Attack of the Ukelele Kitteh

It’s almost still Wednesday, so here is a unicorn chaser for you: A sweetly bowtied serenader performing “Nerdy Love Song” and  competing frantically with an adorable kitten for control of a ukelele. If this were any more hipster it would be artisanal, which is to say it would be on Vimeo instead of YouTube.

NERDY LOVE SONG
by DeAnne Smith

C Am F G

I wanna be your abacus baby
you can count on me
and I won’t say that I love you or I heart you,
but I will say less than 3, I less than 3 you

Your molecules must be moving really quickly
’cause girl, you’re hot.
Are you igneous, metamorphic or sedimentary?
All I know is, baby, you rock.

if god existed, I’d thank him for you
but I’m rational and i read (a lot of) Sam Harris
you’re beautiful like the font of Garamond
but I wanna see you sans serif.
(take your pants off)

I wanna be your abacus baby
you can count on me
I observe your quarks oscillating,
and I’m formulating a g-string theory

I’m an archaeologist and I’m gonna compute your age,
yeah, I’m wanna absolutely date you
you make me feel like a male giraffe
I wanna nudge your rump, make you urinate, and mate you (that’s what they do)

the value of my love for you
cannot be expressed exactly
it’s more irrational than pi
hey “Fuck” is a legitimate word in Scrabble, just FYI

I wanna be your abacus baby
you can count on me
you can suck me into the supermassive black hole
at the center of your galaxy (I’m talking vagina)

I may not be the biggest or strongest
but my knowledge of grammar shines
I know how to use the words further and farther correctly
every freaking time

farther indicates physical distance
and further a depth or degree
example: the moon is getting farther from the earth
about 4 centimeters annually (true fact)

example: you just keep getting further into my heart
wait: you just keep getting farther into my heart
no, wait: you just keep getting further into my heart
hang on: you just keep getting farther into my heart

I wanna be your abacus baby
you can count on me
if the situation is ambiguous
further and farther can be used interchangably (that’s a rule! I knew that all along)

I wanna be your abacus baby
you can count on me
and I won’t say that I love you or I heart you
but I will say, I less than 3 you
(please take off your pants)

Via Mok, the Magic Man in the comments on Gawker

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Thoughts. Of a Genius???

It’s funny, but the days volunteering in the forum is awful have something in common with the days when working in the forum is hilarious. That thing? The presence of complete morons.

EG the following conversation, tagged (with apparent sincerity) “Thoughts of a genius.”

 

A conversation with Jesus

  1. mcgeniusthepoet
    Member
    Jul 31, 2014, 4:09 AM

    Oh, How I wish to forgive and just forgive
    So I be at peace, in relief
    To target an area in heart of hopelessness
    With a hand that digs out in me forgiveness
    So I myself as well be granted happiness
    Finding it hard due to some carelessness

    I had a conversation with Jesus one night
    Who he himself whispered good news in my ears
    Brought about solutions to let disappear my fears
    He indulged me in tunes by singing lyrical vibes of Mathew 6 verse 14
    I danced to the rhythm yet never thought of stopping nor pausing
    He told me forgiveness is an act of intention
    An alarm or signal towards the perception of reality
    Without a gun on my head but it being voluntarily

    This is a tale of a line between the perpetrator and the victimized
    Where the victimized abandons the negativity of emotions
    Rehabilitating the perpetrator purposefully forgetting sadism
    Ultimately seeing light in the tunnel of possible reconciliation
    Withdrawing from the strings of hatred that has us by our tongues and fingertips
    Withdrawing from future plans of vengeance

    With his voice of tough love, firm but loving, told me
    Forgiveness is a lifting of a burden suppressing the life within
    And yet a contradiction between forgiving and forgetting
    For memory and heart is photographic
    For the heart is sacred than the mind controversial as it should be
    For with peace seeking through introspection and
    Forgiving no eye shall be prohibited to see

    I may not be looking forward to calling you a friend
    Or invite you for lunch or a sip of coffee
    I may not be looking forward to welcoming you inside my home
    Or inside my heart for that matter
    But I’m definitely looking forward to letting my heart be at peace
    He made me realise that we should forgive ourselves
    For not forgiving others in the journey of finding healing
    Emphasizing that a good heart does not await an apology
    Though it taketh a good man to accept it
    It taketh a great man to maketh an apology

    The blog I need help with is mcgeniusthepoet.wordpress.com.

  2. Jesus is not available to answer your questions in the WordPress.com technical support forums. Thursdays and Sundays are His days off.

     

Is that a Little Red Book in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Just your typical Marxist-Leninist anti-revisionist woman

Just your typical Marxist-Leninist anti-revisionist woman

Happy May Day, Comrades!

I hope you all had a fabulous day sharing the fruits of your labour, throwing off the yoke of the capitalist oppressors, and getting your political freak on. We can all take a lesson from this young Comrade from the Cascadian city of San Francisco. When it comes to sharing the fruits of her loins (do girls have loins? not sure) with deserving and pure-hearted Comrades, she eschews the profit-ridden sex marketing machine known as Online Dating Sites and instead goes with a free listing on the website from Comrade Craig. If you’re inspired to answer her posting, please remember it’s not the size. It’s from each according to his ability.

Ready for kinky fun? – w4m – 23 (San Francisco)

age : 23 body : average height : 5’7″ (170cm) ethnicity : White politics : Marxist-Leninist status : single

I am an attractive Marxist-Leninist anti-revisionist woman who is totally dedicated to the building of a revolutionary cadre party to overthrow capitalism and imperialism. But I have a sexy side for which I would probably be denounced by my comrades if they knew about it. I am looking for a degenerate Trotskyite, anarchist, or a member of the revisionist Communist Party who accepts the concept of peaceful coexistence to put me in my place. Tie me up and recite passages from The Revolution Betrayed by the social-fascist Trotsky. Slap me around and call me an evil Stalinist. Make me get on my knees and accept your left-deviationist cock. I love petit-bourgeois intellectuals the most, because then it gets a little Fifty Shades of Red for me. This is all NSA and drama free.

See my details below. I am DDF. Normally I don’t do drugs because they are a symptom of a crumbling bourgeois society, but I am 420 friendly when it comes to this because I want to be corrupted by a hot ultra-leftist pot smoking degenerate pervert. I am so horny just thinking about it. Please no Maoists. And if you have only read the Communist Manifesto, no. I am not into FDCKs.

Spread them like you would class consciousness

Spread them like you would class consciousness

Raging Beaver Stops Traffic

Wild Beaver on the attack

Wild Beaver on the attack

 

The quiet streets of Northern Canadian town Miramichi were terrorized recently by a roving, uncontrollable beaver, according to a recent story in the CBC.

“The damn thing was lost, it was going down the street. We didn’t do anything, we showed up and seen what it was,” said Sgt. Ed Arbeau from the Miramichi Police Force. Local resident Jim O’Neil realized quickly you don’t try and back up a wild beaver.

“Slapped [her] tail on the driveway, slapped [her] front feet on the ground. [S]He came on,” he said. “So I backed up to try it again and jeez [s]he got quite aggressive.”

Paradoxically for a wild beaver, “[S]He was camera shy.” Fans of Canadian wild beaver will note that this marks something of a departure from previous generations of beaver. Hmm, evolution in action?

Armed Chihuahua gang roams Yorkshire!

Soon. In fact, NOW says Evil Chihuahua

Soon. In fact, NOW says Evil Chihuahua

Arm yourselves! Gather your families! Pad your ankles and reinforce your doors, at least up for the first 18 inches. THEY are coming.

According to the Guardian, a gang of Chihuahuas took advantage of the absence of their guards to smash a window with an iron bar, fleeing into the darkness and desolation of the surrounding moors. THEY lurk, even now.

A nationwide hunt is under way for five chihuahuas, including a Crufts champion…

Valenchino Chihuahua Xena, who was named Best Puppy in Breed at Crufts 2014, [escaped] with four other dogs from a house in east Yorkshire on Thursday.

[Keeper] Mal Hilton said he and his partner Lucy Hilton have been devastated by the [escape] of Xena, her grandmother Angel and her mother Io, as well as two others called Pandora and Evie…

Normal chihuahuas sell for around £500.

Wait. What? There is, obviously, no such thing as a “normal Chihuahua.” That is what you call a contradiction in terms.

Evil Chihuahua