Your New Favorite Christmas Carol

If you’re as foul-mouthed and as Christmas-spirited as I, you will need to make room in your (three sizes too small?) heart for this tune from British babe band Fascinating Aida. If I get the time and the stupid Gay Macintosh wheel ever stops spinning on this eight year old machine, I’ll write out the lyrics, but I’m pretty sure you can make them out yourself.

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raincoaster on the raincoast

Guess what it’s doing out here on the raincoast? Well, it’s not coasting; that’s your first clue.

And when the year is drawing to a close and the nights stretch into infinity amid the whisper of the wind shaking invisible raindrops loose from dead and dying trees, there is only one thing you can do.

Well, two, but I’m all out of gin.

That’s right: you hole up with a damn good spooky movie. And here it is: my very favoritest damn good spooky movie, a portmanteau movie containing multiple mini-movies, all of them good. A British classic from 1945 entitled Dead of Night. Enjoy.

Arthur: the Maritime Edition

that's all CGI

that’s all CGI

You know what the cushiest job in the world is? The cushiest job in the world is the Vancouver television weather presenter. You put on a Gore-tex jacket, stand in front of a green screen and intone, “Partly overcast, with chance of precipitation.” One take and you’re done. The wizards in IT swap in a different background every day, but until it actually snows, and you have to do another take wearing polar fleece, you’re done for the year.

By way of contrast, you know who’s the hardest-working personality in the weather video world?

FRANKIEEEE MACDONALD from SYDNEY NOVA SCOTIA!!!

Here he is in July 3rd video predicting today’s shitstorm in New Brunswick. You can’t say that man doesn’t put his heart into it and cover all the bases. Repeatedly. With Chinese Food and Coke. And Chinese Food and Coke. And Pepsi.

And for bonus points, check out how swiftly the commenters see off the haters. Truly, if YouTube comments having you doubting for the future of the human race, read some of the comments on Frankie’s vids to have your faith restored.

Scene Change

…aaaaand now for something completely different! Here is my latest discovery, Gin Wigmore, fresh out of Kiwilandia and sounding like a hairball coughed up by the raddled lungs of Janis Joplin on a helium binge.

No, wait. It sounds a LOT better than it reads, trust me. You will like this, and if you don’t, I want to know what’s wrong with you.

I got lots of jealous lovers that all wish they had me back
Got a pistol for a mouth, my old mama gave me that
Making my own road out of gravel and some wine
And if I have to fall then it won’t be in your line

[Pre-Chorus:]
Everybody’s doing it so why the hell should I
Everybody’s doing it so why the hell should I

[Chorus:]
I’m a bad woman to keep
Make me mad, I’m not here to please
Paint me in a corner but my colour comes back
Once you go black, you never go back
I’m a black sheep
I’m a black sheep

[Verse 2:]
I wasn’t born a beauty queen but I’m okay with that
Maybe radio won’t mind if I sing a little flat
I wear my boots to bed, hang a cross up on the wall
To save me from a shallow grave that wants to take us all

[Pre-Chorus:]
Everybody’s doing it so why the hell should I
Everybody’s doing it so why the hell should I

[Chorus:]
I’m a bad woman to keep
Make me mad, I’m not here to please
Paint me in a corner but my colour comes back
Once you go black, you never go back
I’m a black sheep
I’m a black sheep
I’m a black sheep
I’m a black sheep

[Repeat Verse 1:]
I got lots of jealous lovers that all wish they had me back
Got a pistol for a mouth, my old mama gave me that
Making my own road out of gravel and some wine
And if I have to fall then it won’t be in your line

[Chorus:]
I’m a bad woman to keep
Make me mad, I’m not here to please
Paint me in a corner but my colour comes back
Once you go black, you never go back

[Outro:]
Once you go black, you never go back
Once you go black, you never go back
Once you go black, you never go back
Once you go black, you never go back

Quiz: which classic 80’s fantasy movie should I get next?

With bonus Which Princess Bride Character Are You quiz. Of course I’m Inigo.

I am INIGO MONTOYA. YOU KEEL MY FATHAIR. PREPAIR TO DIE!

I am INIGO MONTOYA. YOU KEEL MY FATHAIR. PREPAIR TO DIE!

You are Inigo Montoya. You have spent your life training in the art of fencing and seeking revenge for the killing of your father. And drinking. Lots of drinking. Now that you have achieved your lifelong quest, you are considering making the move to privateering. Apparently, the market’s pretty good right now.

Yep, pretty much. I literally looked into getting Letters of Marque as a retirement gift for a friend of mine; her son is a ship’s captain, and she founded the national association for social workers, and it would have been hilarious. I should have followed through on it, too. But at least I have all the paperwork ready.

Anyhoodly…I’ve been watching a lot of movies recently, and remembering more. For OpHippie I screened The NeverEnding Story for a room full of people on mushrooms and weed, and succeeded in completely wiping The Da Vinci Code from their minds for the next 48 hours through the awesome power of the Childlike Empress and that stupid, fucking nag Artax. And I have The Princess Bride. Now what do I get?