The Hard Jade Covid Briefing Bingo

Well Possums, today neither of the computers would get online at all, so today’s bingo was done live entirely on two phones: one showing the CPAC video, the other tweeting like a mofo on an apple butter bender. It IS breakfast time for us late risers, after all. At least the coffee is ready.

Unless it’s apple butter. Don’t even get me started.

So our intro is once again abbreviated. Let’s get right into it our briefing, today named after our arbitrary nomenclature theme with which we’ve been sticking for months now, and after the semiprecious stone most revered in China, and very much also after the semiprecious scorn heaped upon their government today by the Prime Minister of Canada who, despite everything he said in two official languages, still refuses to say the word “genocide” in either. Maybe by next Lunar New Year.

“种族灭绝” in case you were wondering. That’s “Genocide” in simplified Chinese. And, really, this is pretty simple.

Those dragons only eat lettuce, don’t worry.

Actually, before we begin we have a small announcement to make.

And now, a word from our Grand Vizier:

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau addresses Canadians from outside his home in Ottawa on the federal government’s response to the ongoing COVID-19 (coronavirus disease) pandemic.

And here are our bingo cards:

Here we go, outside again and it’s just like old times. That’s a funny interpretation of quarantine if you ask me, but nobody did.

Again. Still. Sigh…

Ok Possums, BOTH computers are dead today so we’re doing the Covid #BriefingBingo on twitter and laterblogging it. I had intended to watch the briefing again and add in whatever I missed, but with the computer booting itself offline roughly once very ninety seconds, that’s a little above my pay grade for today.

Mark your Technical Difficulties square and Starts More Than 10 Minutes Late. Also mark Rideau Hall/Cottage and Seasonal Porchscaping squares.

We have Blue Suit and Begins in French and sadly we have someone speaking French over the English so mark Audio Issues too. Fortunately she stops at some point. Are they day drinking at CPAC these days? There’s an election coming up, they better get their shit sorted ASAP.

Mark Vaccine square and Foreshadows Announcement Coming Later and Facial Hair. That’s a pandemic beard like a playoff beard, if much more controlled which is perfectly on brand for Trudeau.

Audio just dropped completely. And mark Finds New Way To Give Canadians Money, everyone’s favourite square. And Shades Conservatives re: gun laws.

There’s your Thousand Yard Stare and Feels Parent’s Pain when he’s talking about kids and gun violence.

Going hard on the Shading Conservatives today on LGBTQ laws banning conversion therapy, gun control, and passing the budget. Drinks Water square active. And now on to the questions.

Gesticulates square active. By the time he calls the election these briefings will be 100% French. I note that the French writing is on top of the sign, which is the opposite of usual in Ottawa.

Keeping Canadians Safe active. And Every Step of the Way square too. TWICE! They managed to keep it out of the speech, but you let him off the leash and he runs straight home to his favourite clichés.

Donc square! And Flashes Wedding Ring too, which we haven’t had since last year.

Oh yes mark the Blue Tie square too, that’s on the 10th Generation card if I recall.

Elections scandals starting early, I see, although this one fizzled out about ten seconds into the reporter’s question. Try again, Walsh. I’m gonna give you the “Stupid Gotcha Question” for that one.

Every Step of the Way again, that’s three.

If the government hadn’t been transparent how did Mariekke Walsh hear about these contracts in the first place so she could ask about how they are consistent with transparency? Not that any Trudeau government is transparent; far from it. But in this particular, granular case, come the actual fuck on.

You gotta admit it’s pretty weird to give a press conference in person when you’re technically in quarantine I mean, nobody came to MINE!

Paper Straightening square active. Kevin Gallagher (activists: not that Kevin Gallagher) is hammering him on sexual assault and harassment in the military and good work there! Trudeau replies they’re working on it and there is more to do which, OBVIOUSLY.

Twinkleface square active and I’m pretty sure someone told the moderator to pick more French than English questions. Did I mention there’s an election coming?

Sign Language Interpreters Swapped Out and also Uighurs squares active. Great question about how Canada, which the UN says is guilty of genocide, has the moral high ground over China. However, it is possible for both to wallow when you think of it.

The reply is a pretty good speech on: “Where is China’s Truth and Reconciliation?” You know Trudeau rehearsed this extensively, and he’s relieved to let it out.

I don’t get why he won’t just say “genocide.” He says everything else. It’s not like China’s going to hear words like “atrocities” and think “well, that’s cool. He’s cool.”

Trudeau is explicitly reaching out to the Bloc and NDP “progressive parties” (and being very conveniently literal-minded because does anyone think the Bloc is actually progressive? only by comparison with the “Progressive Conservatives” who want to take Canada back…apparently to a time which never existed, which even those nice but repressed Americans on Leave it to Beaver would find punitively puritan) so if the motions fail it’ll be their fault. Shades Tories, ignores Greens entirely. Shaaaaaade but the Greens are so irrelevant now that I don’t even have a square for “Shades Green Party.”

Mark Calls Reporter By Name and Reiterates Border Will Remain Closed. To you germy Yanks, that is. Sorry, Vera, you’re doomed to spend the foreseeable future working in Toronto, like you signed a contract to do like three weeks ago.

Keeping Canadians Safe i think that’s four and another Every Step of the Way which might be five? Lost track. Is it a bingo? And mark your Mask and Maple Leaf Accessory squares and that’s a wrap!

Meanwhile, in Alberta, enjoy your tap water with a side of selenium.

Meanwhile, in Toronto I see they are still New York’s Mini Me.

And for why? Because some people wanted to get together and assert the right of the homeless to exist in public spaces. Because they are the public, remember?

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