Attack of the Ukelele Kitteh

It’s almost still Wednesday, so here is a unicorn chaser for you: A sweetly bowtied serenader performing “Nerdy Love Song” and  competing frantically with an adorable kitten for control of a ukelele. If this were any more hipster it would be artisanal, which is to say it would be on Vimeo instead of YouTube.

NERDY LOVE SONG
by DeAnne Smith

C Am F G

I wanna be your abacus baby
you can count on me
and I won’t say that I love you or I heart you,
but I will say less than 3, I less than 3 you

Your molecules must be moving really quickly
’cause girl, you’re hot.
Are you igneous, metamorphic or sedimentary?
All I know is, baby, you rock.

if god existed, I’d thank him for you
but I’m rational and i read (a lot of) Sam Harris
you’re beautiful like the font of Garamond
but I wanna see you sans serif.
(take your pants off)

I wanna be your abacus baby
you can count on me
I observe your quarks oscillating,
and I’m formulating a g-string theory

I’m an archaeologist and I’m gonna compute your age,
yeah, I’m wanna absolutely date you
you make me feel like a male giraffe
I wanna nudge your rump, make you urinate, and mate you (that’s what they do)

the value of my love for you
cannot be expressed exactly
it’s more irrational than pi
hey “Fuck” is a legitimate word in Scrabble, just FYI

I wanna be your abacus baby
you can count on me
you can suck me into the supermassive black hole
at the center of your galaxy (I’m talking vagina)

I may not be the biggest or strongest
but my knowledge of grammar shines
I know how to use the words further and farther correctly
every freaking time

farther indicates physical distance
and further a depth or degree
example: the moon is getting farther from the earth
about 4 centimeters annually (true fact)

example: you just keep getting further into my heart
wait: you just keep getting farther into my heart
no, wait: you just keep getting further into my heart
hang on: you just keep getting farther into my heart

I wanna be your abacus baby
you can count on me
if the situation is ambiguous
further and farther can be used interchangably (that’s a rule! I knew that all along)

I wanna be your abacus baby
you can count on me
and I won’t say that I love you or I heart you
but I will say, I less than 3 you
(please take off your pants)

Via Mok, the Magic Man in the comments on Gawker

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Horrors from Beneath: The Octopus and the Mantis Shrimp

Two more in the series of Why I Don’t Swim in the Ocean. I would, if I could convince a pair of divers to swim below me at all times. Watch these videos and you’ll see why.

The Octopus

and

The Mantis Shrimp, ancestor to all clowns. Have a good time trying to sleep tonight.

Enjoy your next swim!

h/t Griffin Boyce

Attention Edward Snowden: INCOMING!

Well, this should end well.

Flounce Bingo, the national game of the Internet

Flounce Bingo, the national game of the Internet

There are some people the internet will miss, and me as well. And then there are some who…well…

So, I’m an admin in a hacker group on Facebook. This is challenging enough with people who are real, rather than made-up personas, and who speak English rather than some garbled patois known only to troll forums, intelligible only to RealGirls and other similarly mentally-challenged persons or entities. But not everyone who is there is real, sane, fluent in English, or respectful of boundaries.

Since I am identifiably and undeniably female on Facebook, those persons feel that I must be the most welcoming, friendly, helpful, and empathic admin.

This is a mistake.

Here is one of them. Let’s mock him, shall we?

Via completely, utterly unsolicited private message on Facebook:

Well, gee. Glad I could help.

Edward, you’re welcome.

Not-So-Great Cthulhu!

Untitled

 

Found on Robson Street. That’s either a Cthulhu whose wings have been plucked (Nodens, that fucker, without a doubt) or a portrait in site-appropriate rainforest marble of some random douchebro on Granville street at about 3am, puking his virgin guts out.

Saturday Night Video: Interview with the Guinea Pig

Wait, is that racist?