Category Archives: Women

This is a dermaroller. Not sure if the Spanish Inquisition had them.

The Terrifying Self-Care Experiment Begins!

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Blame Trinny Woodall.

This is a dermaroller. Not sure if the Spanish Inquisition had them.

This is a dermaroller. Not sure if the Spanish Inquisition had them.

This terrifying little object is called a dermaroller. Of course, as with any criminal, it has an alias: microneedler. What does it do? It needles you, microscopically. You roll it across your epidermis. God, I love honest, descriptive names. This particular one is plastic with titanium needles, the smallest size, 0.25mm needles, so it doesn’t really penetrate into the skin very far, so hopefully I won’t end up with a Kardashian-like face full of blood. They go up to 1mm, which should only be used on the body, never the face: I bought a full set, 0.25, 0.5, and 1, but it’s doubtful I’ll ever use the other two, since I’m so thin-skinned you can see all the veins through my hide, and my legs look like a map of the London tube. Oh, and if you’re into such things, this is made of metal wheels, not individual needles. If the goal is to irritate my skin, a wheel should work better than needles anyway, and it’s about $50 cheaper too.

The concept is, you irritate your face and the cells scream for help, and the body responds by making and giving those cells new collagen, which has a magical youthifying effect, the way you shut up a screaming child by popping a bunch of popcorn and stuffing it down their throats.

What, you don’t do that?

Anyhoodle, in addition to building collagen to fight middle-aged sag and wrinkling, the tiny holes also work as conduits for anything you put ON your skin, which is why it’s so important that both your skin and your needles be completely clean before you start. Some tough people put something on their skin beforehand so the needle pushes it into the skin, even skin peeling agents like glycolic acid, which to me just seems deranged.

So tonight, after all my work was done and all my facebook fights were over, I put on some junky reality tv and cleaned my face, doused my microneedle with alcohol to sterilize it, waved it around for ten minutes until it was completely dry and clean, and then went to work.

Ten strokes in one direction, ten at right angles to that. All over the face, then repeat at a 45 degree angle. You’re not supposed to push on it, thank god, because the idea of actively pushing needles into my face is not something I could ever be super-psyched about. Then, after was done, I looked in the bathroom mirror.

I’ll spare you the 3am selfie in the filthy mirror (not mine), but trust me, it wasn’t pretty. I looked like I had a bad sunburn, and yes, there were a couple of red dots, very, very tiny red dots.

Nonetheless, she persisted.

I started with the serum, in this case The Ordinary serum called The Buffet, which is designed for people who can’t make up their minds, or just want everything in one serum, because by god, it has everything. It stung a bit, which is the lactic acid in it I suppose. Normally, it makes me a bit red, so tonight I should be incandescently red. Then, over that I put the Garnier night cream, Ultra-Lift Miracle Sleeping Cream, which certainly SOUNDS like it does something. It’s very soothing, I’ll say that for it.

This is a jade roller, but it's really only jadeite. Whaddaya expect for less than twenty bucks?

This is a jade roller, but it’s really only jadeite. Whaddaya expect for less than twenty bucks?

Then I took this device, a so-called jade roller, which is really a jadeITE roller, and rolled it back and forth the same as I’d rolled the dermaroller, but because it’s cool stone over rich lotion, it’s very soothing. This all done, I’m done for the night and will report back in the morning, god help me.

 

Is that a Little Red Book in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

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Just your typical Marxist-Leninist anti-revisionist woman

Just your typical Marxist-Leninist anti-revisionist woman

Happy May Day, Comrades!

I hope you all had a fabulous day sharing the fruits of your labour, throwing off the yoke of the capitalist oppressors, and getting your political freak on. We can all take a lesson from this young Comrade from the Cascadian city of San Francisco. When it comes to sharing the fruits of her loins (do girls have loins? not sure) with deserving and pure-hearted Comrades, she eschews the profit-ridden sex marketing machine known as Online Dating Sites and instead goes with a free listing on the website from Comrade Craig. If you’re inspired to answer her posting, please remember it’s not the size. It’s from each according to his ability.

Ready for kinky fun? – w4m – 23 (San Francisco)

age : 23 body : average height : 5’7″ (170cm) ethnicity : White politics : Marxist-Leninist status : single

I am an attractive Marxist-Leninist anti-revisionist woman who is totally dedicated to the building of a revolutionary cadre party to overthrow capitalism and imperialism. But I have a sexy side for which I would probably be denounced by my comrades if they knew about it. I am looking for a degenerate Trotskyite, anarchist, or a member of the revisionist Communist Party who accepts the concept of peaceful coexistence to put me in my place. Tie me up and recite passages from The Revolution Betrayed by the social-fascist Trotsky. Slap me around and call me an evil Stalinist. Make me get on my knees and accept your left-deviationist cock. I love petit-bourgeois intellectuals the most, because then it gets a little Fifty Shades of Red for me. This is all NSA and drama free.

See my details below. I am DDF. Normally I don’t do drugs because they are a symptom of a crumbling bourgeois society, but I am 420 friendly when it comes to this because I want to be corrupted by a hot ultra-leftist pot smoking degenerate pervert. I am so horny just thinking about it. Please no Maoists. And if you have only read the Communist Manifesto, no. I am not into FDCKs.

Spread them like you would class consciousness

Spread them like you would class consciousness

Easy Riders

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Why do sexists get a bum rap?

Why do sexists get a bum rap?

This is the kind of marketing we can all get behind.

MotoCorsa a Ducati dealership in Portland shot an entire series of stereotypical “hot girl with bike” shots with a red bike, releasing the portfolio as “seDucative” which, ha ha. Then they did the same shots, using men who worked at the shop as models. God only knows where they found a tube top that size, but they did.

It’s the details that make the shoot, like the fact that they called this “Manigale” in reference to the Ducati 1199 Panigale. And that they gave the guys 11/4″ heels instead of the 4″ ones the female model is wearing. Well, presumably if you work in a motorcycle shop you need to use your legs for something other than posing, and a charleyhorse could be a career-blocking impediment to a day spent…I dunno, chatting up Ben Affleck?

You can see the whole series at AsphaltAndRubber.

Hot Dog Legs has Legs

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Octodogs are eight times as hawt

Octodogs are eight times as hawt

What does it take to create a Tumblr that’s destined to go viral? Apparently it takes either: a) a Snooki-brown tan, a modicum of body oil, a good waxer, and an absence of visible musculature OR b) meat by-products.

Insert post-feminist joke here.

Hot Dog Legs is the very latest in one-joke virality, the new star in the firmament which already contains Jay Z’s 99 problems and exploding actresses, among many, many others. Hey, it’s Summer, don’t over-think things!

This Tumblr doesn’t even have any words to process, so there’s no risk of brain overheating. The concept is simple: photograph after photograph of the “same” thing. Are they hot dogs, or are they legs? Is that self-tanner or natural? Are those smokies or cheddar-stuffed? What does this say about the objectification of women and the human beings as meat metaphor? I don’t know, pass me another Margarita.

There is, it must be said, something about these photos that brings to mind cheap sunglasses, menthol cigarettes, and calories ingested in liquid form.

The post-literate simplicity of the site has not interfered with its popularity (to continue with the Snooki comparison). Their Facebook fan page was created less than a month ago, on July 28, and still has 3,186 Likes. The page’s own Likes include Gawker media, Sausages, 7-11, and the infamous, and apparently horsemeat-containing Ikea hot dog.

A few notes for aspiring legs and hot dogs: corn dogs will never work, because ain’t nobody got a complexion that bad. An even tan is essential, as is skin thick enough that the veins don’t show through. Don’t even think about trying this if you haven’t shaved or waxed recently, even if you’re blonde. There will be zero crossover between this blog and, say, FuckYeahHairyLegs, although the respective models might be interested in exchanging phone numbers.

WikiLeaks: the personal care product line

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Julian Assange protect the truth condom line

Julian Assange protect the truth condom line available soon at a store near you!

So, one evening I was hanging on Twitter with hacktivists and freedom fighters from around the world (as one does) when one of them came up with a brilliant plan. Not only will it garner huge media coverage for its salacious possibilities, but it will raise money for WikiLeaks and Assange‘s lawyers at the same time as contributing in a very direct way to making the world a cleaner, more attractive place.

Thanks to @Treisiroon for collating them all, and @SeasangJ, @Pandymonium01 and @AssangeC for playing along. Your cheques are in the mail. As for the rest of you, put your suggestions in the comments section.

And yes, I DO know I’m opening this up for trolls.

Announcing WikiLeaks personal care products!

Contradiction fragrance, a woman’s perogative.

Clean as a Whistleblower soap.

Mendax fragrance, the scent of danger.

Mendax fragrance, nobly untruthful.

Mendax fragrance, From Melbourne to Nairobi, Cambodia to London, The Truth Will Set You Free.

Mendax cologne- because you pwn it.

Mendax cologne… awesome audaciousness.

Mendax cologne, The Scent of Freedom.

Mendax cologne, Get A Whiff of the Truth.

Mendax Gentleman’s overnight bag slash travellers case.

Mendax condom for all night lulz. [hmmm, I foresee difficulty marketing a condom which causes one or one’s partner to collapse in fits of laughter. Or is that just me?] specially treated so no DNA remains ….”Swedish tear test approved DS9001.”

Mendax condoms, because he knows he’ll need it.

Mendax condoms, love the audacity.

Mendax: Dare to Wear it! [unsure whether this refers to condom or cologne, so suggest gift packs containing both, just in time for the holiday season]

Julian, transparent masculinity. [I rather think this is a condom as well. Either that or some kind of macho wrestling body oil]

Redacted deodorant, because not everything should be shared.

Asylum fragrance, too hot to handle.

Silver Fox haircare. [can we get Anderson Cooper as a spokesmodel?]

Oh, the possibilities are endless. Thanks to all who participated in this crowd-sourced effort to diversify WikiLeaks. Remember, united we stand, diversified we profit!