Blame Artax!

Blame Artax!

Blame Artax!

The NeverEnding Story is a childhood classic with a neverending potential for discussion. Last week, we discussed how it’s all Artax’s fault that the generation that saw this as children turned out to be completely fucked up. Stupid horse! If you’d just stayed cheerful in the Swamps of Sadness (what, they don’t have bubblegum pop playlists in Fantasia?) you’d have made it out alive, a generation would not have wasted their adolescence pretending to be Fiona Apple and Trent Reznor, and Atreyu would have saved the world a helluva lot faster, you goddam waste of alfalfa!

Emo pony doesn't care about your sugar. Life IS lumps, sweetie.

Emo pony doesn’t care about your sugar. Life IS lumps, sweetie.

This week, we bring you the last thoughts of the late Artax, emo basketcase and (formerly) living proof that man’s best friend is a dog, not a goddam equine.

I’m feeling pretty crummy, if I’m honest with myself. And sort of…melon…what’s that word? Melatonin? Melancholy, that’s it. Boy, I gotta start doing the crossword again, my vocab’s gone to shit.

‘Course I never was the sharpest nail in the horseshoe.

Is the mud getting deeper or is it just me? It is just me. Atreyu! I’m, like, four feet tall all of a sudden. What the heck?

It…it just gets worse from there. Go on. Read the whole thing.

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Shrooms

Gilligan's Island zombies by Once upon a Geek

Gilligan’s Island zombies by Once upon a Geek

Anyone who’s read this blog or my food/booze blog for long knows I’m a big fan of the shrooms. Just the regular ones: I’m already so strange I need white noise apps to fall asleep, otherwise the sound of the Earth breathing keeps me awake. My friends who’ve dealt acid warn me against it: me taking LSD would be too dangerous, like if The Doctor settled down with Jadis, the White Witch, read Ken Kesey, and had a baby named Damian.

Could go either way, knowmasayin’?

So today I’d like to talk about the mushroom meme in zombie literature.

The wha?

Shut up and watch this:

That is a mashup of Richard Cheese’s cover of “Down with the Sickness” and the schlocky Japanese horror movie Matango, known in North America as “Attack of the Mushroom People.” This genius piece of celluloid was the basis for the very-much-dumbed-down-yet-still-enjoyable Gilligan’s Island. And now? “Chernobyl Fungus Feeds on Radiation,” which is a horror movie waiting to happen if ever I heard one.

And it was based on something earlier, and creepier, still: William Hope Hodgson‘s eerie short story The Voice in the Night.

And this is what it said:

“You need not be afraid,” answered the queer voice, having
probably noticed some trace of confusion in my tone. “I am only
an old man.”

The pause sounded oddly; but it was only afterwards that it
came back to me with any significance.

“Why don’t you come alongside, then?” I queried somewhat
snappishly; for I liked not his hinting at my having been a
trifle shaken.

“I — I — can’t. It wouldn’t be safe. I ——” The voice broke
off, and there was silence.

And for goddam good reason, too. Read the rest of it if you prefer not to sleep tonight. So interesting to see the (de)volution: the Edwardian skin-crawler, the Fifties drug allegory, the Sixties bowdlerized Eden fable. Pick your favorite now that you have all of the options. If you want to stay neutral, at least tuck this (very) esoteric erudition away to haul out whenever someone mentions either a) Gilligan’s Island b) the infectious zombie trope (as opposed to the supernatural zombie, which is a whole other dichotomy post).

Threading the Loopy: today in internet comments

Kristen Stewart is So over your shit

Kristen Stewart is So over your shit

You’d roll your eyes too if you had to deal with this shit every damn day.

So, this thread was started, as many are, over on Gawker or rather the new Defamer where author “Anonymous” (not the one I know) called Kristen Stewart a “serial philanderer.” This is technically incorrect, as one can only philandize once married, and KStew has never been married. Thusly:

raincoaster

Technically she’s not the philanderer: he was. Wednesday 3:29pm

rosiedublinraincoaster

2

Shhhhhh. This isn’t about accuracy and facts, this is about using a tabloid narrative to destroy a young girl we hate because she’s our fantasy rival who always wins Rpatz from us in our dreams!! Don’t you know anything! Thursday 12:22pm

raincoasterrosiedublin

I can’t help it. I spent a summer in University reading etiquette books and just had to point that out. Saturday 5:26am

rosiedublinraincoaster

Wow. Interesting. I bet this site…and everything in the world, like, always…keeps you busy…doing that. But lame mild insistence that you’re actually not on the side of Bella Swan, and one half of ‘Robsten,’ noted grrl. ;) Saturday 8:51am

raincoasterrosiedublin

Psssst, rosiedublin, he is NEVER GOING TO BECOME AWARE OF YOUR EXISTENCE. Carry on with the rest of your life, and good luck finding purpose in it. Saturday 9:00pm

rosiedublinraincoaster

Um, since I’m not the one roasting his 22 yr old little gf over a spit in rabid vicious jealousy and clawing her face off, I think you better start repeating that mantra to your own cat lady ass or at least the bullying mad cows your pathetically trying to not appear in opposition to.

It’s okay – try this: your next post, just kick Kstew in the teeth once or twice, so they’ll think you’re one of them, my weasly cowardly little lemming. You initially came off as a possible pro Stewart voice in a sea of squalling vipers, with your little ‘philanderer’ correction…and we absolutely CANNOT have that. lol Yesterday 1:33am

raincoasterrosiedublin

1

See, this is why nobody likes you.

Your first post was lucid, and entertaining, and on-topic. Your second is … well, I’m going to assume you’re drunk. All day. Yesterday 3:30am

rosiedublinraincoaster

Because that’s my goal in life, to be “liked” by sad pathetic bullying cows who attack 22 yr old actresses dating their luuuuuv fantasy sex object. Hahahaha Today 12:30am

You take this amazingly seriously. How many years has it been since you left the house?

PEEWEE with Me!

He's trouble.

He’s trouble.

There are actual real-world advantages to spending as much time as I do on social media. Don’t believe me? FINE! You, then, will not be able to be my date for an 11pm showing of PeeWee’s Big Adventure at the Rio Theatre in glorious uptown Vangroover, just south of The Drive. And why will you be unable to be my date? Because you’ll be sitting in the corner with your fingers in your ears and a pile of electronics around you that you’ve unplugged lest they spy on you through the webcam while you’re asleep, going LALALALALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU SOCIAL MEDIA DOES NOT PAY OFF EYE ARR ELL. Yes, you will.

Here’s the announcement. Now to find a date. Any brave volunteers want to step up?

FREE TICKETS ALERT: “You don’t wanna get mixed up with a guy like me. I’m a loner, Dottie. A rebel.” What can we say about Tim Burton’s PEE WEE’S BIG ADVENTURE? It’s a whimsical delight that, like Pee Wee himself, just never gets old. Burton’s career has had an interesting trajectory since this film’s release in 1985; some would argue that he hasn’t made a good film in years and is really just a frustrated set decorator. *What’s your favourite Tim Burton movie and why?* Leave your comment below to maybe (probably) win TWO TICKETS to PEE WEE’S BIG ADVENTURE this Friday at 11:00. Winners (and there will be many, especially if you take a moment to SHARE THIS POST) contacted via Facebook email (check your “other” box so as not to miss out!) and must be 19+. *PLEASE SHARE* this link, it really helps us let people know what we’re doing! Good luck!

And here’s the comment I made that won it for me:

So, who’s the brave person who will consent to be my Plus One for the evening? If you think it might be unendurable, always remember: they serve beer at the Rio. Volunteers please line up in the comments section.

Ja,n; Just Act, Naturally

JAN: Just Act, Naturally

JAN: Just Act, Naturally

Just feast your starvéd eyes on this vision of natural, spontaneous loveliness. She is Ja,n: Just Act, Naturally; she used to be called Jan: Just Act Naturally, but she changed it because…reasons. And she has a Tumblr.

Would it come as a total shock to you that she teaches acting? Look at her: it was either that or interpretive healing dance.

Emmy Speech Master Class Announcement!

My acting master class is dedicated to the most important performance of an actor’s career: the Emmy Awards acceptance speech.

My much sought-after class is back by popular demand!

Meets twice weekly for four weeks. Cost: $899.00. Begins October 5th. Cash only, no personal checks.

To register, email JAN.JustActNaturally@gmail.com and tell me why you want to be in the class. Admission is based on strength of essay and knowledge of my work.

You can’t have EMMY without EM-ME!

Well, who wouldn’t want to take that workshop? Careful, no stampeding: the line forms on the left. “By popular demand,” yeah, I’ve used that one myself!

But who would spend that kind of money without taking a careful look and doing due diligence and other alliterative investigative thingies. So let us go deep inside the Emmy Speech Master Class and see the hidden truth about delivering a speech in full “I WANT TO LIVE” mode while at the same time remembering to thank your lawyer.

Invest in your future! You never know when you’ll need the assistance of a grateful lawyer.

As someone on Twitter said, “Every day I’m not Parker Posey is a failure.”