Yes, yet another self-referential blog post. After all, what else is there for me to talk about but…you know…me? I’m an expert on me. I know me backwards and forwards, inside and out (or at least I do since I saw that CAT scan) upside and down.
In Bizarro World, raincoaster falls asleep every night promptly at a reasonable hour, beside one of: Viggo Mortensen, Johnny Depp, Steve Jobs, James Tiberius Kirk, Henry V as played by Kenneth Branagh, Michael Lewis, or Sebastian Junger; the bed is stuffed with fluffy, fluffy Krugerrands, and the nightgown is carved from one solid, flawless diamond. Ah, for a life of ease!
In Bizarro World, raincoaster works for Vanity Fair, or rather VF publishes old blog posts of mine, with the YouTubes embedded right in the glossy pages using special technology developed just for me.
And, most importantly, in Bizarro World raincoaster is profiled by Vanity Fair.
The raincoaster Proust Questionnaire:
1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Uh, didn’t you READ the post?
2. What is your greatest fear?
Server problems. If a blog falls in the forest and nobody’s subscribed to the RSS feed…
3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Modesty. I’ve almost completely succeeded in eradicating it, but not quite.
4. What is the trait you most deplore in others?
An inability to recognize my awesomenosity
5. Which living person do you most admire?
6. What is your greatest extravagance?
Gin. My liver has a vested interest in keeping me poor and sober.
7. What is your current state of mind?
Fried. This getting up in the MORNING is for the birds. Right, birds wake up early. Birds eat worms. Therefore, getting up early sucks.
8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Getting up early, duh. Haven’t you been reading?
9. On what occasion do you lie?
When the truth would give a falsely modest impression of my awesomenosity. It just wouldn’t be fair.
10. What do you most dislike about your appearance?
My tentacles will NOT stay combed.
11. Which living person do you most despise?
Is Thatcher still alive? Bush? The guy who cancelled M.A.S.H.? WHY MUST THESE QUESTIONS BE SO HARD?
12. What is the quality you most like in a man?
The ability to be Viggo Mortensen.
13. What is the quality you most like in a woman?
The ability not to get between me and Viggo Mortensen.
14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Me, Myself and I would like you to define “overuse.”
15. What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Again, I am forced to ask haven’t you been reading this?
16. When and where were you happiest?
Any day now.
17. Which talent would you most like to have?
The ability to fake sincerity.
18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
My socks. And if you were sitting beside me, you wouldn’t need to ask why.
19. What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Earning the good home-maker badge and the whatchamacallit, housewife emblem, in Girl Guides, thus proving once and for all that I can do ANYTHING.
20. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
The vindictive joke of a malevolent god, that’s what me coming back would be. The fucker.
21. Where would you most like to live?
Olympus. Failing that, Not-Ucluelet.
22. What is your most treasured possession?
My self-possession, obviously!
23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
24. What is your favorite occupation?
What are you hiring for, big fella?
25. What is your most marked characteristic?
Did you read this one?
26. What do you most value in your friends?
The ability to buy me drinks at the Heather.
27. Who are your favorite writers?
The ones who buy me drinks, and not just what they’re having.
28. Who is your hero of fiction?
I’d say Caspian the Tenth, King of Narnia, but he’s not fictional.
29. Which historical figure do you most identify with?
30. Who are your heroes in real life?
31. What are your favorite names?
Robin, Anastasia, Skippy the Klingon
32. What is it that you most dislike?
33. What is your greatest regret?
Volunteering to do this blogathon without laying in an adequate supply of gin and/or z’s.
34. How would you like to die?
Vindicated. Stole that one from Fran Lebowitz, but how could I not?
35. What is your motto?
49 degrees latitude, 360 degrees attitude!