Scene Change

…aaaaand now for something completely different! Here is my latest discovery, Gin Wigmore, fresh out of Kiwilandia and sounding like a hairball coughed up by the raddled lungs of Janis Joplin on a helium binge.

No, wait. It sounds a LOT better than it reads, trust me. You will like this, and if you don’t, I want to know what’s wrong with you.

I got lots of jealous lovers that all wish they had me back
Got a pistol for a mouth, my old mama gave me that
Making my own road out of gravel and some wine
And if I have to fall then it won’t be in your line

[Pre-Chorus:]
Everybody’s doing it so why the hell should I
Everybody’s doing it so why the hell should I

[Chorus:]
I’m a bad woman to keep
Make me mad, I’m not here to please
Paint me in a corner but my colour comes back
Once you go black, you never go back
I’m a black sheep
I’m a black sheep

[Verse 2:]
I wasn’t born a beauty queen but I’m okay with that
Maybe radio won’t mind if I sing a little flat
I wear my boots to bed, hang a cross up on the wall
To save me from a shallow grave that wants to take us all

[Pre-Chorus:]
Everybody’s doing it so why the hell should I
Everybody’s doing it so why the hell should I

[Chorus:]
I’m a bad woman to keep
Make me mad, I’m not here to please
Paint me in a corner but my colour comes back
Once you go black, you never go back
I’m a black sheep
I’m a black sheep
I’m a black sheep
I’m a black sheep

[Repeat Verse 1:]
I got lots of jealous lovers that all wish they had me back
Got a pistol for a mouth, my old mama gave me that
Making my own road out of gravel and some wine
And if I have to fall then it won’t be in your line

[Chorus:]
I’m a bad woman to keep
Make me mad, I’m not here to please
Paint me in a corner but my colour comes back
Once you go black, you never go back

[Outro:]
Once you go black, you never go back
Once you go black, you never go back
Once you go black, you never go back
Once you go black, you never go back

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Great Footpads of History: Spring Heeled Jack

Spring Heeled Jack also apparently kitten heeled

Spring Heeled Jack also apparently kitten heeled

Regulars here at the ol’ raincoaster blog will be familiar with our partiality for cryptids, Illuminatuses, and similiar phantoms of the night. They will also be familiar with our somewhat impractical, but extensive, erudition on the subject. Imagine our surprise, then, when we discovered a supernatural evil-doer with which we were unfamiliar!

Spring Heeled Jack.

Maybe it’s just that I find someone whose superpower is going BOING! into the sky not all that intimidating. Maybe that he never actually killed anybody. I mean, it’s all well and good to spit out blue phosphorescent flames, but at a certain point you gotta DO something with them, right? Ah well. Here is the gloriously-voiced Tom Slemen of Liverpool to tell you about Spring Heeled Jack and his friend’s mother…

Tony Blair Speaks Truth to Power!

Tony Blair says How YOU doin?

Tony Blair says How YOU doin?

Here is My Imaginary Boytoy and also apparently Wendi Deng‘s, former British PM Tony Blair, aka bLIAR, speaking the absolute, literal truth for once in his goddam life, with a little help from remix artist Cassetteboy. The peace broker was risking all to deliver a desperate address to the hastily-gathered rebel alliance at the beating heart of the fabled Bloomberg empire, its London HQ. Oh, who am I kidding? He was there for the paycheck.

 

Operation Hippie Update

Soon to be me. Titania, queen of hippie fisherpersons

Soon to be me. Titania, queen of hippie fisherpersons

So, preparing to move from a nomadic, cat-sitting existence to a geostationary one, and one in a vegan ecovillage at that, is proving to be somewhat of a bigger shift than even I realized.

For starters, there’s the busfare to get there, which I do not have. Nor will I have it until one of my clients pays me, and I just split from the biggest-paying one by mutual consent. Yeah, I sent in The Last Invoice, but it’ll be Monday before it’ll be paid, and then it’ll be paid in Paypal, so to get it to the bank will be no sooner than Wednesday, probably Friday of next week and that’s IF it gets paid Monday. And once the money is there, if I’m there also, there’s nothing to buy up there but nights in a B&B and whale watching tours.

So I made Mine Hosts Metro and Mrs Metro an offer they could refuse, but fortunately they didn’t. I will give them the money that would go for bus fare if they will drive me. They can then use this to get a night in a swanky B&B or hotel. This guarantees that I get the back seat of the car, but oh well, it also guarantees I don’t have to sit beside a random homicidal maniac who will hog the armrest. It also means they can drive me to the actual site instead of dropping me off where the highway meets the road and I get a nice long walk down a gravel shoulder before turning up a dirt road in the middle of the rainforest, all while toting three heavy suitcases filled with everything I’ve been wearing for the past nine or ten months.

My footwear collection, also being ported around all over BC in said suitcases, consists of one pair of metallic wedge sandals, one pair Doc Marten Mary Janes, and two pairs of Brooks running shoes made of mesh. Absolutely nothing of the rain boot gum boot variety. And that is the single most necessary type of footwear when approaching an ecovillage on the west side of Vancouver Island in the dead of winter.

When I show up to the ecovillage, I am expected to be self-sufficient and bring food. They have kale; anything else, I’ll have to lug in. Since I am not and do not wish to become a Kaletarian, this means I have to buy food (too busy to catch my own, and the hunting is atrocious in downtown Victoria, although I hear at certain bars it’s easy to catch crabs).

And I have $1.90.

So, being me, I bitched about this on social media.

And, my friends being my friends, one of them sent me $100 so I could buy some goddam boots, two offered to mail me their boots (postage is $40 or so from Vancouver, though), and one offered me a job doing copywriting for his companies. He asked if I needed an advance, and told me to name my own rate. He trusted me to do that honestly in part because when my friend, who is between jobs, offered me the $100 I posted about it and asked my friends if I should take it or turn it down.

As it turned out, I turned down the mailed boots as the postage was truly extravagant and I could buy boots at the end of the month anyway, and accepted the money on the advice to pay it forward.

Then I went to LL Bean and found out the boots I wanted were 37% off, but they were also sold out until April 22, and a fat lot of good that does me. MOST of their boots are sold out, which means everyone is having a pretty shitty, slushy winter. So tomorrow I’m off to do some shopping in downtown Victoria.

My shopping list is a bit different now. When I lived in Vancouver’s Chinatown my shopping lists looked like:

  • sambal oeleck
  • udon noodles
  • bean thread noodles
  • peanut butter (the universe’s most perfect food)
  • prawns
  • salmon
  • chicken
  • soy sauce (you could always tell when I was “rich” because then I’d have three kinds: Indonesian, Japanese for sushi, and Chinese for rice)
  • bok choy
  • onions
  • makeup
  • nail polish in outrageous colours
  • antique or collectable cocktail accoutrements
  • gin

My shopping list for tomorrow reads:

  • gumboots
  • keeper cord for my $150 Akubra hat so the wind doesn’t blow it away
  • crab trap so I can catch my own food
  • fishing rod
  • bean thread noodles
  • peanut butter
  • sambal oeleck (some things never change)
  • bag of oranges in case of scurvy or some goddam thing
  • coffee and GOD I HOPE THEY HAVE A COFFEE POT IN THE COMMUNAL KITCHEN

It would be nice to get some glasses before I leave (the kind for your face, not the kind for your cocktails) so I could actually SEE the view, but maybe I’ll squeeze in an eye exam at least. Metro and Madame Metro have promised me glasses for Christmas. If not, once I’m paid I can just wander into town and I’m sure there’s a doctor there who can write a prescription that Clearly Contacts will mail.

So, basically, gasp in wonder at my steez. My swag. My YOLO. My command of buzzwords.

And my D*CK!

The Jamaican Bobsled Team: 30th in the Olympics, 1st in our hearts

Jamaican Bobsled Team shoots the moon

Jamaican Bobsled Team shoots the moon

Some people only aim as high as the podium. Some tawdry, conventional people.

The members of the Jamaican Bobsleigh Team are not such people.

As we have written elsewhere, they are living their Olympic dreams in part because of the backing of a satirical cryptocurrency named after a faddish pet meme. Now they have released the best song and music video of the 2014 Sochi Olympic Games (unless the fabulous Johnny Weir wants to record something, of course). With a score to date of almost three quarter of a million plays in five days, this is definitely a winning performance.

Is it just me, or do those hands look like…not-hands, if you know what I mean?