Monthly Archives: April 2006

Linkie of the Day: Just Fucking Google It!

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Just Fucking Google It

And just today I was having an interesting conversation with a 13-year-old friend about how the names of certain companies are becoming bywords and catchphrases. McGyver, Google, Kleenex, Kitty Litter. The list goes on. I told her about the article Spy ran years ago, where they used the words "Kitty litter" without the trademark and got a polite "I know you're going to make fun of me, but I get paid to do this" note from the woman who tracks Kitty Litter mentions that don't include trademark notations and chastizes them. So they ran her letter, followed by "we were gonna make fun of you, but since you were so polite we're cutting you a break. And here's a head-start on next month's quota: KITTY LITTER, KITTY LITTER, KITTY LITTER, KITTY LITTER, KITTY LITTER!"

Then I showed my friend the Cthulhu blog, and took her out for dinner: we started with four kinds of ice cream and ended late at night in a divey Chinatown hole in the wall inhabited by security guards, sinister gambling addicts and artists, chowing down on organ meats. Everything was heavily laced with cornstarch and sodium.

Her vegetarian, pure-living mother would be thrilled, I'm sure. I love being the "Bad Auntie."

Head’s Up!

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'I'm offering $10G for my sister's Michaelangelo's Davidhead'

A Canadian family struggling with a bizarre mystery has finally broken down and offered a reward. They'll give $10,000 for any information that leads to the return of their sister's head.

Sploid has the scoop. Somewhere in Montreal is a pathetic, self-abusing goth vandal using the head of an innocent woman as a decorative object. Now, I enjoy Baudelarian verse as much as the next person, but you're supposed to get your trophies from the willing, not the mundanes. Give the head back and nobody gets hurt. Bitch.

King of Pizzas…and bad jokes

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Asked about the items, Bethel explained that when Pizza Man!he finished delivering Domino's pizzas, "he transports deceased bodies in the same vehicle for a funeral home."

Aaaaaaaaaaaalrighty then. Thanks to the Smoking Gun for that story, and I am wondering what happens if he doesn't deliver the corpse within twenty minutes. Do you get the next stiffie free?

It is at this point that I'm reminded of The Pizza King. Now, I adore the Pizza King. It is my go-to pizza choice, without question. Large, three-topping pizza, lasagne, baked ravioli, garlic bread, four salads, side of ribs, two bbq'd drumsticks and four Cokes for $26 Canadian. Can't beat that with a baseball bat.

However.

A few years ago another branch of the same franchise was in the news for some actions that were less than mouth-watering.

On Aug. 4, 1993, the charred remains of what police believe was 64-year-old Bikker Singh Sangha were found on four trays in the since defunct Pizza King restaurant, which used to be located at 12012-88th Ave. in Newton.

And now, because it is Tasteless Day on the raincoaster blog, something you'll have picked up on from the earlier posts, we will post a couple of the jokes that were current at the time. I believe the defence, which was successful, was that people were just trying to save money on the cremation by sticking him in a pizza oven and letting her rip. All perfectly above-board. At three in the morning before the death had actually been reported.

Note to consumers: apparently, the oven was later sold at auction to a new pizza joint. I order all my pizzas from places that have been in existence longer than that, just to be safe. Ew.

Joke A:

So, what was the name of the guy whose body was found in a pizza oven in Surrey?

Amir Cinder

Joke B:

What was his middle name?

Pandeep

Kilt Porn

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What can I say? I'm pimpin' the hits; lord knows I'm not proud.

Kilt Porn, Kilt Porno, Kilt Pron!

Tips on Tips

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Pimpin' fo tips! 

And then things took a turn for the worse when a Ben & Jerry's employee made the horrible mistake of panhandling for tips during this sacred day of frugality…

While we all thought his loud beggary was both annoying and tacky, a certain Mad Black Woman would have none of it, and thus began serving up a big chocolate-covered sundae of vulgarity and obnoxious protest, repeatedly telling the employee that he should be ashamed of himself for asking us for tips, and that this was precisely why he would be "workin' up at Ben & Jerry's for the rest of yo' life!"

Okay, this is an example of what not to do. As a former Starbuckian who's worked her share of charity days, I can say with complete confidence that any tips this man made that day should be saved, because anyone that psycopathic is gonna need bail money on a fairly regular basis. Not only that, but the worker inside who is also looking for tips is probably gonna rip his intestines out and use them for packing tape because she got skunked.

So, do you tip at fast food chains? McDonalds doesn't have tip jars, it has donation boxes, and that's a very good thing. OTOH it must be said that I leave larger tips than donations generally speaking; perhaps I'm just evil that way.

Do you tip when you order off the regular menu? No. If it's bog-standard, the standard is you don't tip.

You do tip, however, when you order something like the following:

Grande 4-shot hazelnut mocha, half-caf, half sweet on both, 2%, easy whip. Which is what I order, when I can afford it. The general rule is a nickle for every customizer, which still keeps it affordable. If they fuck up, which they can do from time to time, you don't tip the next time and you explain why. If you do it politely, they'll actually really want to get it right, just to prove they are better than the obvious day-release, community-time-serving creep who fucked up your mocha before. Then, when you have confirmed the drink has turned out exactly the way you like it, you walk over to the tip jar and put some money in. Triple impact, and pennies clink just as loud as toonies.

On a day when the stuff is free, such as Ben & Jerry's free cone day, you don't pimp the tips. About 20% of people are gonna give you the full price of the free thing anyway. You'll do well. Pimping the tips is just plain greedy, and everyone and their cousin Jethro knows you're being paid minimum wage by the hour anyway; it's not as if you're volunteering the time.

And remember, when you pimp the tips and score big because of the guilt/pressure factor, it comes out of your Karma account, double.