The Early Morning (Well, Almost On Time) Covid Briefing Bingo

Is it too early? It’s too early.

A nation cringes!

I’m calling it anyway: regular Wednesday 11:30am Covid briefings until we’re out of this whole “setting record highs in hospital admissions and new cases” mess, which could be March, if then. And of course during this pandemic when is the ONLY standing appointment I have each week? Wednesday, at 11am.

I feel seen.

Nonetheless, I have changed the appointment, because I WILL NOT BE THWARTED GODDAMMIT! I’m too bored. You wouldn’t like me when I’m bored. Hell, most people don’t even like me when I’m fully entertained.

So, come along with me as I attempt to wrest from a federal covid briefing all the entertainment value that may be latent therein, and quite a bit more if my English prof’s notes (“you have over-read this haiku, and I don’t have time to read fourteen pages”) are anything to go by. By which to go. Whatever.

Let’s start with some freshly-made outrage, shall we?

Do you (not) see what I (do not) see?

That’s right: NO MASKS! Shock! Horror! Also, we can’t see the Famous Tattoo from this angle! Call the DailyFail and the NatPoPo! Are we all outraged? Flushed with adrenaline and grasping for our phones? Good, good. My work here is done. Counts as aerobic exercise, people! Probably the most that some of us will get all year.

You see, I then looked at the date and it was 2018. *sad trombone* Doesn’t that seem like ancient history now? It was the Pre-Covidian Age, an era without masks. Masks are to 2022 what fedoras were to 1936. Just don’t tip them; tip your delivery worker!

Also, tips are a way for capitalists to push the burden of fair payment for workers off itself and onto its customers. The only wage should be a living wage.

But where was I before I scrambled to the top of my soapbox (don’t blame me, it’s the only way I can see from the cheap seats!). Right, about to start with the Covid briefing which is, for once, suspiciously almost on time.

Here’s our video:

On Parliament Hill, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau discusses the federal government’s response to the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic and the spread of the Omicron variant. He is joined by federal ministers Jean-Yves Duclos (health), Filomena Tassi (public services and procurement) and Mary Ng (international trade). Responding to questions from reporters, the prime minister comments on Quebec’s announcement that it is considering a financial penalty for residents who refuse to be vaccinated against COVID-19.

Ten thousand views, by the Seven Hours Later point. Impressive, and possibly a record. People are much more engaged with this one than they were with earlier briefings, perhaps because the gravity of the situation, and the degree to which it was preventable all along, is beginning to sink in. Yeah, that’s what passes for optimism in my house at least these days.

And our cards:

Okay, here we go!

Only four minutes late! That’s a record! Mark your Mask and Someone Appears via Video and Begins in French and Grey Suit squares. No more maple leaf mask; we’re now all about the paper masks. Where do they get the black ones, anyway? Soros, probably Soros distributes them at their Antifa Star Chamber meetings. Yup, that’s a real thing.

And Vaccine and Rapid Tests, Pfizer squares. I’ve arbitrarily decided that we’re not putting the squares in quotation marks anymore; it saves me two characters per tweet, people! Thus, language evolves.

I think we have a “do the right thing” square? Mark it twice. Trudeau is pleading with refuseniks and sluggish parents who don’t get their kids vaxed. Refusenik is an old word, but it’s my new favourite one. Other than Donc. Gotta love Donc.

Mark Shout Out to Healthcare Workers. Especially those who have to shovel the damn driveway when they get home, eh?

Mark Got Your Backs and What It Takes As Long As It Takes squares and Hunker Down. Pretty sure we have Hunker Down. Do we need Hunker Down? We sure as hell do, Possums.

Do we have a square for Trudeau Goes Full Cool Dad? Mark it if we do. I wonder how many actual kids are watching this. Mind you, it’s smart for teachers teaching remotely to assign this to their classes, as it allows them to go for a pee break and maybe get a sammich while the kids are all watching the Teacher In Chief explaining that they can be heroes by wearing a mask, social distancing, and all the rest of it. I used to go door-to-door for Greenpeace and lemme tell ya, kids are natural activists. You give them a cause and they become warriors for it! So, it makes sense for Trudeau to get out ahead of the opposition; can’t really see Steve Bannon and Ezra Levant and the rest of them trying to appeal to kids, at least not the ones who aren’t on Reddit.

But where was I? Oh yeah, liveblogging.

I’ll note they extended business supports but not CRB and, despite an 80% mandate from @liberal_party still no UBI.

Harumph!

In other news, that was a pretty flat speech today, direct address to kids notwithstanding. But Trudeau is seeming a bit better than he was last week, where he had visible Day After Booster Syndrome and looked as green as his tie. But there are no great words here to which to bring positive energy. There are only so many times you can say, “Get vaccinated, get boosted, get your kids vaccinated” without a heavy internal sigh. He even recycled the bit from last week about how happy healthcare workers will be to give you a first dose, and that they’d rather give you a first dose than a ventilator. Which, yes, but it’s hard to stay excited about that line for seven consecutive days.

Trudeau Got Vaccinated. Again
Again. And again. And again.

And now, on to the media questions.

Ah, @Mary_ng gives you Building Back Better, and Trudeau gives you Shades Conservatives in spades! You love to see it. Finally, he’s got some energy. Good luck finding sustenance in O’Tooles dessicated jugular.

Meanwhile, Quebec ain’t playing when it comes to refuseniks.

Reporter basically asks “so, logic does not work. Have you thought of trying an ILLOGICAL approach to get people vaccinated?” Well, it’s not the worst approach I’ve heard.

Also, Erectile Dysfunction is a side-effect of the Covid-19 virus.

Trudeau says OToole is more focused on USING the non-vaxers (ie pandering to get their votes) than protecting healthcare workers, and he is not wrong. And excellent word choice there! Mark your pen fiddling square. And Gesticulates. He’s getting so excited, he’s even gesticulating in English! Whoa! That counts as completely out of control in certain parts of Ottawa (the parts he lives in).

Now mark your Drinks Water square and thanks, camera operator with the wide shot. Trudeau is media-savvy enough to do stuff like that when he’s not the focus of the camera, but Camera Op made my job easy, pointing at Duclos while pulling WAAAAAAAAY back to get Trudeau in the shot too. I thank you. My bingo players thank you.

Mark your Sign Language Interpreters Swapped Out.

Question about low booster rate:is it because of low uptake or bad (provincial) distribution process, and will “fully vaxed” be revised to include boosters? And mark Into Arms. Trudeau says they’ll wait to see about re-defining “fully vaxed” which makes sense in a world where we don’t know how many boosters we’ll need.

Eyeroll! Do I have a square for eyeroll? I need one. Mark From The Very Beginning and Pushes Responsibility To Provinces. And now mark Twinkleface. Haven’t had that in almost a literal year!

Mark Fails To Translate Into Other Language. Trudeau’s generally doing well at that, but nobody else seems to bother trying.

Killer Q about reports from American government sources about Trudeau’s personal opposition to supporting whistleblower protection because of the personal scandals around him. Trudeau completely bunts. No answer, basically. But veeeeeeeery interesting question. When the BIDEN government calls you out for failing to protect whistleblowers, you’re on the wrong side of history, my dude.

Another From The Very Beginning, I think that’s four.

I think we have a NATO square, yes? Mark it, and also Shades Putin. Trudeau isn’t afraid of flying lessons, evidently, and he’s Ukraine’s biggest supporter which I’m pretty sure is thanks to Freeland and not just because he likes Chicken Kyiv.

Mark the First Nations square but I can’t remember what I called it. Trudeau’s off the cuff remarks are actually better than his speech today. Again I say he’s damn good at this.

Why is Le Devoir always first on the phone questions? Give it to an independent once in awhile!

Sign language interpreter on the left in the maroon jacket is bringing some attitude to her work and I for one am here for it. Of course, the minute I tweeted that, they swapped her out. Sorry, Maroon Jacket Interpreter!

And Trudeau is out, mark Camera Follows Him Out Of The Room. And Audio Difficulties, as someone’s mic is off.

Answer to vaccination mandate question is “the key word is ‘benevolent’” and assures everyone the government is not going to physically force people to get vaxed. I wish they’d do chyrons on @CPAC_TV because it took me till now to remember Duclos’s name. What can I say? Traumatic brain injury. Now don’t you feel like a shit?

And mark Got Your Backs again. And did I mention there’s an Into Arms square you should mark? We’ve had it three times today. Maybe I should do a whole row of Into Arms in the new card. I’ll have to figure out why my computer fails to start a bit later. Mark From The Very Beginning AND Got Your Backs squares again.

That’s another Every Step of the Way, so I think that’s an actual bingo! Congratulations all who have been playing along! If you’ve got a bingo, please leave a comment below and we’ll get working on delivery of your shiny new NFT of an ape and Kim Kardashian laughing while driving a Lamborghini over a pile of Bitcoin.

Mark Reiterates Border Will Remain Closed (to plague rats). And that’s a wrap!

Meanwhile, in Late-Stage Capitalism:

Yeah, but all that money is held by three guys and the Pentagon.

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