An HP Lovecraft Bestiary

HP Lovecraft Bestiary is BEST Bestiary

HP Lovecraft Bestiary is BEST Bestiary

Sorry, folks, that’s as big as I can make it. I know, I know, you want a high-res version to print out to use as wallpaper; believe me, so do I. The Pangaea projections are nice, but it’d be awesome to see them carried on to the future, where many of HPL’s tales are set.

Edit: I lied. Here’s a full sized and quite legible version via the Lovecraftzine.

Merry Christmas, Happy Boxing Day, and Happy Birthday to Shane McGowan

Slightly belated, but only by a couple of hours.

GUESS WHAT DAY IT IS GUYS!

GUESS WHAT DAY IT IS GUYS!

That’s right, it’s Shane McGowan‘s birthday! Or was, until a couple of hours ago. Yeah, Jesus is dead and Shane McGowan is alive; whodathunkit?

Normally we have a tradition of posting the Fairytale of New York, but for some reason I’m just not feeling it this year. Had the Christmas spirit going pretty well up until Christmas itself, whereupon I decided I needed to kill something. I killed the mood instead of a bystander by going for a two hour walk with my cousin, where we found a nice little sailboat, about 25 feet of sailboat, washed up on the rocks at English Bay.

A real, live shipwreck for Christmas!

Which brings us to today’s story. Normally we have a tradition of posting A Christmas Story by Sarban (NOT the one with the Red Ryder BB Gun) but in honour of whoever is having a worse Christmas than me because they got shipwrecked on a night when all the hotels are booked and everything is closed, I’ll link instead to the truly spine-chilling “Christmas Eve on a Haunted Hulk.” Enjoy?

If that doesn’t float your boat, here’s a slick and enjoyable remix of Vince Guaraldi’s Charlie Brown Christmas, in mellow hip-hop style, via Doc Rocket on Facebook.

The Hilarious House of Frightenstein!

The Hilarious House of Frightenstein is not exactly the Brady Bunch

The Hilarious House of Frightenstein is not exactly the Brady Bunch

The only horrible thing about this show is that it eventually got cancelled.

The Hilarious House of Frightenstein was a kid’s show started back in 1971, and done out of the rust belt town of Hamilton, Ontario. The rubber-faced Billy Van was the star and pretty much the whole cast, and a damn fine cast it was, too. Apparently special guest star Vincent Price shot all his work for the entire series in four days. The show also boasted production values that would have embarrassed Doctor Who; imagine trying to bring to life an acid trip using a wardrobe you peeled off a drunken Hamiltonian Goth, some old macrame planters, a fright wig, and some coloured light gels. And doing it for kids. While dressed as a vampire who is exiled to Canada until he can somehow gather the strength of character to actually frighten someone OR reanimate a corpse-monster, and so earn his way back into Transylvania.

This show, people? This show is my Rosebud.

This is how I learned Grammar, for example.

And you wonder why I’m a little fucked up.

Two Christmas Stories

Darwin and Charlie Brown

Darwin and Charlie Brown

It’s a Christmas Tradition on the ol’ raincoaster blog to re-post this, the greatest Christmas story ever told (sorry, Jesus!): A Christmas Story, by Sarban. It is long, but if I can spend several hours typing it in, you can take an hour or less to read it. I recommend accompanying it with a bottle of Zubrowka and a box of Kleenex.

UPDATE: here is a link to the story that actually WORKS!

A Christmas Story
By Sarban (John W. Wall)

I will tell you a Christmas story. I will tell it as Alexander Andreievitch Masseyev told it me in his little house outside the walls of Jedda years ago one hot, damp Christmas Eve….

For our second selection, we have the entirely awesome Simon Callow reading one of Charles Dickins’ non-cloying stories, “The Christmas Tree,” a marvellous, metaphorical memoir. I’ve stolen this one from the Guardian.

The Poetry Book of Mormon

Emo Jesus sez it's okay. He's still got his poetry.

Emo Jesus sez it’s okay. He’s still got his poetry.

Anybody who’s read the King James version of the Bible knows there’s poetry in it. But is there poetry in the “Other Books” like the Gnostic Gospels, the Kabbalah, and the famous Book of Mormon? We dunno.

But thanks to WikiLeaks, we have The Church Handbook of Instructions for Mormons, and we can confirm, yea verily, that there is poetry within, at least according to the Haiku Finder. And here is that poetry.

He should be careful
not to embarrass members
who need assistance.

 

Stake leaders may give
instruction and assistance
during these meetings.

 

However, they may
pay tithing through their home ward
if necessary.

 

He also consults
with other stake presidents
as appropriate.

 

This clerk also should
know how to order garments
and temple clothing.

 

This clerk also should
know how to order garments
and temple clothing.

 

Prayers in Church Meetings
Men and women may offer
prayers in Church meetings.

Hey Moroni, don’t quit your day job!