Category Archives: Cthulhu

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The Birth of a Meme

You can blame Julian Assange for an awful lot: This whole Cablegate kerfuffle. The Collateral Murder video. Embarrassing virtually every nation and security company on the planet. Really stunningly poor relations with at least two exes. Annoying the staff at the Ecuadorian Embassy by humming to himself too loudly on occasion. That jacket.

And now, this. It’s all yesterday’s fault.

Words, my friends. They fail me.

Particularly when the poster in question fails to back it up with the magical words “I’m buying.” Sigh. Tease. Story of my life.

Now this girl, she has got it going on. Or had. Since nobody has heard from her since posting this.

Here Cthulhu! says Summon Cthulhu Kid

Here Cthulhu!

Seriously, I’m dying to find this kid and her dad, for soooo many reasons. So many questions.

  • Did she summon Cthulhu?
  • Did she do it twice, since she got over 2000 Likes?
  • Did she summon Cthluhu instead and if so what does s/he look like?
  • Did she summon Cthulhu and then just pick a random additional Great Old One to summon, and if so which one and why?
  • This.
  • Who the hell is she and where did she and her dad come up with this brilliant idea? Seriously, I want to interview her for the Daily Dot if I can find her but the only lead I’ve got is that it was uploaded to the Atheism Loves You Facebook page on Monday and they can’t remember where they got it. Anyone?
  • Also, what is an atheist site doing supporting theist endeavours such as this, however eldritch and unspeakable they may be?

COMPLETELY UNRELATED POSTSCRIPT: Today’s celebrity encounter, thanks to a comment I made on a story Fidel wrote about “Sex and the City” author Candace Bushnell.

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Sunday Songlist

Worship Cthulhu

Worship Cthulhu

Welcome to Sunday. Sunday is, quite obviously, the most important day of the week.

It is the day the restaurants close.

In an age of over-adequate labour supplies and chefs, sous chefs, and assistant-sub-sous chefs, there can, of course, be only one reason for EVERY FUCKING RESTAURANT I WANT TO GO TO being closed on a Sunday. TWICE IN A ROW.

Everyone on staff has gone off to worship.

Cthulhu worship

Cthulhu worship

For those of you picturing neat rows of Episcopalian pews filled with shiny, freshly-scrubbed food and beverage staffer faces, allow me to shatter your dreams now. Think back to the last time you were at a good restaurant. The bartender, the waitstaff, the chef, the buspersons…did they look familiar from church? Did they even look like the type of person who goes to your church? I think not. I very much think not.

Yet, Sunday closures. Therefore, they must be Cthulhu worshipppers. It’s the only logical conclusion. When everything impossible has been eliminated whatever is left, however improbable, must be the truth, and you KNOW those people  don’t show up at your church, now do they? So does it really matter what flavour of damnation they choose, whether it’s Lutheranism or SisterWifeism or Whateverism? No. But restaurant staffers, if they’re clever, know exactly how to play the angles. They know how to pick a winner and glom on to him like there’s no tomorrow, which is why Gordon Ramsay’s busboy is the same as he was twenty years ago, only with more scars.

Hence, Cthulhuism.

Cthulhu Worship for doubters

Cthulhu Worship for doubters

Now there’s a religion that pays out for your investment. The stars are going to align almost any day now and when they do, acolytes of the Cult of Cthulhu such as myself and all non-fast-food restaurant staffers are going to be on the top of the world, along with loathesome, towering monstrosities of which you’ve never dreamed in your worst nightmares. If you really, truly doubt that Cthulhuism has infiltrated, influenced, and irrevocably changed mainstream culture, listen up: has there not been a VAST increase in the number of women insisting on being eaten first?

I rest my case.

Now, let us sing, Cthulhian-hipster style.

The Fishy Song

Hey There Cthulhu

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Aquatic Dragon Sighted!

Aquatic Dragon off the coast of Victoria

Aquatic Dragon off the coast of Victoria

What a day for nature lovers! Classic Rock radio 101 has reported the sighting of a rare Aquatic Dragon off the coast of Victoria, BC! Praise Cthulhu, we thought they had been hunted to extinction, along with their distant cousins, the Pacific Tree Octopus. This amazing creature, nearly 100m from its savagely curved beak to its tippiest tentacle, once blotted out the skies in its annual migrations from the Arctic plateaus to a still-undiscovered location somewhere in the South Pacific. Such were its numbers, and its fierce fighting ability, that it seemed unthinkable the species could ever be threatened.

That was, of course, before the advent of aircraft. Their soft, boneless bodies proved no match for slashing propellers and insatiable jet intakes, and for a generation or more the skies were greasy with carnage. You think you know how calamari was invented? Let me tell you, it was the act of a hardscrabble wartime population desperate for protein of any kind. When the planes flew overhead, housewives would run into the streets with buckets to catch the crudely hacked pieces of Aquatic Dragon that fell in a slimy torrent from the skies.

And soon, all too soon, it was all over.

WWII had done irreparable damage to the breeding population, and it is believed that nuclear tests in the South Pacific may have destroyed their traditional wintering grounds, leaving them with an unsustainable, nomadic, and doomed few survivors. This latest discovery is heartening in the extreme, for this juvenile specimen attests to the atavistic survival of at least two healthy Aquatic Dragons somewhere off the coast of Vancouver Island. My old alma mater, Miskatonic University, is gathering specialists in marine biology and herpetology to undertake an expedition in search of the creatures.

Hey, what could go wrong?

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Coffee, anyone?

Cthulhu coffee is tentacularly tasty!

Cthulhu coffee is tentacularly tasty!

After the night I’ve had, make mine a decaf.

On the upside:

So yeah, validated.

But I’m telling you, for the next little while I don’t need any god damn more surprises. CHEERS!

have a cup of Cthulhu!

have a cup of Cthulhu!

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Guess who’s back?

Teenythulhu Rises!

Teenythulhu Rises!

via Archie

It’s been awhile since we had any spectacular tentacular action here, and I aim to get correcting that ASAP. As soon as I can free myself from the tentacles of Operation Global Media Domination, that is: I’ve taken on the Morning GIF on the DailyDot, plus my other work, including a kickass interview of Christine Assange, Julian’s mother, which should be coming out today sometime; I’m teaching at EatDrinkTweet, a three-day conference in the Okanagan for social media, wine, and food (always an epic good time and great learning too); I have a backlog approximately three years deep of posts for the food blog; and I’m working with ACTUALLY FAMOUS productivity expert Mike Vardy on developing an entire line of learning products for people who aren’t handy to one of our Social Flow workshops. Oh AND thanks to re-reading my friend Alanna‘s book for the third time, I’m now doing some WordPress and social media work for her while she looks for other opportunities for me.

Hence the Blogthings, picture posts, etc. We shall return to our regularly scheduled perving, swearing, politicking, and absurdism anon.

Oscar Wilde is Anonymous

Oscar Wilde is Anonymous