Jack Black and Jimmy Fallon: More Than Words, Less Than Perfect

Yes, Jack Black. Yes, you can have me.

Compare and contrast to the original video, by Extreme. It sets the bar high, with over 75 million YES MILLION views, but then ballads by metal bands are always best ballads. Beth. Angie. The list goes on. No-one knows why.

A Zen metal köan.

Jan Terri is the Spirit of Christmas 2014

You know how there’s these ghosts? These Christmas ghosts? And they’re not so much all dead people as they are spirits in the pagan, pantheistic sense? Well, they say every Christmas gets the ghost it deserves (what? they do TOO say that. Now).

And this Christmas, that spirit is legendary chanteuse Jan Terri.

Now, my 2014 was memorable, even if parts of it have been blacked out for my own protection and ability to sleep at night. But it wasn’t all bad. For some of my friends, this year was indeed all bad, and they cannot wait to see its ass out the door. So it is to them that this little ditty is dedicated. You expected an angel singing the praises of the Mother of God and this, THIS, is what you got instead.

Happy New Year!

Attack of the Ukelele Kitteh

It’s almost still Wednesday, so here is a unicorn chaser for you: A sweetly bowtied serenader performing “Nerdy Love Song” and  competing frantically with an adorable kitten for control of a ukelele. If this were any more hipster it would be artisanal, which is to say it would be on Vimeo instead of YouTube.

NERDY LOVE SONG
by DeAnne Smith

C Am F G

I wanna be your abacus baby
you can count on me
and I won’t say that I love you or I heart you,
but I will say less than 3, I less than 3 you

Your molecules must be moving really quickly
’cause girl, you’re hot.
Are you igneous, metamorphic or sedimentary?
All I know is, baby, you rock.

if god existed, I’d thank him for you
but I’m rational and i read (a lot of) Sam Harris
you’re beautiful like the font of Garamond
but I wanna see you sans serif.
(take your pants off)

I wanna be your abacus baby
you can count on me
I observe your quarks oscillating,
and I’m formulating a g-string theory

I’m an archaeologist and I’m gonna compute your age,
yeah, I’m wanna absolutely date you
you make me feel like a male giraffe
I wanna nudge your rump, make you urinate, and mate you (that’s what they do)

the value of my love for you
cannot be expressed exactly
it’s more irrational than pi
hey “Fuck” is a legitimate word in Scrabble, just FYI

I wanna be your abacus baby
you can count on me
you can suck me into the supermassive black hole
at the center of your galaxy (I’m talking vagina)

I may not be the biggest or strongest
but my knowledge of grammar shines
I know how to use the words further and farther correctly
every freaking time

farther indicates physical distance
and further a depth or degree
example: the moon is getting farther from the earth
about 4 centimeters annually (true fact)

example: you just keep getting further into my heart
wait: you just keep getting farther into my heart
no, wait: you just keep getting further into my heart
hang on: you just keep getting farther into my heart

I wanna be your abacus baby
you can count on me
if the situation is ambiguous
further and farther can be used interchangably (that’s a rule! I knew that all along)

I wanna be your abacus baby
you can count on me
and I won’t say that I love you or I heart you
but I will say, I less than 3 you
(please take off your pants)

Via Mok, the Magic Man in the comments on Gawker

Facebook facing it

From the Department of Holy Shit, comes this apology from the Ottawa Citizen to David Bowie. Lest you think this a minor fracas in the media wars, realize that every major media outlet in the planet grabbed this as a headline, thus getting it wrong all the way across the globe. And yes, click the add more.

 

Scene Change

…aaaaand now for something completely different! Here is my latest discovery, Gin Wigmore, fresh out of Kiwilandia and sounding like a hairball coughed up by the raddled lungs of Janis Joplin on a helium binge.

No, wait. It sounds a LOT better than it reads, trust me. You will like this, and if you don’t, I want to know what’s wrong with you.

I got lots of jealous lovers that all wish they had me back
Got a pistol for a mouth, my old mama gave me that
Making my own road out of gravel and some wine
And if I have to fall then it won’t be in your line

[Pre-Chorus:]
Everybody’s doing it so why the hell should I
Everybody’s doing it so why the hell should I

[Chorus:]
I’m a bad woman to keep
Make me mad, I’m not here to please
Paint me in a corner but my colour comes back
Once you go black, you never go back
I’m a black sheep
I’m a black sheep

[Verse 2:]
I wasn’t born a beauty queen but I’m okay with that
Maybe radio won’t mind if I sing a little flat
I wear my boots to bed, hang a cross up on the wall
To save me from a shallow grave that wants to take us all

[Pre-Chorus:]
Everybody’s doing it so why the hell should I
Everybody’s doing it so why the hell should I

[Chorus:]
I’m a bad woman to keep
Make me mad, I’m not here to please
Paint me in a corner but my colour comes back
Once you go black, you never go back
I’m a black sheep
I’m a black sheep
I’m a black sheep
I’m a black sheep

[Repeat Verse 1:]
I got lots of jealous lovers that all wish they had me back
Got a pistol for a mouth, my old mama gave me that
Making my own road out of gravel and some wine
And if I have to fall then it won’t be in your line

[Chorus:]
I’m a bad woman to keep
Make me mad, I’m not here to please
Paint me in a corner but my colour comes back
Once you go black, you never go back

[Outro:]
Once you go black, you never go back
Once you go black, you never go back
Once you go black, you never go back
Once you go black, you never go back