Monthly Archives: April 2006

Operation Global Media Domination: Learn by Example

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MySpaceIt was a very smart boy who said "Learn from the mistakes of others, for you will never live long enough to make them all yourself."

With these words of immortal wisdom in mind, we present the following, from Got Detroit? a metroblog of the finest quality.

How to Conquer the World Using Only an Internet Connection and Myspace

It may either be a lack of quality sleep, or my inherent celebrity fixation, but either way, I’m going to scream it out loud: Myspace is neat! I don’t even want to tell you how many celebrity friends we have. But I will. Let’s see. There’s Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, Ashley Simpson (they come in a set), most of the Detroit Pistons, J.J. of Good Times, Anakin Skywalker, Paris Hilton (all four of them), the entire nation of Israel – Not everyone in Israel, but the nation itself – and I can’t be positive, but at some point I’m pretty sure Tommy Lee’s Penis was our friend (don’t ask). That is, until the Super Bowl, when he promptly had his ass handed to him by Eminem (also our friend).

But, we’ve been thinking lately that something may be missing. That we’re missing the “big picture” on this Myspace thing. Then, wham!, it hit us. The old axiom: It’s all about who you know. And if it’s all about who you know, then it’s gotta be all about the power thing(1). Right? And if we’re going to be doing any real quality world domination any time soon, we figured it might be time to step it up a notch and get after some real heavy hitting trendsetters. Ones that can provide us a little of that allusive “it” factor, glad-handing and some of that ye ole’ flesh pressing we so desperatly need. And Myspace is just ripe with all sorts of these freewheelin, fun-lovin’ attention whores. Who knew Myspace was so trendy and politically/commerically connected?

After much debate we narrowed down our list of must have “friends” we require in order to survive in this looming New New World Order (get a pencil):

  • Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Sure, he’s a douchebag, but whad’ya gonna do?)
  • The Republic of China (If they haven’t already made everything you own, you can bet your ass they soon will)
  • Illegal Immigrants (they’re probably online right now!)
  • Al Gore (Naw. We just wanted to fuck with him a little bit. And besides, he hasn’t logged on in awhile)
  • Gawker (knows how to find all the top notch celeb’s. And sports a pretty impressive collection of the ladies.)
  • Michelle Malkin (We get the feeling she may not be interested)
  • Future Ruler of the World, Suri Cruise (who surprisingly has only one friend, and is really a 50 year old male from Corona Del Mar.)Of course, we tried to nab Rupert Murdoch, but his Myspace profile was strangely unavailable. I mean, come on! The guy owns Myspace! What better friend to have, eh?So, there is our current – yet fully flexible – list of who we’re actively hunting (aside from the usual smattering of cute girls). Who else, dear readers, should we include in our grand experiment? Have we missed someone? If so, let us know discretely. We’re not here to piss anyone off, ya know.(1) But mostly, really, it’s all about the hooking up

    • Fake Writer Day, Junior Edition

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    Courtesy of Gawker, that heartbreaking bitch. Well, what can you expect from a New Yorker, eh?

    Brief recap of the Fake Writer Roundup.

    Exhibit A:

    JT LeRoy, Fake Writer A

    JT LeRoy, the young, mixed-up transexual addict who used to be a lot lizard (truck stop child hooker).

    Not so much, on all counts.

    Middle-aged, crafty, straight, married mundane with a perfectly respectable past and a nice, clean apartment in a good part of town. Which was part of the problem. So, whachagonnado? Ya hire your sister-in-law for appearances, put her in a fright wig and CNIB shades, and have her sleep with Asia Argento: bingo, instant wunderkind.

    Exhibit B:

    James Frey, Fake Writer B

    James Frey, ex-con, hardened, hard-living addict who found salvation in a sometimes-brutal honesty and acceptance of personal responsibility.

    Not. So. Much.

    James Frey, coddled, middle-class boy who has been pulled over for drunk driving a coupla times and may once have prank called an ex-girlfriend.

    So now we come to Exhibit C:

    Kaavya Viswanathan

    Kaavya Viswanathan, wholesome, overachieving valedictorian and current Ivy Leaguer and literary wunderkind, every Indian parents' dream daughter.

    Not. So. Fast.

    Kaavya Viswanathan, not the first young woman to be used by older, wiser publishers looking for a marketing hook. Now, she probably didn't write all of her new book; that much is clear. If she did, she stole, either deliberately or under the influence of the ghost of George Harrison, a dozen or so significant sections. And it's a given that big publishers sometimes pick, almost at random, somebody to give a huge career to simply because they need personalities to market, and if their outstanding characteristic is nothing more than their marketability, surely much the same can be said of half of Manhattan. But I encourage you to read the whole of this analysis by Gawker Intern Neel Shah, both because it's a thoughtful overview with particular reflection on the cultural pressures shared by both Shah and Viswanathan, and also because Shah is really, really hot.

    Neel Shah, Gawker Intern, Hearthrob

    And going to the transcripts:

    Whatever dubious subcontinental wunderkind Kaavya Viswanathan did write, didn’t write, had ghost-written, cribbed, subconsciously borrowed, telepathically stole, or else was brainwashed into doing by a bunch of Pakistanis hell-bent on subverting India’s credibility in the burgeoning Southeast Asian chick-lit genre, at least one thing is clear: shit like this is the reason brown kids should stick to quantitative math and organic chemistry. Ms. Viswanathan, after all, had all the hallmarks of future i-banker or doctor.

    etc, etc.

    Operation Global Media Domination: The Answer

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    TIAI'm incredibly relieved to check stats and see that although we're having our best hit day ever NOT ONE PORN search led people here yesterday. Finally. Instead, it's all about the eagles, the politics, and the smackdown. And curling, naturallement. So, in celebration, I am happily going to answer the one unanswered question among them.

    Yes, Cowichan sweaters are worth the money.

    You have been enlightened. Go placidly amidst the Gore-tex and polar fleece, and remember that corduroy pants make funny noises. As far as possible be on good terms with the MEC sales staff. But tell them straight up their shirts are too dorky, and listen to their recommendations, for they know what's on sale.

    Cowichan Sweater

    Tom Cruise will eat your placenta, bitch!

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    The Fuggers have done it again. Gawd, I love those bitches. And, since my partner in literary snark also ran off to get married, I feel a spiritual kinship to them.

    Now, if only I could write something half as funny as this. Alas, it's probably just the Bombay Sapphire that's holding me back. Yeah, that's it. Tom thinks I need more … vitamins:

    Mission Unfuggable III: A Play In Three Acts

    ACT ONE: THE SURPRISE ARRIVAL

    Tom Cruise sneaks up on PSH to eat his placenta

    The Place: The Mission Impossible III junket in Rome.  Unbeknownst to Philip Seymour Hoffman, his placid afternoon of talking to journalists about the role America's been dying to see him in — as the Man Who Beats the Shit Out of Tom Cruise — is about to be interupted by none other than Tom Cruise HIMSELF…

    But Tom is not alone. He has brought three things: his weird new bangs, his tight girl jeans, and his total divorce from reality.  He thinks,  "AT LAST! I have arrived to SAVE THIS PRESS JUNKET! I can just sneak up behind Hoffman and SAVE THESE GLIB JOURNALISTS FROM HIS REIGN OF TERROR If I'm very, very quiet, HE'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT HIM. I'M A HERO! AGAIN!"Tom Cruise Psych

    I think Act Two is my favorite. Yep, this one is up there with the Lindsay Lohan/Sharon Stone Drunk post from Oscar night.

    Obituary: Jane Jacobs

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    Jane Jacobs

    NEW YORK (AP) – Jane Jacobs, an author and The Death and Life of Great American Citiescommunity activist of singular influence whose classic “The Death and Life of Great American Cities'' transformed ideas about urban planning, died Tuesday, her publisher said. She was 89.

    Jacobs died at a Toronto hospital, which she entered a few days ago, according to Random House publicist Sally Marvin. The author, who would have turned 90 on May 4, had been in poor health.

    A native of Scranton, Pa., Jacobs lived for many years in New York before moving to Toronto in the late 1960s. She and her husband, architect Robert Jacobs Jr., were unhappy that their taxes supported the Vietnam War and moved to Canada. Robert Jacobs died in 1996.

    Jacobs, who based her findings on deep, eclectic reading and firsthand observation, challenged assumptions she believed damaged modern cities – that neighborhoods should be isolated from each other, that an empty street was safer than a crowded one, that the car represented progress over the pedestrian.

    Her priorities were for integrated, manageable communities, for diversity of people, transportation, architecture and commerce. She also believed that economies need to be self-sustaining and self-renewing, relying on local initiative instead of centralized bureaucracies.

    Jacobs received a number of prizes, including a lifetime achievement award in 2000 from the National Building Foundation in Washington, D.C.