Monthly Archives: December 2006

1812: the rematch online

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True Patriot Love... 

It’s that special time of year, the time we all look forward to, the time when wishes come true.

The time when we get to lord it over Americans.

The time when Yahoo releases its top searches for each country. Le voila!

 Canadian Searches

  1. NHL Canadian, obviously
  2. FIFA World Cup International, obviously. And we even know what the game is called!
  3. American Idol Yank wannabe celebrity wank
  4. Rock Star Supernova ditto Canadian rock star reality show
  5. WWE I have no idea what this is and if I did, I’d pretend I didn’t: it just sounds tacky. Everything with two W’s in the acronym sounds like something Joe Weider was involved in, and that just reeks of klass-with-a-kapital-k. Even if he was from Montreal.
  6. Neopets Wholesome kid’s site
  7. Revenue Canada Canuckistani bagmen who give us homework
  8. Days of Our Lives Yank soap opera. But it does take place on the Great Lakes, which is as good as on the border. The characters are all dull and hence, closet Canadians.
  9. Environment Canada Canuckistan is way green, y’all
  10. Jessica Simpson Even Canadians like to watch synthetic Barbies in tight dresses, it seems. At least this one can sing, more or less.

U.S. Searches

  1. Britney Spears Twatflasher
  2. WWE see Canadian list
  3. Shakira Columbian hottie singer/dancer of some talent
  4. Jessica Simpson Overly-produced, silicone and restylane enhanced singer/actress of moderate talent, known for taking it up the butt from Johnny Knoxville
  5. Paris Hilton Twatflasher, porn star, celebutard
  6. American Idol See Canadian list
  7. Beyoncé Knowles former Destiny’s Child, sleeping with Jay-Z
  8. Chris Brown who?
  9. Pamela Anderson Canadian actress, porn tape star, serial large-penis marrying tabloid dream
  10. Lindsay Lohan Started the Twatflashing vogue.

Next year, anyone want to bet the #1 will be “Beaver shots?” Canada wins either way.

Karla upskirt shots any day now

safe sex, British-style

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With Hugh Laurie, Dawn French, Rowan Atkinson (as “Mr. R”) and Stephen Fry as the suave emcee. So you know it’s going to be totally educational.

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Technorati me!

scared of Santa slideshow

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At least SOMEONE is having fun!

You know, there are some jobs that just don’t pay enough. Iain Dale thinks being a British MP should entitle one to a cool hundred thousand a year, but name me one MP who routinely gets peed on (Oaten‘s not still an MP, is he?) as well as screamed at, and who is forced to wear such ridiculous and overheated gear. If they made them dress funny, THEN it might be worth paying them more. I think Bozo outfits would be appropriate, don’t you? The Brits only make lawyers dress up like that nowadays, and I am sure the opportunity to dress like a relatively sane member of society circa 1986 is what attracts so many lawyers to the service of their country through politics.

Yeah, that’s what it is.

In any case, looming large among jobs you couldn’t pay me enough to do is this: Shopping Mall Santa.

And why? Let’s examine this Chicago Tribune slideshow of over 60 photos dating back to the Fifties. It’s entitled Scared of Santa, and for obvious reasons. Enjoy.

As for me and my sibling-unit, the only time we had such an incident was one time my sister, a mere toddler in a velvet miniskirt, misunderstood the way the deal worked and demanded her present before she would leave Santa‘s lap. This was, naturally, refused. Through the sonic firestorm that ensued, my father had difficulty making the actual terms understood, and finally resorted to the old trick of picking up something shiny and throwing it off-camera, so she’d scamper off in pursuit. Worked like the proverbial charm, of course, as Santa and I exchanged confidential winks.

To this day I understand that she treasures this length of tinsel, but I do not believe that her appreciation of it at the moment of gifting was as great as Santa‘s, my father’s, or, indeed, my own.

Look! It’s V for Santa! She must be a fascist!

V for Santa

Watch out, fatman; she’s got a mean left hook!

Why I aughtta...

and sometimes it’s simply unanimous!

Santa and the boys are as of one mind

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PSA: tiki party @ Lucky Red

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Tiki party, baby!

LUCKY RED presents
The 4th Annual NEW TINY TIKI LOUNGE LOWBROW ART SHOW
SATURDAY DECEMBER 9TH: 8PM

Art is pouring in from Tiki artists from across the globe for your polenysian perusal this Saturday at Lucky Red for what has become the highlight of the Vancouver winter art season: the annual New Tiny Tiki Lounge show.

This year, as always we’ll be presenting the cream of the lowbrow crop in all their tiki splendor, displayed in tiki’s natural environment: the tiki lounge.

Sidle up to the tiki bar and give winter a hawaiin punch in the eye with one of the new hand painted limited edition Lucky Red tiki mugs while surrounded by the work of local favorites as well as that of true believers from distant shores.

No crybabies. Coconut bras optional.

Oh, and…I’ve been assured that the new 12 Midnite coloring book will be hot off the presses in time for Saturday, so if you can’t make the official launch on the 16th, you’ll still be able to pick up a handful to fill all your christmas stockings…and fill Mr. Midnite’s greedy little pockets.

LUCKY RED
NEW TINY TIKI LOUNGE
SATURDAY DECEMBER 9TH: 8PM
Union at Main, Vancouver, Canada…on the bitter end of chinatown

quiz: which wife of Henry VIII are you?

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Yes, I’m being very lazy, aren’t I? Hardly writing any of my own material and pretty much politics-free. Guess I’ve been scratching the political itch over at the new Bojo Forum, but wait; I’m sure there will be something coming soon. I mean, I should probably say something about the new leader of the Liberal Party of Canada, but that would presume I knew something about Stephane Dion, the new leader of the Liberal Party of Canada, which of course I do not. All that I know about him is he is not Michael Ignatieff, for which the nation is, I’m sure, very grateful.

Now to the quiz…with bonus before-and-after Katherine Howard pix! Ah, if they’d had Botox and Restylane back then, she’d have kept her pretty head! In fact, it probably still wouldn’t have decomposed!

Before:

Katherine Howard, before

and After:

After

Which wife of Henry the Eighth are you?

Your Result: Anne Boleyn

42%

You are Anne Boleyn, second, and most famous, wife of Henry. You are fiery, smart, confident, and witty. Though not notorious for your beauty, you have a prescience that sticks out in people’s minds. You will stop at nothing to get what you want. Keep in mind, though, when you get it, you have to know how to keep it.
Katherine of Aragon

32%
Catherine Parr

22%
Kathrine Howard

20%
Jane Seymour

6%
Anne of Cleves

0%
Which wife of Henry the Eighth are you?
Quiz Created on GoToQuiz