Attack of the Ukelele Kitteh

It’s almost still Wednesday, so here is a unicorn chaser for you: A sweetly bowtied serenader performing “Nerdy Love Song” and  competing frantically with an adorable kitten for control of a ukelele. If this were any more hipster it would be artisanal, which is to say it would be on Vimeo instead of YouTube.

NERDY LOVE SONG
by DeAnne Smith

C Am F G

I wanna be your abacus baby
you can count on me
and I won’t say that I love you or I heart you,
but I will say less than 3, I less than 3 you

Your molecules must be moving really quickly
’cause girl, you’re hot.
Are you igneous, metamorphic or sedimentary?
All I know is, baby, you rock.

if god existed, I’d thank him for you
but I’m rational and i read (a lot of) Sam Harris
you’re beautiful like the font of Garamond
but I wanna see you sans serif.
(take your pants off)

I wanna be your abacus baby
you can count on me
I observe your quarks oscillating,
and I’m formulating a g-string theory

I’m an archaeologist and I’m gonna compute your age,
yeah, I’m wanna absolutely date you
you make me feel like a male giraffe
I wanna nudge your rump, make you urinate, and mate you (that’s what they do)

the value of my love for you
cannot be expressed exactly
it’s more irrational than pi
hey “Fuck” is a legitimate word in Scrabble, just FYI

I wanna be your abacus baby
you can count on me
you can suck me into the supermassive black hole
at the center of your galaxy (I’m talking vagina)

I may not be the biggest or strongest
but my knowledge of grammar shines
I know how to use the words further and farther correctly
every freaking time

farther indicates physical distance
and further a depth or degree
example: the moon is getting farther from the earth
about 4 centimeters annually (true fact)

example: you just keep getting further into my heart
wait: you just keep getting farther into my heart
no, wait: you just keep getting further into my heart
hang on: you just keep getting farther into my heart

I wanna be your abacus baby
you can count on me
if the situation is ambiguous
further and farther can be used interchangably (that’s a rule! I knew that all along)

I wanna be your abacus baby
you can count on me
and I won’t say that I love you or I heart you
but I will say, I less than 3 you
(please take off your pants)

Via Mok, the Magic Man in the comments on Gawker

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Blame Artax!

Blame Artax!

Blame Artax!

The NeverEnding Story is a childhood classic with a neverending potential for discussion. Last week, we discussed how it’s all Artax’s fault that the generation that saw this as children turned out to be completely fucked up. Stupid horse! If you’d just stayed cheerful in the Swamps of Sadness (what, they don’t have bubblegum pop playlists in Fantasia?) you’d have made it out alive, a generation would not have wasted their adolescence pretending to be Fiona Apple and Trent Reznor, and Atreyu would have saved the world a helluva lot faster, you goddam waste of alfalfa!

Emo pony doesn't care about your sugar. Life IS lumps, sweetie.

Emo pony doesn’t care about your sugar. Life IS lumps, sweetie.

This week, we bring you the last thoughts of the late Artax, emo basketcase and (formerly) living proof that man’s best friend is a dog, not a goddam equine.

I’m feeling pretty crummy, if I’m honest with myself. And sort of…melon…what’s that word? Melatonin? Melancholy, that’s it. Boy, I gotta start doing the crossword again, my vocab’s gone to shit.

‘Course I never was the sharpest nail in the horseshoe.

Is the mud getting deeper or is it just me? It is just me. Atreyu! I’m, like, four feet tall all of a sudden. What the heck?

It…it just gets worse from there. Go on. Read the whole thing.

I’m considering a career change

Lisa we have to talk

Lisa we have to talk

Seriously, this “childcare” thing looks hella fun! I can playtest plotlines for my novel while earning money and watching tv. Of course, I’ve been told that pet care pays better (and a quick search through Craigslist confirms this) but you know how cats are.

Fuck This cat

Fuck This cat

They’re even worse than editors.

Unacceptable Cat

Unacceptable Cat

This is the kind of thing at which I laugh out loud

existential mouse will have none of your banal, suburban optimism, thank you

existential mouse will have none of your banal, suburban optimism, thank you

The Existential Pet Tumblr may be the greatest thing since Hound Dogs Running.

That’s a lotta blow!

Coco-BOOM

Coco-BOOM

Contrary to my expectations, and to my great disappointment, I learned that this is not how Coco Puffs are made. Au contraire, this is the War on Drugs. Who knew coke was so flammable?

The Guardian reports:

Puerto Concordia, Colombia: anti-narcotics police officers blow up a cocaine processing laboratory after seizing it from the Farc
Photograph: Guillermo Legaria/AFP/Getty Images

Bystanders were extremely moved by the pyrotechnic display, if not thrilled.

NO Moar Bear!

I fucking hate shortages!!