The Boss Covid Briefing Bingo

Good evening, Possums. We’re a little late with today’s briefing, because as you and I and everyone in this general hemisphere of the Earth knows, our day couldn’t start until the verdict came down in the Derek Chauvin trial for the murder of George Floyd.

Guilty.

Guilty.

Guilty.

Good.

Here’s hoping they put him in with the general prison population. That should go well for him.

It’s fun watching people like Tim “Blue Lives Matter And Also I Wear A Beanie Because I’m Bald” Pool realize their ship is sinking, and start swimming.

So, it’s a good day to be on Planet Earth.

Better for some of us than for others; like this person, who has a plan, and an awesome and inspirational one at that. This is how you motivate people! This! This is true leadership!

A man who does not have a plan, let alone one of awesomeness or inspirationalitivity, is Doug Ford, Officially Still Premier Of The Province Of Ontario.

Tick.

Tock.

Salvador Dali Melancholy Atomic
Doug Ford’s Kabinet of Kuriosities

He had a plan. Not sure where he got it. Probably cobbled it together from Roger Stone and Steve Bannon’s old cocktail napkin doodles, which would explain its coherence. He announced it last Friday, and it was promptly thrown back in his face by that cadre of Antifa agitators, the Ontario Provincial Police.

Like ANYONE is in a big hurry to get INTO Covid Central! Manitoba and Quebec should have blockades going the other direction in self-defence.

You know, these guys:

To Protect And Serve?

So, when you tell the provincial police force to set up barricades to prevent people from entering your province, and to stop and frisk (or assault and throw) children in skate parks on Friday, and by Tuesday of the next week they’re all “Fuck this shit” and publicly disobeying you, and you, yourself, are MIA, to what extent are you still, in fact, in power?

Ford’s government has had to walk all of this back by themselves, because their Fearless Leader has skedaddled.

Ford was absent from the Ontario Legislature for the second day in a row Tuesday and has not held a news conference since last Friday, when the government’s new measures to battle the pandemic were met with outrage, condemnation and ultimately led to reversals by his government.

Asked about the premier’s whereabouts, Deputy Premier Christine Elliot told reporters at Queen’s Park that Ford is “very busy and working to find more vaccines for Ontario.”

CTV News

Done a runner. Vamoosed. Scarpered. Yes, Possums, scarpered. It’s 90% likely that he’s just holed up in his cottage in the pretty Muskoka lake district, which is something that is against his own regulations right now. But there are several tantalizing other possibilities, including:

  • Swimming with the fishes courtesy of dissatisfied donors
  • Rooming with Jimmy Hoffa courtesy of some dissatisfied political puppetmasters
  • Locked in a stall in the Queen’s Park men’s room refusing to come out
  • Arrested in a PEI Walmart parking lot
  • or my personal favourite:
  • Sealed in his Führerbunker staring at a pistol

Time, possums, it shall tell.

Oh wait, no. The Dog Ate His Homework!

As we all know, Nature abhors a vacuum, as do most cats and dogs and I’m not too fond of them myself. And as Machiavelli taught us, politics, also, abhors a vacuum. So Nature and Politics have banded together to fill the void left by the quickly-retreating figure of Doug Ford, as we discussed only yesterday.

But who?

Hey Bae!

Thassariiiiiiight! As we explained yesterday, Justin Trudeau is basically now the Acting Premier of Ontario, which is a very peculiar situation indeed and as far as we at the raincoaster institute for kids who can’t politic good are aware, it’s the first time in Canadian history this particular situation has arisen.

Things are about to change

Today the Derek and Hansel of Canadian politics, the Batman and Robin, yea, the Electra Woman and DynaGirl, Justin Trudeau and Chrystia Freeland, gave a Covid Briefing which, while remaining a strictly federal affair, still managed to say, “Hey, Ontario. We see you. We got you. No, like, we really got you now.”

And HAPPY 420!

In fact, they did two appearances today. We don’t have time to write up both, but here’s the first, which was a Zoom meeting with pharmacists talking about the Covid vaccine rollout in their various provinces, and damn fascinating it was, too. Highly recommended.

We note that despite being really good and topical, it didn’t pull great numbers, dipping below 300 viewers towards the end; people, put it on YouTube and then STREAM it live to Twitter and Facebook and your own website. We gotta tell you everything? Expect an invoice, seriously.

And our second Covid-related briefing was officially a budget-related media appearance by the welded-at-the-elbow-till-the-election-is-over team of Freeland and Trudeau although I expect protocol wants it to be Trudeau and Freeland but whatever. We’re almost 800 words into this and we haven’t started calling bingo yet! ALLONS-Y!

Here’s our video:

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and Finance Minister Chrystia Freeland hold a news conference on Parliament Hill, one day after Freeland’s delivery of the first federal budget in more than two years. The Liberal government has proposed more than $101 billion in net new spending over the next three years.

And here are our bingo cards:

Here we go, Possums. Mark these squares to start with: Mask (and can someone get Freeland a nicer-looking one? This is the stage of pandemic fatigue we’ve reached, Possums. Mask critique), Maple Leaf Accessory, Facial Hair (Trudeau, not Freeland, we have world-class salons here in Ottawa yanno), and, obviously, Freeland.

Dear god, we’re at 992 words and only two seconds into the briefing. No transcription today, Possums, we’re going to have to get straight to the point.

The bingo cards.

It’s a post about playing bingo.

Of course it is.

Mark your “Begins in French” square which we haven’t had for awhile. And have you noticed more women in Parliament are wearing their hair down, which I as a woman (did I tell you that? Everyone on the Internet just thinks I’m a bitter old gay man) salute. And another time we’ll discuss the implications of reading from a document with regard to eye makeup choices, and how that pale line above the upper lash line really works, but that day is not today!

No, Possums!

Straight to the point! Unlike some people.

Oh, and mark your “Pearls” square too. For Freeland, not Trudeau. And now in English we get “Vaccines” right away. And “Gesticulates” because she’s a real desk tapper. You know the type. “We really (tap) need (tap) to get this (pause) DONE (tap)” that sort of thing.

Oh, and as she’s reeling off all the many billions of federal dollars to be invested in all the many many federal programs, she lets you mark your “strenuous nod” square too. Taps are for fraught news, nods are for good news. Got it. NOTED! I eagerly anticipate inviting her to play poker some time at the Ottawa branch of raincoaster HQ.

“Chrystia” sounds good in both official languages, but it sounds way better in French, which is not true of everything.

Freeland lets you mark the “Black suit” square which we’ve never had yet, and Trudeau gives you the “Blue suit” square. Neither of them give you florals. Sorry, possums. Write to your MP.

Speaking of trivia, Freeland flips her pages over when she puts them down after reading. Trudeau doesn’t. [note to self, on slow news day can surely work up some sort of paper schism story if necessary].

OBVIOUSLY mark your “Flagrant Neoliberalism” square. And “Doug Ford” is all over this in implied rather than named form, so mark that squre.

Freeland gave you “Second wave” and Trudeau gives you “Third wave”. And “Keeping Canadians safe.” And “From Coast to Coast to Coast” which has hardly been seen since we invented this bingo, which we partly did because we thought somebody had to address the Trudeauian dependency on that particular stock phrase. Whereupon he immediately stopped using it for *checks notes* just over a solid year, Possums.

Mother would be so proud of us.

There’s your “Florid thanks for healthcare workers” square. And “Got your back.” Oooh, and “Shades Harper.” Always like to see that one. Good, middle class jobs? Do those exist outside of Ottawa? Time will tell. And “From the very beginning”

I see somebody finally corralled that stray cowlick that’s been making a break for it across the Prime Ministerial forehead all month. Good work, buckaroo!

Oh, there’s your “Shades Premiers” square which is really all about Doug Ford, who remains unnamed, enjoying the same icy treatment that Trudeau gave to Trump.

Oh yes, and since this is a budget briefing, mark your “Finds new way to give Canadians money” about 150 billion times.

There’s your “rapid testing” square, and he reminds you eleventy-million times that the federal government did an end run around Doug Ford’s provincial government and is working directly with the affected municipalities.

And there is none so affected as Toronto, a sentence which works no matter how you read it.

“Reiterates the border will remain closed” is active now. And we’re heading into the questions from the media now.

and yes, mark your “Freeland’s papers go all the way across the desk” square. Yes, we have one for that.

And thank you (I said out loud, I was just so happy to hear it, and I’m alone in the house) Trudeau gives us the “Donc” square.

Tonda MacCharles‘s question gets you “From the very beginning” but I think we already had that one.

And mark your “fails to translate the answer into the other language” because that happened. Usually does, at least once. And at the 20 minute mark you get “sign language interpreters swapped out.”

Unnamed reporter at minute 24 whose voice I don’t recognize gets you the “twinkleface” square which hasn’t been in action in months, because It’s Been A Year, Possums. It Really Has. Trudeau leaves his mask off while he’s sitting down, but Freeland puts hers on unless she’s answering a question.

For the second time today Trudeau is asked about getting the vaccine and answers he’s happy to get it as soon as he can, and he uses the word “concretized” which is surely not a word that exists outside of the Greenbelt. Not if there’s any justice in this world. Not if I have anything to say about it.

And mark your “G7” square which is somewhere in the middle of the cards. And “Got your backs” again along with “Concerned Priest Hand Clasp.” And “Long Term Care” as well. And when it comes to accepting money and the goals of the budget, you can mark your “Pushes responsibility to provinces” but much more nicely than they used to do.

“From the very beginning” is active thanks to the question about allowing flights from India and Brazil, but we’ve had it twice already I think. We might get a bingo today, Possums. Speaking of India…

New variant who dis?

Trudeau always straightens his papers when he’s uncomfortable. The question about the systemic sexual harassment in the Armed Forces gets him to do it three times, and it’s not a long question.

And that’s a wrap, possums!

Don’t forget, we’re still naming these after a Mystery Theme which is completely arbitrary and which nobody has guessed yet. Take a flyer and put your guess in the comments to win fabulous, completely imaginary prizes.

We’ve had:

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