hell. I figure if I get it done at the Aveda school, somebody with training is supervising them and I can probably almost afford it. Also, when it grows in, the silver roots will work well with the existing lilac, although I may want to streak some semipermanent colours up into the grey so it doesn’t have as sharp a demarcation line. Victoria Potter at Demicouture recommended Aveda, and numerous friends recommended Manic Panic, so between the two of them I should be covered for the next, enpurpled phase of my life. This is the first time I’ve had enough grey to rock it as opposed to having it just dilute the natural blonde, so I might as well REALLY rock it, no?

UPDATE:

Edited to add that I think this colour goes very well with my new name from the Benedict Cumberbatch name generator: Boobytrap Covergirl. Yes, Boobytrap Covergirl. TOP THAT! Total Hippie Occupy Bond Girl name.

Purplepunzel

Purplepunzel

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Hot Dog Legs has Legs

Octodogs are eight times as hawt

Octodogs are eight times as hawt

What does it take to create a Tumblr that’s destined to go viral? Apparently it takes either: a) a Snooki-brown tan, a modicum of body oil, a good waxer, and an absence of visible musculature OR b) meat by-products.

Insert post-feminist joke here.

Hot Dog Legs is the very latest in one-joke virality, the new star in the firmament which already contains Jay Z’s 99 problems and exploding actresses, among many, many others. Hey, it’s Summer, don’t over-think things!

This Tumblr doesn’t even have any words to process, so there’s no risk of brain overheating. The concept is simple: photograph after photograph of the “same” thing. Are they hot dogs, or are they legs? Is that self-tanner or natural? Are those smokies or cheddar-stuffed? What does this say about the objectification of women and the human beings as meat metaphor? I don’t know, pass me another Margarita.

There is, it must be said, something about these photos that brings to mind cheap sunglasses, menthol cigarettes, and calories ingested in liquid form.

The post-literate simplicity of the site has not interfered with its popularity (to continue with the Snooki comparison). Their Facebook fan page was created less than a month ago, on July 28, and still has 3,186 Likes. The page’s own Likes include Gawker media, Sausages, 7-11, and the infamous, and apparently horsemeat-containing Ikea hot dog.

A few notes for aspiring legs and hot dogs: corn dogs will never work, because ain’t nobody got a complexion that bad. An even tan is essential, as is skin thick enough that the veins don’t show through. Don’t even think about trying this if you haven’t shaved or waxed recently, even if you’re blonde. There will be zero crossover between this blog and, say, FuckYeahHairyLegs, although the respective models might be interested in exchanging phone numbers.

WikiLeaks: the personal care product line

Julian Assange protect the truth condom line

Julian Assange protect the truth condom line available soon at a store near you!

So, one evening I was hanging on Twitter with hacktivists and freedom fighters from around the world (as one does) when one of them came up with a brilliant plan. Not only will it garner huge media coverage for its salacious possibilities, but it will raise money for WikiLeaks and Assange‘s lawyers at the same time as contributing in a very direct way to making the world a cleaner, more attractive place.

Thanks to @Treisiroon for collating them all, and @SeasangJ, @Pandymonium01 and @AssangeC for playing along. Your cheques are in the mail. As for the rest of you, put your suggestions in the comments section.

And yes, I DO know I’m opening this up for trolls.

Announcing WikiLeaks personal care products!

Contradiction fragrance, a woman’s perogative.

Clean as a Whistleblower soap.

Mendax fragrance, the scent of danger.

Mendax fragrance, nobly untruthful.

Mendax fragrance, From Melbourne to Nairobi, Cambodia to London, The Truth Will Set You Free.

Mendax cologne- because you pwn it.

Mendax cologne… awesome audaciousness.

Mendax cologne, The Scent of Freedom.

Mendax cologne, Get A Whiff of the Truth.

Mendax Gentleman’s overnight bag slash travellers case.

Mendax condom for all night lulz. [hmmm, I foresee difficulty marketing a condom which causes one or one's partner to collapse in fits of laughter. Or is that just me?] specially treated so no DNA remains ….”Swedish tear test approved DS9001.”

Mendax condoms, because he knows he’ll need it.

Mendax condoms, love the audacity.

Mendax: Dare to Wear it! [unsure whether this refers to condom or cologne, so suggest gift packs containing both, just in time for the holiday season]

Julian, transparent masculinity. [I rather think this is a condom as well. Either that or some kind of macho wrestling body oil]

Redacted deodorant, because not everything should be shared.

Asylum fragrance, too hot to handle.

Silver Fox haircare. [can we get Anderson Cooper as a spokesmodel?]

Oh, the possibilities are endless. Thanks to all who participated in this crowd-sourced effort to diversify WikiLeaks. Remember, united we stand, diversified we profit!

Super woman

Let’s review. Yes, I’m embarked on a body makeover quest, or in my case a “get back to what my body was like my whole life before the last five years” quest. I actually have run a marathon, and I’d like to do that again. If I can’t do it while being a freelance writer, I will never manage to find the time. I trained for the marathon while working 60-80 hours a week at Starbucks, for god’s sake, but that was back before Anonymous had become interesting and Wikileaks was only a twinkle in Assange’s eye, and now I have other things that keep me nailed to the desk 18 hours a day.

What I want is:

Mylene Farmer could never be called modest

Mylene Farmer could never be called modest, but if YOU looked like that, would YOU be?

What I can actually achieve is:

Ginger Spice would be nice

Ginger Spice would be nice

and my timeline is two years. There’s an Anon running one of the major European accounts who ever now and again informs me that he cannot wait to see the results (although when I told him I’d just bought two damask corsets, he insisted there was no need to wait on taking pictures, and could I upload some immediately, please). Anonymous r srs bznz.

I just found a pretty cool motivational video, too, so forgive me if I edit it to autoplay when I hit a particularly bad plateau. I’m getting right back on that diet, too, just as soon as I finish this bottle of Johnny Walker. Funny how Johnny Walker is actually incompatible with walking…except to the liquor store.

Once, back when I was training for a marathon, I jogged six miles to the liquor store, bought a bottle of Bombay Sapphire, refused a bag because I’m all green and shit, and then had to run six miles home with a bottle of gin in my hand. I looked like the choosiest thief in town.