Steve Jobs = Cthulhu

Steve Jobs wants you to sample his waresNo, it’s true.


It makes total sense.

It explains so much.

Think about it.

Once, ages ago, a race of bizarre, loathesome creatures ruled the Earth. Writhing and gibbering in the Stygian darkness of their lair, ravening for the blood of those who worshipped them, this strangely Protean race nearly destroyed the youthful planet in its ceaseless quest to slake their endless thirst for the very souls of the damned.

They were the Great Old Ones. Eventually, they were banished; we can only pray that they never return to debase the race of humans again in horrific slavery and unthinkable perversion.

And in this pantheon, one monstrosity reigned supreme.

Great Cthulhu.

Right now, everyone reading is thinking “You’re wrong. These guys look nothing alike.” Of course not, his true identity is obfuscated by the best possible disguise known to man: Ugly glasses. Ugly glasses, made even more opaque by parting his strangely masculine hair differently. If Cthulhu had glasses and parted to the left, these would be virtually identical, right down to the AppleStore he’s crawling out of. Think I’m lying? Take another look.

That may just be the smartest, most dangerous thing I’ve ever read on LiveJournal. But there’s more.

So. Much. More.

Check it out:

Cthulhu: imprisoned in his tomb in Rlyeh, not dead but dreaming.
Jobs: Next.

Cthulhu: The Necronomicon
Jobs: Ayn Rand, The I Ching

Cthulhu: Politics
Jobs: Politics and more Politics

Cthulhu: something of a personnel-retention issue
Jobs: upon regaining freedom, destroys his innocent rescuers

Cthulhu: Lolthulhu
Jobs: Fake Steve Jobs

Cthulhu: advanced wireless telecommunication technology
Jobs: iPhone

Think about it.

Even Cthulhu faces a challenge with this one

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28 thoughts on “Steve Jobs = Cthulhu

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  3. Tea, biscuts, and SANITY SHREDDING HORROR! Oooo…could I have another wedge of lemmon for my tea? Stellar.

    On a seperate note, is it insensative to joke about his health? I mean I’d feel pretty bad about saying something like, “Jobs has announced Apples latest product, iChemo. Consumer Reports states it’ll only work on Apple-branded iNeoplasm though.” I’d feel pretty bad if I posted something like that.

  4. It’s not insensitive. Jobs himself lowered the bar for sensitivity so low an ant can’t limbo under it, so smack away.

    FYI this post is one of the top ones on Google today, because everyone likes to look at young, pretty Steve. Or, NO IT IS BECAUSE IT’S SUCH A GREAT POST, RIGHT? RIGHT?

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  7. You know where they say Gates got the name “Microsoft” eh?

    BTW am uncontrollably excited that recent pix show Steve isn’t wearing his wedding band. He wants me. You can just tell.

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  9. i googled cthulhu and you were the first result. i absolutely agree about the glasses and the hair; its honestly stupid that more people don’t recognize cthulhu for who he is. he needs to make a big public scene to remind people what sanity damage REALLY feels like :D

  10. Ehrm..
    You Do know he is not wearing any glasses on the picture you have for this article right..?

    Other than that, it all seems pretty reasonable.


    Who needs to look at pages with Flash anyway.

    Apple – Showing the customer who’s boss since 1976.

  11. And YOU, apparently, don’t know what a block quote signifies. I’ll spell it out: that little white box with the text you’re talking about? It means that I took that text from somewhere else. It’s a quote. If you look at the site on which the quote originated (which is linked) you will see a picture of Steve Jobs wearing glasses.

    Happy to help a slow learner any day.

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