Oh, Ship!
07 Sep 2010 Leave a Comment
in Cthulhu, Science, Travel, Weird, YouTube, geek, horror, meme, news
WE NO HAZ UR BUKKIT DOOD!!!
It’s not all fun and games out there on the deep blue sea.
That’s CCTV footage of the giant cruise ship the Pacific Sun, being shaken up like a snow globe by the powers of wind and water or perhaps something a little more sinister. If you cruise around LiveLeak, Break, or YouTube you can find any number of videos entitled “DEADLY 20 FOOT WAVE” and so on, but really, a 20-foot wave is nothing. For devotees of Cthulhu such as my fine self, we don’t even notice anything under “Cyclopean” unless, that is, it’s non-Euclidean.
Non-Euclidean waves will always have a special place in my heart, as will the HPL geek who wrote this spell-checking program and included the word non-Euclidean therein.
If you’re a sea geek like me, you probably watched, though claimed not to enjoy The Perfect Storm, but of course you had the book years before. And from that book, you probably remember many terrifying oceanic factoids, such as the fact that waves far higher than the theoretically possible maximum of 150 feet are routinely spotted via satellite imaging, and that a rogue wave once blew out the pilothouse windows on the Queen Mary, and further you remember that the pilot house windows on the Queen Mary are – get this – 92 feet above the water line. The wave was so tall that, even at an altitude of 92 feet, it was sufficiently thick and powerful that it crushed steel-framed, reinforced glass.
So yeah, enjoy that cruise vacation.
They're actually saying Iä! Iä! Iä!
Cthihuahua fhtagn!
12 Aug 2010 4 Comments
in Chihuahua, Cryptids, Cthulhu, Humour, Pets, Weird, animals, horror, humor, lol, mashups, meme
The Cthuloid Cabazon Floyd; now it all makes so much sense!
Many warnings have we uttered. Many Cassandra-like cries have we cried to the oblivious masses. Not once, not twice, nay, not even thrice have we attempted to spread the truth about these malevolent, trembling mole-rats. We have shouted from the rooftops and twittered from the back alleys yea unto an thousandtimes, but have ye listened?
The Hell ye have.
we must strike back in the daytime, while they are trapped in purses around the globe
Let me give it to you straight, people: Chihuahuas are not simply evil, snappish, inbred yap machines, they are the spawn of the Great Old Ones themselves, come to Earth to subjugate mankind.
And from the neurasthenic, snappish comments on this Gawker post, they seem largely to have succeeded.
The woman dropped off 33 chihuahuas on Wednesday and nine more on Thursday morning. One of the chihuahuas gave birth to a puppy on Thursday, bringing the total to 43. All but six of the dogs are under the age of two…
and all but two of them needed spaying/neutering, and, in true Cthulhuonic fashion, they were deeply inbred, with all the revolting mental and physical deformities that go with that unspeakable aberration. But, right, I already TOLD you they were Chihuahuas. What’s most alarming is the number of commenters to whom the same descriptors can be applied.
You rarely see Rottweiler people getting pissy about people who don’t like Rotties. When was the last time you saw some undersexed, overmedicated chainsmoker screaming at someone because that person said their Labrador was “not a dog” eh? EH? The Labrador, you see, is a dog, as is the Rottie. As are the mutts at the pound, and the surly curs of Cairo back alleys, but as are not the tiny, fanged demons known as Cthihuahuas. They have obviously infiltrated the minds of the unwary, or the weak, and seized control
Long have we known, but been unable to prove to the doubters (a situation with which this far-ahead-of-its-time-and-incidentally-overhyphenated blog is all-too-familiar). Now, finally, from a remote Antipodean outpost not terribly far from the last reported sighting of The Great Cthulhu comes photo proof:
CthiCthuaCthua KNEEL DOWN AND WORSHIP, BITCHES!!
World’s Least-Cute Octopus Found
03 Aug 2010 7 Comments
in Cthulhu, Science, Weird, Wildlife, animals, news, octopus
Remember when we brought you the world’s cutest octopus all the way from the frozen waters of Eastern Canada? Isn’t the little fella just adorbz?
Well, now we’ve gone and found you his (literal) polar opposite: an Antipodean octopus so unstoppably noxious that that its poisonous venom flows at will even at sub-zero temperatures.
According to Wired (hey, when did they get on the Cthulhu beat? I WILL NOT BE MUSCLED OUT, YOU CARPETBAGGERS!!!):
“Antarctic octopus venom works at temperatures that would stop other venoms in their tracks,” said biochemist Bryan Fry of the University of Melbourne, who led the expedition…
The venoms are being studied as potential sources of pain-killers, Fry said, because they work on the nervous system. So far, analysis of the venom has revealed two toxins that are new to science.
Ah, but not to us Comparative Folklore majors, eh?
Octo-Newf, world’s cutest Newfie
21 Jul 2010 14 Comments
in Cthulhu, Science, Weird, Wildlife, animals, octopus
That is an as-yet-unnamed-but-obviously-world’s-cutest variety of octopus that’s been found by a new expedition to the dark depths off Newfoundland. I suggest “Octo-Newf” as it is both geographically specific and way cute. As we’ve mentioned before, cute is critical in our contemporary media climate. You’ve gotta have a gimmick if you hope to knock Boat Smashing Whale off the evening news.
Peeler Video!
23 Jun 2010 9 Comments
in Crabs, Cthulhu, Scientology, Weird, beaver, gross
This shocking video must be seen to be believed! Prepare to be mind-blown as you watch this leggy beauty take it aaaaaaaaaaall off!
Your cognition has never been so dissonated!
(except by this)
Cthulhu Sex Tape Shocker!!!
12 May 2010 6 Comments
in Allegory, Crabs, Cryptids, Cthulhu, Culture, Dating, Humour, Paris Hilton, Porn, Sex, Squid, Weird, YouTube, horror, humor, media, meme, news, octopus, sad, tasteless
Appalling, yet undeniable. Even Mighty Cthulhu, devourer of souls, ravenous feaster of darkness who thrives on terror and the shrieks of the innocent, has fallen this low. I mean, crabs had to come from somewhere, amirite?
First, Cthulhu goatse photos leaked to the internet. Now, a blurry, night-vision sex tape. I ask: Can a reality show be far behind?
Those aren’t snakes, boyo.
Yeah, honey, don’t even THINK about going to the Labour Board with this. IF YOU VALUE YOUR SANITY!!!
Bonus: here’s a cute little tune, Hey There Cthulhu, which is a handy-dandy pronunciation guide to all the Cthulhu Mythos’ most baffling terms, in an attractive, neo-folksy package.
HEY THERE CTHULHU
(Lyrics from the Evilbore forum, but [ahem] spelling corrected; what? are you afraid of summoning Him?)
lyrics copyright © 2008 by Eben Brooks and Allison Lonsdale
Hey there Cthulhu down there in your sunken city
You’re a billion light-years distant and the stars look very pretty
From R’lyeh
So close and yet so far away. Ia Iay.
Cthulhu fuh-TAH-gun, or is that Cthulhu fuh-TINE?
I can never quite remember ’cause I’m not in my right minds
Since I met you
No one corrupts the way you do. You know it’s true
(Chorus)
Oh, it’s what you’ll do to me
Oh, and all humanity
Oh, you’ll rise up from the sea
Oh, kill everyone slowly
Except the one’s like me
Hey there Cthulhu, I’ve been studying your gospel
The Necronomicon, it gives me nightmares something awful
Where I see
The death of all reality. It fills me with glee
So when the stars are right, you’ll come and do your worst
But that’s okay because I know you’ll eat the cultists like me first
When you get here
I know that day is drawing near. I have no fear
(Chorus)
A billion light-years seems so far
Below the sea, beyond the stars
Of these humans’ putrid souls you’ll drink your fill
The fools will all make fun of me
But I’ll just laugh maniacally
‘Cause no one’s ever suffered like they will
Chthulhu, I can promise you
That by the time this cult gets through
The world will never ever be the same!
Praise your dark name!
Phn’glui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wagn’nagl fhtagn
Boy, that’s really quite a mouthful, can’t quite cram it in my noggin
Not today
I try to say it anyway
I feel my soul being to fray
Still I await that frabjous day
Cthulhu calay!
(Chorus)
Oh, kill everyone but me
Everyone but me
Cthulhu wants you to stay in school
07 May 2010 3 Comments
in Allegory, Books, Crabs, Crustacean, Cryptids, Cthulhu, Culture, Dating, Education, Fans, Historical, Hoaxes, Humour, Literary, Lobster, Science Fiction, Sharks, Squid, Weird, YouTube, fetish, fish, geek, horror, humor, mashups, octopus
And just why does Cthulhu want you to stay in school? So you can read awesome books like Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters
To say I was skeptical of the merits of this tome would be to understate the case to a positively perjorrific extent, and when I picked it up at the bookstore what actually ended up selling it wasn’t the book; it wasn’t even the premise, although with me anything with tentacles is a pretty safe bet.
It was the po-faced study questions in the back. I wish I had it handy, so I could type out the best bits, but here’s my absolute favorite:
10. Is Monsieur Pierre a symbol for something? Name three other well-known works of Western literature that feature orangutan valets. Are those characters also slain by pirates?
I always HATE the part in the comedy of manners when the ourangutan valet is slain by pirates. I mean, you know it’s coming, right? But what can you do about it, right? Nothing; amirite?
He also wants you to stay in school so that once it’s finished (oh, doesn’t everyone have a book they’re working on, destined to be put aside and picked up as the eons pass and never, ever finished?) you can read His autobiography, as told to Neil Gaiman.
I never knew my parents.
My father was consumed by my mother as soon as he had fertilized her and she, in her turn, was eaten by myself at my birth. That is my first memory, as it happens. Squirming my way out of my mother, the gamy taste of her still in my tentacles.
Don’t look so shocked, Whateley. I find you humans just as revolting.
Which reminds me, did they remember to feed the shoggoth? I thought I heard it gibbering.
Recent Comments