Arthur: the Maritime Edition

that's all CGI

that’s all CGI

You know what the cushiest job in the world is? The cushiest job in the world is the Vancouver television weather presenter. You put on a Gore-tex jacket, stand in front of a green screen and intone, “Partly overcast, with chance of precipitation.” One take and you’re done. The wizards in IT swap in a different background every day, but until it actually snows, and you have to do another take wearing polar fleece, you’re done for the year.

By way of contrast, you know who’s the hardest-working personality in the weather video world?

FRANKIEEEE MACDONALD from SYDNEY NOVA SCOTIA!!!

Here he is in July 3rd video predicting today’s shitstorm in New Brunswick. You can’t say that man doesn’t put his heart into it and cover all the bases. Repeatedly. With Chinese Food and Coke. And Chinese Food and Coke. And Pepsi.

And for bonus points, check out how swiftly the commenters see off the haters. Truly, if YouTube comments having you doubting for the future of the human race, read some of the comments on Frankie’s vids to have your faith restored.

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Scene Change

…aaaaand now for something completely different! Here is my latest discovery, Gin Wigmore, fresh out of Kiwilandia and sounding like a hairball coughed up by the raddled lungs of Janis Joplin on a helium binge.

No, wait. It sounds a LOT better than it reads, trust me. You will like this, and if you don’t, I want to know what’s wrong with you.

I got lots of jealous lovers that all wish they had me back
Got a pistol for a mouth, my old mama gave me that
Making my own road out of gravel and some wine
And if I have to fall then it won’t be in your line

[Pre-Chorus:]
Everybody’s doing it so why the hell should I
Everybody’s doing it so why the hell should I

[Chorus:]
I’m a bad woman to keep
Make me mad, I’m not here to please
Paint me in a corner but my colour comes back
Once you go black, you never go back
I’m a black sheep
I’m a black sheep

[Verse 2:]
I wasn’t born a beauty queen but I’m okay with that
Maybe radio won’t mind if I sing a little flat
I wear my boots to bed, hang a cross up on the wall
To save me from a shallow grave that wants to take us all

[Pre-Chorus:]
Everybody’s doing it so why the hell should I
Everybody’s doing it so why the hell should I

[Chorus:]
I’m a bad woman to keep
Make me mad, I’m not here to please
Paint me in a corner but my colour comes back
Once you go black, you never go back
I’m a black sheep
I’m a black sheep
I’m a black sheep
I’m a black sheep

[Repeat Verse 1:]
I got lots of jealous lovers that all wish they had me back
Got a pistol for a mouth, my old mama gave me that
Making my own road out of gravel and some wine
And if I have to fall then it won’t be in your line

[Chorus:]
I’m a bad woman to keep
Make me mad, I’m not here to please
Paint me in a corner but my colour comes back
Once you go black, you never go back

[Outro:]
Once you go black, you never go back
Once you go black, you never go back
Once you go black, you never go back
Once you go black, you never go back

Quiz: which classic 80’s fantasy movie should I get next?

With bonus Which Princess Bride Character Are You quiz. Of course I’m Inigo.

I am INIGO MONTOYA. YOU KEEL MY FATHAIR. PREPAIR TO DIE!

I am INIGO MONTOYA. YOU KEEL MY FATHAIR. PREPAIR TO DIE!

You are Inigo Montoya. You have spent your life training in the art of fencing and seeking revenge for the killing of your father. And drinking. Lots of drinking. Now that you have achieved your lifelong quest, you are considering making the move to privateering. Apparently, the market’s pretty good right now.

Yep, pretty much. I literally looked into getting Letters of Marque as a retirement gift for a friend of mine; her son is a ship’s captain, and she founded the national association for social workers, and it would have been hilarious. I should have followed through on it, too. But at least I have all the paperwork ready.

Anyhoodly…I’ve been watching a lot of movies recently, and remembering more. For OpHippie I screened The NeverEnding Story for a room full of people on mushrooms and weed, and succeeded in completely wiping The Da Vinci Code from their minds for the next 48 hours through the awesome power of the Childlike Empress and that stupid, fucking nag Artax. And I have The Princess Bride. Now what do I get?

Blame Artax!

Blame Artax!

Blame Artax!

The NeverEnding Story is a childhood classic with a neverending potential for discussion. Last week, we discussed how it’s all Artax’s fault that the generation that saw this as children turned out to be completely fucked up. Stupid horse! If you’d just stayed cheerful in the Swamps of Sadness (what, they don’t have bubblegum pop playlists in Fantasia?) you’d have made it out alive, a generation would not have wasted their adolescence pretending to be Fiona Apple and Trent Reznor, and Atreyu would have saved the world a helluva lot faster, you goddam waste of alfalfa!

Emo pony doesn't care about your sugar. Life IS lumps, sweetie.

Emo pony doesn’t care about your sugar. Life IS lumps, sweetie.

This week, we bring you the last thoughts of the late Artax, emo basketcase and (formerly) living proof that man’s best friend is a dog, not a goddam equine.

I’m feeling pretty crummy, if I’m honest with myself. And sort of…melon…what’s that word? Melatonin? Melancholy, that’s it. Boy, I gotta start doing the crossword again, my vocab’s gone to shit.

‘Course I never was the sharpest nail in the horseshoe.

Is the mud getting deeper or is it just me? It is just me. Atreyu! I’m, like, four feet tall all of a sudden. What the heck?

It…it just gets worse from there. Go on. Read the whole thing.

Threading the Loopy: today in internet comments

Kristen Stewart is So over your shit

Kristen Stewart is So over your shit

You’d roll your eyes too if you had to deal with this shit every damn day.

So, this thread was started, as many are, over on Gawker or rather the new Defamer where author “Anonymous” (not the one I know) called Kristen Stewart a “serial philanderer.” This is technically incorrect, as one can only philandize once married, and KStew has never been married. Thusly:

raincoaster

Technically she’s not the philanderer: he was. Wednesday 3:29pm

rosiedublinraincoaster

2

Shhhhhh. This isn’t about accuracy and facts, this is about using a tabloid narrative to destroy a young girl we hate because she’s our fantasy rival who always wins Rpatz from us in our dreams!! Don’t you know anything! Thursday 12:22pm

raincoasterrosiedublin

I can’t help it. I spent a summer in University reading etiquette books and just had to point that out. Saturday 5:26am

rosiedublinraincoaster

Wow. Interesting. I bet this site…and everything in the world, like, always…keeps you busy…doing that. But lame mild insistence that you’re actually not on the side of Bella Swan, and one half of ‘Robsten,’ noted grrl. ;) Saturday 8:51am

raincoasterrosiedublin

Psssst, rosiedublin, he is NEVER GOING TO BECOME AWARE OF YOUR EXISTENCE. Carry on with the rest of your life, and good luck finding purpose in it. Saturday 9:00pm

rosiedublinraincoaster

Um, since I’m not the one roasting his 22 yr old little gf over a spit in rabid vicious jealousy and clawing her face off, I think you better start repeating that mantra to your own cat lady ass or at least the bullying mad cows your pathetically trying to not appear in opposition to.

It’s okay – try this: your next post, just kick Kstew in the teeth once or twice, so they’ll think you’re one of them, my weasly cowardly little lemming. You initially came off as a possible pro Stewart voice in a sea of squalling vipers, with your little ‘philanderer’ correction…and we absolutely CANNOT have that. lol Yesterday 1:33am

raincoasterrosiedublin

1

See, this is why nobody likes you.

Your first post was lucid, and entertaining, and on-topic. Your second is … well, I’m going to assume you’re drunk. All day. Yesterday 3:30am

rosiedublinraincoaster

Because that’s my goal in life, to be “liked” by sad pathetic bullying cows who attack 22 yr old actresses dating their luuuuuv fantasy sex object. Hahahaha Today 12:30am

You take this amazingly seriously. How many years has it been since you left the house?