Steve Jobs’s Afterlife

In the current state of affairs, there is obviously one question and one question only that must be on the minds of all the most intelligent citizens of the world, be they in Ponape or Rhode Island.

Or even Cupertino.

If, indeed, Steve Jobs is/was/will be the unspeakable Elder God Cthulhu, what’s his next move?

At last, we have our answer. And it is GLORIOUS!

Cthulhu vs Thomas Kinkade

Cthulhu vs Thomas Kinkade: there's an app for that

From Gawker commenter Sugarfly McQueen:

His earthly techno-geek duties finally at an end, He’s been called to fulfill a greater purpose: destroying Thomas Kinkade pictures from the inside out.

Somewhere, Steve is chuckling. And rolling up his sleeves.

Steve Jobs ponders his next sexxxy move

Steve Jobs ponders his next sexxxy move


Serenata Guest House Bed. Entirely Viggo-worthy

Serenata Guest House Bed. Entirely Viggo-worthy

Now, you may not know this about me. I don’t know what you know about me, other than, you know, the obvious: has tentacles, worships Cthulhu, lives in dungeon, keeps human slaves (remember the Versace Twins?), enjoys torturing Jezebel readers and cancer fakers. Everybody knows that stuff.

But what you may not know is just exactly what kind of a housekeeper I am.

Let me put it this way: while nobody has actually fainted, several people have screamed. The Christmas wreath is still on my front door, quietly gathering dust  just as it has been since Christmas 2005. At least I finally took the tree down, and any day now I may wash some dishes. You never know.

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers

In any case, I have been known to make my bed up with cotton saris when all my sheets are in the laundry, which does make for a colourful little nest if not exactly (as I found out one warm and sweaty night) colourfast. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is entirely possible to go to bed stone cold sober and wake up paisley.

So, you can imagine that my apartment is not fit for company more often than perhaps once a millennium and that shortly before I move in. Indeed, the squalor is such that even in my daydreams my fantasy lovers and I always go back to their place (and let me just say that Steve Jobs has a lovely houseboat in an isolated cove about a ten minute walk and short flight of ancient stone steps from my house…) but where was I? Right, bitching about my own housekeeping on the blog instead of, you know, keeping house. Well, I keep it; I just keep it in squalor, that’s all.

In any case, however it may be, verily it was said unto them, that last month when I was up in Penticton speaking at the EatDrinkTweet social media for winemakers conference (two words, people: GOODY BAG!) the lovely and fragrant Allison Markin arranged for me to stay at the Serenata Guesthouse, and finally finally I slept in a bed that was suitable for my dream lovers. Silk and cotton with a thread count higher than I can count (without taking off my shoes, that is), with bolsters and pillows and shams and actuals and feathers in everything. I could easily have stayed there the entire weekend, particularly because I stayed up till 4am every night and as I may have mentioned, there was wine involved.

And then I got my friend Rebecca Coleman to immortalize it in the above, so that I can refresh my memory when I imagine myself taking my dream lovers home in the future. It’s so important to furnish one’s imagination well, don’t you think?

iPad news: Yes, it will blend

As if there was ever any doubt.

Cringe, fanboys, in naked horror before the awesome power of the Blendtec blender as it pulverizes the holy Pad of glory.

As you can see, the first challenge is getting it to fit in the blender. After that, it’s just a matter of RPMs over APIs.

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The Lord of the Ring

Steve Jobs, Ringmaster

Steve Jobs, Ringmaster

Today in My Imaginary Boyfriend News (well, actually last week in My Imaginary Boyfriend News, but things are always complicated chez Operation Global Media Domination HQ) Gawker reports that Steve Jobs made his stage appearance at … who gives a rat’s ass what it was, like I can afford anything he previewed anyway!

At something…

Without his wedding ring.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, quibble if you must; deny; harangue; make ridiculous claims like “he’s lost a  lot of weight and probably just took it to get re-sized”. Tell yourself whatever lies you need to let you sleep at night.


At last, I’m one step closer to getting a free Macbook!

Operation Global Media Domination: The Steve Jobs and Longhorse Situation

First of all: Steve Jobs is not dead.

Second: Bloomberg posted, then pulled, his obituary today, Gawker picked up on it, posted about it, and into the comments thread on that post I dropped a link to my over Steve Jobs’s dead body post, which has subsequently rocketed to the top of the stats page off of that third-hand high. This has, in turn, lifted the Steve Jobs=Cthulhu post to near the top of the Top Posts, as Steve Jobs surfers see the name in the sidebar and click. And a fine post it is, too (36 painstakingly collected links if I recall correctly)

Third: for no reason I can determine, the Longhorse post is suddenly getting a lot of attention, which suits me perfectly, as I consider it one of my best. And you will, too, once you’ve read it.