Attack of the Ukelele Kitteh

It’s almost still Wednesday, so here is a unicorn chaser for you: A sweetly bowtied serenader performing “Nerdy Love Song” and  competing frantically with an adorable kitten for control of a ukelele. If this were any more hipster it would be artisanal, which is to say it would be on Vimeo instead of YouTube.

NERDY LOVE SONG
by DeAnne Smith

C Am F G

I wanna be your abacus baby
you can count on me
and I won’t say that I love you or I heart you,
but I will say less than 3, I less than 3 you

Your molecules must be moving really quickly
’cause girl, you’re hot.
Are you igneous, metamorphic or sedimentary?
All I know is, baby, you rock.

if god existed, I’d thank him for you
but I’m rational and i read (a lot of) Sam Harris
you’re beautiful like the font of Garamond
but I wanna see you sans serif.
(take your pants off)

I wanna be your abacus baby
you can count on me
I observe your quarks oscillating,
and I’m formulating a g-string theory

I’m an archaeologist and I’m gonna compute your age,
yeah, I’m wanna absolutely date you
you make me feel like a male giraffe
I wanna nudge your rump, make you urinate, and mate you (that’s what they do)

the value of my love for you
cannot be expressed exactly
it’s more irrational than pi
hey “Fuck” is a legitimate word in Scrabble, just FYI

I wanna be your abacus baby
you can count on me
you can suck me into the supermassive black hole
at the center of your galaxy (I’m talking vagina)

I may not be the biggest or strongest
but my knowledge of grammar shines
I know how to use the words further and farther correctly
every freaking time

farther indicates physical distance
and further a depth or degree
example: the moon is getting farther from the earth
about 4 centimeters annually (true fact)

example: you just keep getting further into my heart
wait: you just keep getting farther into my heart
no, wait: you just keep getting further into my heart
hang on: you just keep getting farther into my heart

I wanna be your abacus baby
you can count on me
if the situation is ambiguous
further and farther can be used interchangably (that’s a rule! I knew that all along)

I wanna be your abacus baby
you can count on me
and I won’t say that I love you or I heart you
but I will say, I less than 3 you
(please take off your pants)

Via Mok, the Magic Man in the comments on Gawker

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Fuck the Yule Log Video: Lil Bub Wins Christmas!

Lil Bub rules yule

Lil Bub rules yule

It’s a fact! Take that musty old VHS tape of the Christmas yule log and toss it on the fire, because there’s a new time-waster in town. The internet’s cutest cat, Lil BUB, has come out with a full hour of her napping and purring by the fireside.

Seriously. That’s all it is. One cat drooling and making noises and intermittently sleeping, with a fire in the background. Enjoy!

What could be better than an hour of a magical squonking, snorting and purring BUB at a cozy fire?

Loop it on your screen, and let BUB warm your home with SCIENCE and MAGIC this holiday season.

GOOD JOB BUB and HAPPY HOLIDAYS

I’m considering a career change

Lisa we have to talk

Lisa we have to talk

Seriously, this “childcare” thing looks hella fun! I can playtest plotlines for my novel while earning money and watching tv. Of course, I’ve been told that pet care pays better (and a quick search through Craigslist confirms this) but you know how cats are.

Fuck This cat

Fuck This cat

They’re even worse than editors.

Unacceptable Cat

Unacceptable Cat

GPOY: me interacting with cats

Mucho thanks to Golden Retriever cross Murkin here for taking a bullet for me in demonstrating how cats typically react to me, him, and everyone else who couldn’t give a rat’s ass if all the feline world dropped off the face of the earth tomorrow. Dude, better you than me, but I pity you, I really do.

Ask Michael K over at Dlisted put it (better than I ever could have):

The feral cat’s name is Thomas O’Malley Flufferpants (I can’t with that name). A big-hearted foster family took him in and he almost immediately got sweet for the family’s dog Murkin. To say that Murkin isn’t feeling cuddly for Flufferpants is an understatement. Murkin is the Penelope to Flufferpants’ Pepé Le Pew. Stay with Murkin’s face while watching the clip and you’ll see a priceless gallery of side-eyes, sighs, roll eyes and emotions that range from “THIS bitch again?” to “I should really look into building a water moat around me.” I haven’t seen such an obvious display of MEH for pussy since Richard Gere kissed Jodie Foster in Sommersby.

Poetry. Sheer poetry.

Ecumenical Holiday Unicorn Chaser Roundup

Katamari Damancy Christmas Katamari

Katamari Damancy Christmas Katamari

Christmas is coming and Hanukah is here already, so here’s an equal-time hump day Unicorn Chaser to freshen up the longest week of the year on the longest night. Light it up with this innovative, nerd-resonant solution to your seasonal decorating challenges: the Katamari Damancy Christmas … Thing.

Equal time: Zebranukah

Hanukah in black and white

Hanukah in black and white

Who says there are no Jews in Africa?

Hey, FLASHBACK TIME!

Tinfoil Christmas

Tinfoil Christmas

The thing about these tinfoil trees was you were supposed to buy one of those rotating multicoloured spotlights so it wasn’t actually prettily silver or colourless; it would throb alternately in red, blue, yellow, and green, like a pagan discotheque on Mars. If you tried to use one of these things nowadays, you’d probably scramble cellphone signals for a square kilometer around. Comedy gold.

But let’s not see it as Two Solitudes; let’s see it as partners.

Hanukah and Christmas kittehs

Hanukah and Christmas kittehs

Oh don’t they just look SO pleased to be celebrating the season together? You can’t see Druid Kitteh, as he was up in a tree at the time this photo was taken.

and, last but not least, in fact foremost in Unicorn Chaserianism, is this video of puppies playing under the tree. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww…