Operation Global Media Domination: The Proust Questionnaire Situation

Posted on July 25, 2009 by raincoaster

Yes, yet another self-referential blog post. After all, what else is there for me to talk about but…you know…me? I’m an expert on me. I know me backwards and forwards, inside and out (or at least I do since I saw that CAT scan) upside and down.

In Bizarro World, raincoaster falls asleep every night promptly at a reasonable hour, beside one of: Viggo Mortensen, Johnny Depp, Steve Jobs, James Tiberius Kirk, Henry V as played by Kenneth Branagh, Michael Lewis, or Sebastian Junger; the bed is stuffed with fluffy, fluffy Krugerrands, and the nightgown is carved from one solid, flawless diamond. Ah, for a life of ease!

In Bizarro World, raincoaster works for Vanity Fair, or rather VF publishes old blog posts of mine, with the YouTubes embedded right in the glossy pages using special technology developed just for me.

And, most importantly, in Bizarro World raincoaster is profiled by Vanity Fair.

The raincoaster Proust Questionnaire:

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Uh, didn’t you READ the post?

2. What is your greatest fear?

Server problems. If a blog falls in the forest and nobody’s subscribed to the RSS feed…

3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

Modesty. I’ve almost completely succeeded in eradicating it, but not quite.

4. What is the trait you most deplore in others?

An inability to recognize my awesomenosity

5. Which living person do you most admire?

Besides myself?

6. What is your greatest extravagance?

Gin. My liver has a vested interest in keeping me poor and sober.

7. What is your current state of mind?

Fried. This getting up in the MORNING is for the birds. Right, birds wake up early. Birds eat worms. Therefore, getting up early sucks.

8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Getting up early, duh. Haven’t you been reading?

9. On what occasion do you lie?

When the truth would give a falsely modest impression of my awesomenosity. It just wouldn’t be fair.

10. What do you most dislike about your appearance?

My tentacles will NOT stay combed.

11. Which living person do you most despise?

Is Thatcher still alive? Bush? The guy who cancelled M.A.S.H.? WHY MUST THESE QUESTIONS BE SO HARD?

12. What is the quality you most like in a man?

The ability to be Viggo Mortensen.

13. What is the quality you most like in a woman?

The ability not to get between me and Viggo Mortensen.

14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

Me, Myself and I would like you to define “overuse.”

15. What or who is the greatest love of your life?

Again, I am forced to ask haven’t you been reading this?

16. When and where were you happiest?

Any day now.

17. Which talent would you most like to have?

The ability to fake sincerity.

18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

My socks. And if you were sitting beside me, you wouldn’t need to ask why.

19. What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Earning the good home-maker badge and the whatchamacallit, housewife emblem, in Girl Guides, thus proving once and for all that I can do ANYTHING.

20. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?

The vindictive joke of a malevolent god, that’s what me coming back would be. The fucker.

21. Where would you most like to live?

Olympus. Failing that, Not-Ucluelet.

22. What is your most treasured possession?

My self-possession, obviously!

23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

No Followers.

24. What is your favorite occupation?

What are you hiring for, big fella?

25. What is your most marked characteristic?

Did you read this one?

26. What do you most value in your friends?

The ability to buy me drinks at the Heather.

27. Who are your favorite writers?

The ones who buy me drinks, and not just what they’re having.

28. Who is your hero of fiction?

I’d say Caspian the Tenth, King of Narnia, but he’s not fictional.

29. Which historical figure do you most identify with?

Myself.

30. Who are your heroes in real life?

See #27

31. What are your favorite names?

Robin, Anastasia, Skippy the Klingon

32. What is it that you most dislike?

Blogathons

33. What is your greatest regret?

Volunteering to do this blogathon without laying in an adequate supply of gin and/or z’s.

34. How would you like to die?

Vindicated. Stole that one from Fran Lebowitz, but how could I not?

35. What is your motto?

49 degrees latitude, 360 degrees attitude!

This is a Blogathon post. Don’t just sit there, SPONSOR ME!

Putting the “OW” in “Power”

Posted on July 25, 2009 by raincoaster

At this point, slightly less than a third into Blogathon, I have more or less no idea what I’m going to do in terms of a post to go with that title, but let us not constrain ourselves with linear notions of time, space, logic, and readability, shall we?

I know! Power is, like, electricity, or rather electricity is a kind of power. Sure, it’s not the kind enjoyed by absolute monarchs or the tyrants of the ancient city-states, but it’s power nonetheless. And so I hereby declare this post to be about power.

Not that most of mine aren’t, in some way, shape or form. In fact, Operation Global Media Domination is one of the busiest categories on my blog, with 238 posts, soon to be 239. Do I hear 240?? Going once, going twice, come on people, you all know I’m going to run out of things to talk about besides myself, and what does that leave us, eh? That’s right. Operation Global Media Domination: going auto-meta. Set phasers for “backlink” and fasten your seatbelts; it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

Addison DeWitt: [voiceover] Margo Channing is a star of the theater. She made her first stage appearance at the age of four in Midsummer Night’s Dream. She played a fairy and entered, quite unexpectedly, stark naked. She has been a star ever since. Margo is a great star, a true star. She never was or will be anything less or anything else.

Right, power. It’s a blog post about power.

Those of you who’ve been following the raincoaster sitch closely will know that (digital appearances to the contrary) OGMD HQ has been entirely without electricity for a period of approximately three months. Fortunately, this corresponds exactly with a period of remarkable good weather, and also with the period during which I have a hibachi, a cast-iron stove, and access to an office with a full kitchen 24/7. Essentially, I told Hydro I’d catch them later, when they weren’t asking $300 simply to reconnect the power. After ninety or so days they saw the light (so to speak) and There Was Light. And Heat. And Refrigeration.

Never try to tough it out and outlast raincoaster. I would have burned Canadian Tire flyers all winter to keep warm, if I’d had to.

This is a Blogathon post. Don’t just sit there, SPONSOR ME!

War of the Sexes: Man vs Woman

Posted on July 25, 2009 by raincoaster

Sorry, boys. We own you.

Another in our ongoing series of hilarious, sexy, booze-related commercials. Let’s get the Scots (particularly that long-haired one) together with this chick and breed a race of super-drinkers. Imagine if that happened: finally a date that could keep up with me!

This is a Blogathon post. Don’t just sit there, SPONSOR ME!

The war of the sexes: Man vs Man

Posted on July 25, 2009 by raincoaster

I don’t care what you’ve got, it’s not as good as this. This is, quite simply, the best commercial ever made. New Zealand vs Scotland, man-mountains vs Abercrombie and Fitch models, two avatars of modern masculinity going head-to-head in a testosterone-sodden war. Who wins?

Watch this, and then you tell me.

Me? I think the audience wins!

This is a Blogathon post. Don’t just sit there, SPONSOR ME!

Post-Postathon Pampering

Posted on July 25, 2009 by raincoaster

Having never participated in Blogathon before, I was unsure how to prepare, and consequently there are some gaping holes where my careful preparations should be. I brought, for instance, my travel kit of personal care products including shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste and toothbrush. I forgot, however, a towel. I suppose I could always air-dry?

And I’m out of gin. Yes, ALREADY.

As with my prep, so with my after-party; that is, I haven’t gotten it hooked up yet. I would assume that doing 48 posts in 24 hours (NOT 49, I AM TELLING YOU) would be deserving of a reward, one other than and in addition to the obvious one of sleep. Just what that reward could be, I haven’t really decided, except that it will involve making other people do stuff I could damn well do for myself. In fact, as long as it meets that criteria, it qualifies as what I want most. I mostly always want other people to do stuff for me, but rarely have the excuse to demand it.

Which, you may have noticed, does not stop me from doing so anyway.

I could get someone to help me clean my place, but a) it’s so big a job I’d have to help out, thus negating the not-lifting-a-finger thing, b) no way can I afford to pay someone to tackle this themselves, in fact I’m not sure Bill Gates has enough money. I mean, I know what’s growing under there; can I honestly ask some poor sap from MollyMaid to take that on? And can I afford to settle the wrongful death suits if she does?

I could get perfume, only the only perfume I like costs enough that it might as well be distilled from the beaded brow sweat of the collected offspring of Serge Gainsbourg, generated while they adapted Mozart’s Queen of the Night aria to a new rock opera to star Viggo Mortensen. Harvested under a solar eclipse.

So, yeah.

I could get a pirate hat. I look GOOOOOOOD in a pirate hat, not like some costumey dope; I look like some cross-dressing 17th Century chick on a mission of revenge, something that’ll change the course of history in the South Pacific forever. Not like this:

But a cheap pirate hat is not a good look. So it’s either the expensive pirate hat, or the spa visit, I’m thinking. Or gin? Gin goes with everything!

This is a Blogathon post. Don’t just sit there, SPONSOR ME!

	raincoaster on Goodbye, Robert Redford
	raincoaster on Goodbye, Robert Redford
	HL fotoeins on Goodbye, Robert Redford
	sfr on Goodbye, Robert Redford
	Vincent G on The Wolf Covid Briefing Bingo

Don't keep it to yourself!

Don't keep it to yourself!

Don't keep it to yourself!

Don't keep it to yourself!

Don't keep it to yourself!