Merry Christmas, Happy Boxing Day, and Happy Birthday to Shane McGowan

Slightly belated, but only by a couple of hours.

GUESS WHAT DAY IT IS GUYS!

GUESS WHAT DAY IT IS GUYS!

That’s right, it’s Shane McGowan‘s birthday! Or was, until a couple of hours ago. Yeah, Jesus is dead and Shane McGowan is alive; whodathunkit?

Normally we have a tradition of posting the Fairytale of New York, but for some reason I’m just not feeling it this year. Had the Christmas spirit going pretty well up until Christmas itself, whereupon I decided I needed to kill something. I killed the mood instead of a bystander by going for a two hour walk with my cousin, where we found a nice little sailboat, about 25 feet of sailboat, washed up on the rocks at English Bay.

A real, live shipwreck for Christmas!

Which brings us to today’s story. Normally we have a tradition of posting A Christmas Story by Sarban (NOT the one with the Red Ryder BB Gun) but in honour of whoever is having a worse Christmas than me because they got shipwrecked on a night when all the hotels are booked and everything is closed, I’ll link instead to the truly spine-chilling “Christmas Eve on a Haunted Hulk.” Enjoy?

If that doesn’t float your boat, here’s a slick and enjoyable remix of Vince Guaraldi’s Charlie Brown Christmas, in mellow hip-hop style, via Doc Rocket on Facebook.

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A Christmas Clean-Up

raincoaster reporting for Christmas Cleanup duty

raincoaster reporting for Christmas Cleanup duty

Note: Bloggers may be larger than they appear in amusing holiday-themed kitchenwear.

There’s a certain element of bloodthirstiness to many of the holiday celebrations, isn’t there?

Yes, there is. Shut up.

Think about it; who’d be celebrating Christmas now if Jesus hadn’t died young? If he’d quietly expired at the age of 70 or so, surrounded by children, grand-children, and great-grand-children? Nobody, that’s who. You can’t be a martyr without the sticky ending; just ask James Dean. And where there’s bloodshed, sooner or later, there is gonna be an underpaid member of a visible minority with a mop and a pail cleaning up that shit.

This post is about that. Where there’s Christmas Bloodshed, eventually there will be Christmas Cleaning Crews. As I am spending this pre-Christmas day cleaning up the place I’ve been house and pet sitting for the imminent return of The Owners, who clearly have higher house standards than I’m used to (a warming drawer for plates? Does even Goopy Paltrow have one of those?) I thought I would procrastinate by blogging about the process.

I guess digging under sinks to find cleaning products and figuring out what they are each supposed to do has an element of present-opening about it. Or at least it’s akin to digging through the bowl of assorted candies to find the green jellybeans and the licorice allsorts. Only if you get it wrong, you don’t just spit it into your napkin; you get to replace the hardwood floor. So, SUSPENSE! BLOODSHED! Back to the topic…

Remember that old seasonal classic The Night Santa Went Crazy, by Weird Al? Sure you do. In case you forget, here’s a claymation video to remind you.

Sure, sure, who doesn’t love a picturesque serial killer with a mysterious backstory, eh? But did you ever think about the poor clean-up elves who had to go in afterwards and sanitize the crime scene so it could be properly staged by the bored housewife the real estate agent hired to make it look saleable? Didja? Well, you’re about to.

There’s a game.

Seriously. It used to be simple: if you could imagine it, there was porn of it. Now we must be all wanked out, because if you can think of it nowadays, there’s a game of it.

Behold Viscera Cleanup Detail: Santa’s Rampage edition.

Tragedy! Santa; the toy giving folk-hero, and purveyor of fine Christmas goods, has had enough. Endless requests from greedy children wanting more and more every year, tax increases, pressure from elf unions, bills, reindeer!
It is your duty, as an employee of Polar Sanitation Inc, to clean up the grizzly aftermath of Santa’s bloody rampage. Elves, reindeer and ruined masonry from Santa’s brief breakdown are all strewn across his famous workshop.
So don your cap, grab your mop, and get this place sorted out so the company can get a replacement in here ASAP, and restore Christmas for another generation!

Can’t imagine what that would look like? Thanks to YouTuber PewDiePie you don’t have to. He’s got a game run-through that would make Freddy Krueger proud.

Laura WAS decorating the Christmas tree...in a sense

Laura WAS decorating the Christmas tree…in a sense

Santa: the untold truth

He’s a mystery wrapped in an enigma nailed like jelly to the wall, and pinned down like mercury with a fork. What’s the truth about old St. Nick?

IS AMERICA READY FOR THIS?

Well, as I’m not American, I couldn’t care less.

The fact is, Santa Claus is a black man.

And the fact is, we’re closing in on his actual identity.

Snoop Claus

Snoop Claus

The Hilarious House of Frightenstein!

The Hilarious House of Frightenstein is not exactly the Brady Bunch

The Hilarious House of Frightenstein is not exactly the Brady Bunch

The only horrible thing about this show is that it eventually got cancelled.

The Hilarious House of Frightenstein was a kid’s show started back in 1971, and done out of the rust belt town of Hamilton, Ontario. The rubber-faced Billy Van was the star and pretty much the whole cast, and a damn fine cast it was, too. Apparently special guest star Vincent Price shot all his work for the entire series in four days. The show also boasted production values that would have embarrassed Doctor Who; imagine trying to bring to life an acid trip using a wardrobe you peeled off a drunken Hamiltonian Goth, some old macrame planters, a fright wig, and some coloured light gels. And doing it for kids. While dressed as a vampire who is exiled to Canada until he can somehow gather the strength of character to actually frighten someone OR reanimate a corpse-monster, and so earn his way back into Transylvania.

This show, people? This show is my Rosebud.

This is how I learned Grammar, for example.

And you wonder why I’m a little fucked up.

Two Christmas Stories

Darwin and Charlie Brown

Darwin and Charlie Brown

It’s a Christmas Tradition on the ol’ raincoaster blog to re-post this, the greatest Christmas story ever told (sorry, Jesus!): A Christmas Story, by Sarban. It is long, but if I can spend several hours typing it in, you can take an hour or less to read it. I recommend accompanying it with a bottle of Zubrowka and a box of Kleenex.

UPDATE: here is a link to the story that actually WORKS!

A Christmas Story
By Sarban (John W. Wall)

I will tell you a Christmas story. I will tell it as Alexander Andreievitch Masseyev told it me in his little house outside the walls of Jedda years ago one hot, damp Christmas Eve….

For our second selection, we have the entirely awesome Simon Callow reading one of Charles Dickins’ non-cloying stories, “The Christmas Tree,” a marvellous, metaphorical memoir. I’ve stolen this one from the Guardian.