Category Archives: Christmas

Trilogy of Christmas

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Oh, why did I not find this heartwarming seasonal slideshow in time for Christmas last year? Alas, it is too late to make it part of my past traditions, but there’s no reason not to post it now and make viewing it a yearly thing from this point forward. It really sets the perfect tone for the celebration of The Saviour‘s glorious birth, with its joyous celebration of family life, Charlie Brown, seasonally appropriate decorating schemes, and steak knives.

A little background:

Amelia:
(Written by Richard Matheson, based on his short story Prey)

Amelia is a single working woman who lives in a high rise in the big city. She has just arrived home for the day with a gift for a man she’s been seeing…it’s a genuine Zuni hunting fetish doll.

Packaged with the doll is a scroll which reads “he who kills…he is a deadly hunter.” He who kills…he is a deadly hunter…

Naturally, the moral leaning of one’s Zuni fetish doll is an important factor in that whole sleeping-peacefully-at-night-versus-lying-awake-screaming thang, and we at the ol’ raincoaster blog have located a handy-dandy test to determine the evil-ality of your ventriloquist dummy once and for all. Presumably, like a virus scanner that detects attacks on IE but ALSO on email, it will also determine the malevolentosity of your Zuni Fetish or Tiki doll as well. At least, we’ve found no reports to the contrary.

From the Tiki Central Forums:

1.Make a large, roaring fire.

2.Within earshot of the doll say “Well, I think it’s about time I get rid of this ventriloquist doll … it’s not doing me any good no more”.

3.Pick up the doll and say “I think this will burn up real good in the fire”

4.Walk towards the fire.

5.Make like you’re going to throw the doll into the fire on the count of 3.

At this point, if your doll is evil, you’ll feel a bite on your arm, or a punch, or some other violent reaction. The doll will try to get out of your grasp, and, if successful, will run away, most likely with an evil cackle out of it’s smiling mouth. Be careful … he’s not fleeing from you; he’s only looking for a place to hide in order to attack you later.

If nothing happens, your doll is probably not evil. You now have 2 choices: Throw it into the fire anyway, or put it away. Warning: If you do not throw the doll in the fire, it is suggested that you take a knife with you to bed. It’s possible the doll IS evil but knew you were testing it, and is waiting for you to go to sleep before attempting to strangle you.

~Hanford

Tiki Socialite purple jade, however, raises a disturbing point.

This is a moot argument…everyone knows all ventriloquist’s dummies are evil, as are their cousins, clowns.

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grooming aids of the Elder Gods

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The “Dark Horse” Christmas present. You know the one: the one that looks like the throwaway afterthought, purchased hastily at the last minute, perhaps grabbed from the “Under $5” bin in front of the lineup for the cashier. The cheap potpourri. The tiny stuffed animal. The itty-bitty flashlight keychain.

Which promptly becomes the Present of the Year, for no reason which could have been predicted.

Many a mother, upon receiving a boring set of pots and pans, has realized later that they are the delight of her obviously Charlie Watts-inspired offspring, as they ignore their expensive video games and limited edition books to bash happily on the bottoms of the Le Crueset. Many a father has realized that, however much the young ‘uns like their new Playskool Mixmaster DJ Phunk set, they prefer to use the box to slide down the front steps in.

And so it is even with us adults.

This year, as explained, I got quite a haul. The presents were many; the presents were varied. As always, the presents were welcome.

But one stood out, even among such rarified company as two Squid tees, DKNY Red, and an MP3 player .

The Soap of Cthulhu.

Cthulhu Soap

Incidentally, Margarita glasses make excellent soap dishes for bachelorette pads.

This soap, this soap is truly astonishing. It never shrinks, seeming instead to expand with every wetting. Perhaps it is immortal. Pastel olive green itself (with a purple sheen, as you can see from the photo) when moistened it gives off a thick, dark green slime, the dregs of which can be seen all around the edges of the glass. I believe that, when my back is turned, these shoggoth-like agglomerations of soapitude actually creep. Its scent is a cross between pencil erasers and lardons, with a faint whiff of the polluted sea.

Thanks must go to Metro and Mistress Cowfish, who knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that this soap, designed for very specialized tastes indeed, had my name all over it.

In slime.

Tekeli-li! Tekeli-li!

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Christmas: it ain’t over till the fat lady uses up the last of her Sears Gift Card!

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Alas, that would be me, the fat lady. I usually have curves, but the past couple of years I’ve gotten rolls instead. Not what I’d call a fair trade, but then, I could get off my plushly-upholstered butt and get some exercise, yes? Speaking of which…

I’m not sure if the Cybergypsy intends it to be a Christmas present, but I can see the stationary bicycle that was in the garage is now out on the patio; the unfortunate thing is, unless I remember to buy a tarp, it will simply rust there, same as everything. I know he has no intention of using it, that’s for sure. Unfortunately, until he gets his own space, there’s not enough room in the apartment to put it in here; well, not and use the bathroom.

I could use the patio. It’s a Chinese building: I’d hardly be the first. We really should give new members a user’s guide that includes the words “just because it has a drain doesn’t mean it’s a bathroom.” Urk.

In any case, the Christmas haul now includes a pressie I bought for myself, one upon which I have had my beady little eye-stalks for some time. This:

Sacred heart of cthulhu!

Yes, it is the famous Sacred Heart of Cthulhu tee, about my longing for which I have previously blogged. It was, of course and naturellement for this is the way the Universe works, in strange ways, particularly relating to me and Cthulhu-themed casual wear, the only thing in the store not on sale, but a sigh, a wistful “oh, I guess it’s not on sale?” and a twisting of coppery-blonde locks resulted in a meagre 10% markdown. What the hell, I was going to buy it come Nodens or Ragnarok. At my age the mere idea that hair-twirling could cause a twentysomething salesboy to give me 10% off is itself worth 90% of retail.

This was, of course, purchased with the complete aggregate of all my Christmas money, leaving me just enough to pay my bills and live off CG’s food for the next week or so. At least I’ll lose weight: right now, he’s soaking some seaweed that looks like sheets of green, striated rubber. It is his intention to use these sheets to make nutburger buns… although if the final product isn’t a helluva lot more appealing than the ingredients you’d have to be a nutburger to put the damn things anywhere near your mouth.

As well, I got a deck of trick cards, two books on true crime (one a how-to), one book about death, a squid tee, a bottle of perfume (a public service as much as a gift, and thank GOD; if my perfume level drops below a certain point, the scent of fish becomes overpowering and you may make of that what you will), one book about health, one book about snobbery, an MP3 player, a Sears gift card, an AT&T card which I hope I can use in Canada but am not sure, and three restaurant gift cards. So I will be fat, fragrant, and funky.

So, no change.

I also got lei’d, but that’s another story.

And, as I am a known Christmas nut, I am determined to keep the holiday going until the last of the gift cards has been drained dry. If I find myself at Milestone’s in the middle of June spending a few Christmas bucks, you’ll find me requesting the calamari with a side of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.”

Giant Squid Tee

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raincoaster. flake.

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Flake
I believe this model to be suitably tentactular-spectacular enough to represent the ol’ raincoaster blog. You can make your own over at Make-A-Flake.

en vacances

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Fresh new content coming, just as soon as I run out of eggnog. And beer. And wine. And vodka (although thanks to my offer to mix everyone cocktails, that particular horizon is in sight).

I got my Christmas wishes: snow, a pony, an opportunity to snowshoe, an offer of a free surfing lesson, and home-made plum pudding with brandy butter. What did you get?