Unicorn Chaser: Lobster Shell Motorcycle

Lobstercycle!

Lobstercycle!

Happy fucking Wednesday. Here is a little motorcycle made out of lobster shells.

Lobstercycle The Other Side

Lobstercycle The Other One

Peace out.

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Hot Dog Legs has Legs

Octodogs are eight times as hawt

Octodogs are eight times as hawt

What does it take to create a Tumblr that’s destined to go viral? Apparently it takes either: a) a Snooki-brown tan, a modicum of body oil, a good waxer, and an absence of visible musculature OR b) meat by-products.

Insert post-feminist joke here.

Hot Dog Legs is the very latest in one-joke virality, the new star in the firmament which already contains Jay Z’s 99 problems and exploding actresses, among many, many others. Hey, it’s Summer, don’t over-think things!

This Tumblr doesn’t even have any words to process, so there’s no risk of brain overheating. The concept is simple: photograph after photograph of the “same” thing. Are they hot dogs, or are they legs? Is that self-tanner or natural? Are those smokies or cheddar-stuffed? What does this say about the objectification of women and the human beings as meat metaphor? I don’t know, pass me another Margarita.

There is, it must be said, something about these photos that brings to mind cheap sunglasses, menthol cigarettes, and calories ingested in liquid form.

The post-literate simplicity of the site has not interfered with its popularity (to continue with the Snooki comparison). Their Facebook fan page was created less than a month ago, on July 28, and still has 3,186 Likes. The page’s own Likes include Gawker media, Sausages, 7-11, and the infamous, and apparently horsemeat-containing Ikea hot dog.

A few notes for aspiring legs and hot dogs: corn dogs will never work, because ain’t nobody got a complexion that bad. An even tan is essential, as is skin thick enough that the veins don’t show through. Don’t even think about trying this if you haven’t shaved or waxed recently, even if you’re blonde. There will be zero crossover between this blog and, say, FuckYeahHairyLegs, although the respective models might be interested in exchanging phone numbers.

The Vacation So Far

For those of you who haven’t been following along on the Food Blog, here’s what the vacation looks like so far. I’m due at a crab fest on the Island on Saturday, but unless SOMEBODY pays me before then, I’ll be trapped here. Oh, poor me.

As you can see, it’s a nonstop grind. Oh, the pressure!

Business as Usual

angry vegetarian iz angry

angry vegetarian iz angry

Ah, vegetarians. Of their quaint, placid, cud-chewing ways we have blogged before:

Many and many are the times we have been told that a meat-including diet leads to anger management issues and constipation, unlike the Diet of Peace, which causes the dieter to exude an ethereal glow and yoga tips at all times. Oh, and it is needless to remark, but what the hell, I do dream of being paid by the word one day, that they have cornered the market on defensive sanctimony, taking it away from the Catholic Church in a hard-won title match.

And now that I know where I won’t be living in March and am a few steps closer to knowing where I WILL be living, I can take the time to get back to some of my normal routines. Like getting into flamewars on Gawker.

greenvelvet 1 of 68 replies @Robert Kessler 20 hours ago

Why do people assume vegetarians are trying to prove something to you or are judging you? I could give a fuck less if people eat meat. Hell, I prepare it all the time for my family. If you or someone you knew had a heart attack or stroke like my mother has had and it devastated their and your life, I doubt you’d tell them “Burgers up!” though.

greenvelvet 1 reply @raincoaster 16 hours ago

I’m not. His article was full of snide remarks. Heart disease has taken an incredible toll on my family so I had an opinion to share. How am I being judgmental by saying I don’t mind other people eating meat exactly? This article was judgmental from the get go.

greenvelvet 1 reply @raincoaster 5 hours ago

I wouldn’t give you the time of day in real life so I won’t on here, anymore. Go back to the Games People Play store, crawl back into your darkened corner with all the other dorks who will never get laid and have a big circle jerk until you collapse and die.

raincoaster just now

Nope, not shrill, didactic, or judgemental in the least. Nope. Well, that’s me converted to the Diet of Peace.

 

Happy Birthday to Me

A very eldritch birthday to me!

A very eldritch birthday to me!

Well, despite STRONG hints about what I would like for my birthday, Julian Assange did not pop out of a cake, and WikiLeaks did not retweet me. And I even bought their tee shirt! What does a blogger have to do to get an rt up in here? Jeez.

I did get four free birthday drinks made by Canada’s best bartender, and excellent company. Apparently I have a present en route whenever Canada Post wants to get it to me. And the friend who stood me up tonight can probably be coaxed into taking me to the new oyster restaurant in Chinatown.

159 Birthday wishes on Facebook. It took me the better part of an hour to just thank people!

And for the first time in history, I ran into my cousin at the mall. She lives in Marpole, and we simply never see one another unless we set up an appointment, so this was definitely kismet.

What did YOU get me?

My Birthday Cake

My Birthday Cake

Oh yes, the bartender also bought me my birthday cake, which was technically flourless, so therefore on my diet. Awesome!