Black (metal) Christmas!

Fuck Christmas

Fuck Christmas

Yes, it’s a week into December and I’ve decided it’s time to start with the Christmas shizz for this year. Some years we’ve taken a wide-eyed and innocent approach (I think that was the year we were four) and some years more of a Merry Fucking Christmas approach, but this year I think we’ll go with a Punk Rock Christmas, including this lovely album cover from Bing Crosby (signed!) and a tuneful welcome to the Yuletide from the Peanuts gang, via Journal of a Journalist.

Dear Santa:

 

Julian Assange waits patiently for me

Julian Assange waits patiently for me, but why isn't he nekkid?

 

 

Just a late note, in case the Post Office is still delivering. I posted it on Gawker days ago, but I don’t think he reads that rag.

Is it TOO MUCH TO ASK, Universe, to wake up on Christmas morning to find Julian Assange and Laird Hamilton under the tree, naked, tied together with leather straps, and very happy to see me?

I mean, fuck. Is it TOO MUCH TO ASK?

#crosstalk

@raincoaster: hell, I’m in. I’d like colin firth and matthew goode, please

#crosstalk

@bellinibubbles: Let’s make this a meme.

#crosstalk

@raincoaster: I wouldn’t want to mess with Gabrielle Reece’s man. She looks fierce.

#crosstalk

@Salome Valentine: I KNOW! Besides, I love her and their baby is adorable. But he’s gorgeous.

#crosstalk

@LatestBy: You’re telling me. I have two, actually: blond hunks and arrogant geniuses. Steve Jobs is in the latter category.

#crosstalk

@raincoaster: Have you ever seen this episode ofIconoclasts? It’s my favorite (Eddie Vedder & Laird Hamilton).

#crosstalk

@Salome Valentine: Oh, sigh. Christmas has come early!

He’s so much like a blond Henry Rollins, only without the aggro and about 30IQ points. Sigh.

#crosstalk

InCOMING!

INCOMING!

Merry Fucking Christmas to you, too, Morticia

Morticia must be PMSing or something

Morticia must be PMSing or something

Fight it, girl! YOU CAN DO IT!

And so (somewhat abruptly) to our gossip links. These used to be more fun when they were cocktail themed, but, well, my liver and I are not on speaking terms right now.

Jesus has two Daddies! (Warning: extreme cuteness)(raincoaster)

John Cusack then whispered it to attack Piven’s hairpiece (Lolebrity)

Ho, ho, ho! It’s a very 70′s Christmas (Ayyyy)

The secret Santa/Ninja connection (ManoloFood)

Elf you! South Park style cards (AgentBedhead)

RyRey gets ready for me (BusyBeeBlogger)

Keira Knightly gives the men of the world the greatest Christmas present ever (CeleBitchy)

Least Likely Headline Ever: There’s No Paris Hilton Sex Tape (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Yes, the Brittany Murphy story is getting even creepier (EarSucker)

Vanessa Hudgens, Michael Jackson impersonator (FitFabCeleb)

Tiny Goth gnome hides under mushroom (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Zac Efron eats street meat (HaveUHeard)

Pauly D has World’s Worst Hair and His Own TV Show (INeedMyFix)

The 12 films of Christmas (Movieline)

T’was the Night Before Christmas, with Werner Herzog

Oh, this is pure genius, this is. The apparently-demented Ryan Iverson channels Werner Herzog reading that holiday children’s classic, A Visit from St. Nicholas, aka T’was the Night Before Christmas.

Sweet dreams, kiddies!

And now, to your thrice-weekly self-serving gossip links:

Christmas Caroling with GWAR! (raincoaster)
Julian Assange is no Time Lord (Lolebrity)
The most important question of our time (Ayyyy)
Care for a Tumbler? (ManoloFood)
This Christmas, give the gift of Goopy Schadenfreude (AgentBedhead)
Because Thetans are very low in fat and calories (BusyBeeBlogger)
Oh silly Shania, Canada doesn’t have hillbillies! (CeleBitchy)
RIP the only police detective to throw a “Your Favorite 4th Century BC Greek Philosopher” costume party and get away with it (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Ho, ho, ho, and others besides the Kardashians too (GirlsTalkinSmack)
The Curse of 30 Rock strikes again! (HaveUHeard)
The lead cellist was extremely resistant to his suggestion to “bring his A-game” (INeedMyFix)
Take a tour of Jack Black’s colon! (SeriouslyOMG)

 

Christmas Carols with GWAR!

Merry Christmas from GWAR. I SAID MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU ASSHOLES!!!

Merry Christmas from GWAR. I SAID MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU ASSHOLES!!! YOU THINK I WEAR THIS SANTA HAT FOR MY HEALTH???

I mean, you can KEEP your fucking Scrooge, bitches (even the Bill Murray and Alastair Sim ones), if there’s one entity I’d like to be serenaded by on Christmas Day, it would be the multifarious organism known to terrestrials as GWAR. So here is video through which we can all live vicariously, as GWAR descends upon an unsuspecting suburban neighborhood, successively terrorizing a harmless family, an inflatable Santa, a grandmotherly type, and a soccer mom.

Everybody hates those fucking inflatables. Smug bastards, they are.

Watch. Watch and experience the unique joy of the holiday season as GWAR brings their very special brand of awesome to the celebration of the birth of the Christ Child.

Strangely, it seems even GWAR has self-esteem issues! From the video (just after the buzzsaw attack solo):

“How’d we do?”

“You were awesome!”

“Better than crappy?”

“A LOT better than crappy!”

Yes, Soccer Mom. Yes, they are.