This is a dermaroller. Not sure if the Spanish Inquisition had them.

The Terrifying Self-Care Experiment Begins!

Blame Trinny Woodall.

This is a dermaroller. Not sure if the Spanish Inquisition had them.

This is a dermaroller. Not sure if the Spanish Inquisition had them.

This terrifying little object is called a dermaroller. Of course, as with any criminal, it has an alias: microneedler. What does it do? It needles you, microscopically. You roll it across your epidermis. God, I love honest, descriptive names. This particular one is plastic with titanium needles, the smallest size, 0.25mm needles, so it doesn’t really penetrate into the skin very far, so hopefully I won’t end up with a Kardashian-like face full of blood. They go up to 1mm, which should only be used on the body, never the face: I bought a full set, 0.25, 0.5, and 1, but it’s doubtful I’ll ever use the other two, since I’m so thin-skinned you can see all the veins through my hide, and my legs look like a map of the London tube. Oh, and if you’re into such things, this is made of metal wheels, not individual needles. If the goal is to irritate my skin, a wheel should work better than needles anyway, and it’s about $50 cheaper too.

The concept is, you irritate your face and the cells scream for help, and the body responds by making and giving those cells new collagen, which has a magical youthifying effect, the way you shut up a screaming child by popping a bunch of popcorn and stuffing it down their throats.

What, you don’t do that?

Anyhoodle, in addition to building collagen to fight middle-aged sag and wrinkling, the tiny holes also work as conduits for anything you put ON your skin, which is why it’s so important that both your skin and your needles be completely clean before you start. Some tough people put something on their skin beforehand so the needle pushes it into the skin, even skin peeling agents like glycolic acid, which to me just seems deranged.

So tonight, after all my work was done and all my facebook fights were over, I put on some junky reality tv and cleaned my face, doused my microneedle with alcohol to sterilize it, waved it around for ten minutes until it was completely dry and clean, and then went to work.

Ten strokes in one direction, ten at right angles to that. All over the face, then repeat at a 45 degree angle. You’re not supposed to push on it, thank god, because the idea of actively pushing needles into my face is not something I could ever be super-psyched about. Then, after was done, I looked in the bathroom mirror.

I’ll spare you the 3am selfie in the filthy mirror (not mine), but trust me, it wasn’t pretty. I looked like I had a bad sunburn, and yes, there were a couple of red dots, very, very tiny red dots.

Nonetheless, she persisted.

I started with the serum, in this case The Ordinary serum called The Buffet, which is designed for people who can’t make up their minds, or just want everything in one serum, because by god, it has everything. It stung a bit, which is the lactic acid in it I suppose. Normally, it makes me a bit red, so tonight I should be incandescently red. Then, over that I put the Garnier night cream, Ultra-Lift Miracle Sleeping Cream, which certainly SOUNDS like it does something. It’s very soothing, I’ll say that for it.

This is a jade roller, but it's really only jadeite. Whaddaya expect for less than twenty bucks?

This is a jade roller, but it’s really only jadeite. Whaddaya expect for less than twenty bucks?

Then I took this device, a so-called jade roller, which is really a jadeITE roller, and rolled it back and forth the same as I’d rolled the dermaroller, but because it’s cool stone over rich lotion, it’s very soothing. This all done, I’m done for the night and will report back in the morning, god help me.

 

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Here’s thirty seconds of horror or, seen from another angle, thirty seconds of complete self-fulfillment

Which is why I’m not a relativist.

Supervenus is an entry in the 17th Brussels Short Film Festival, and I don’t know how it did but as far as I’m concerned it should Win All The Things.

Hair Now

This post is an update to The Shape of Things To Come, on which we are making steady but (very) slow progress. Although not that “coming” part lately. MOVING ON!

Purple Reign

Purple Reign

So this is what I’ve decided on in terms of hair colour. Given that my hair is coming in a nice streaky silver/steel at the roots, and I’ve been a blonde since I was born (with a two year hiatus for Strawberrycoaster) it seems like a refreshing change. And the colours now are not quite as permanent as they were. I already own eight hundred items of grey clothing, so what the hell. I figure if I get it done at the Aveda school, somebody with training is supervising them and I can probably almost afford it. Also, when it grows in, the silver roots will work well with the existing lilac, although I may want to streak some semipermanent colours up into the grey so it doesn’t have as sharp a demarcation line. Victoria Potter at Demicouture recommended Aveda, and numerous friends recommended Manic Panic, so between the two of them I should be covered for the next, enpurpled phase of my life. This is the first time I’ve had enough grey to rock it as opposed to having it just dilute the natural blonde, so I might as well REALLY rock it, no?

UPDATE:

Edited to add that I think this colour goes very well with my new name from the Benedict Cumberbatch name generator: Boobytrap Covergirl. Yes, Boobytrap Covergirl. TOP THAT! Total Hippie Occupy Bond Girl name.

Purplepunzel

Purplepunzel

Hot Dog Legs has Legs

Octodogs are eight times as hawt

Octodogs are eight times as hawt

What does it take to create a Tumblr that’s destined to go viral? Apparently it takes either: a) a Snooki-brown tan, a modicum of body oil, a good waxer, and an absence of visible musculature OR b) meat by-products.

Insert post-feminist joke here.

Hot Dog Legs is the very latest in one-joke virality, the new star in the firmament which already contains Jay Z’s 99 problems and exploding actresses, among many, many others. Hey, it’s Summer, don’t over-think things!

This Tumblr doesn’t even have any words to process, so there’s no risk of brain overheating. The concept is simple: photograph after photograph of the “same” thing. Are they hot dogs, or are they legs? Is that self-tanner or natural? Are those smokies or cheddar-stuffed? What does this say about the objectification of women and the human beings as meat metaphor? I don’t know, pass me another Margarita.

There is, it must be said, something about these photos that brings to mind cheap sunglasses, menthol cigarettes, and calories ingested in liquid form.

The post-literate simplicity of the site has not interfered with its popularity (to continue with the Snooki comparison). Their Facebook fan page was created less than a month ago, on July 28, and still has 3,186 Likes. The page’s own Likes include Gawker media, Sausages, 7-11, and the infamous, and apparently horsemeat-containing Ikea hot dog.

A few notes for aspiring legs and hot dogs: corn dogs will never work, because ain’t nobody got a complexion that bad. An even tan is essential, as is skin thick enough that the veins don’t show through. Don’t even think about trying this if you haven’t shaved or waxed recently, even if you’re blonde. There will be zero crossover between this blog and, say, FuckYeahHairyLegs, although the respective models might be interested in exchanging phone numbers.

WikiLeaks: the personal care product line

Julian Assange protect the truth condom line

Julian Assange protect the truth condom line available soon at a store near you!

So, one evening I was hanging on Twitter with hacktivists and freedom fighters from around the world (as one does) when one of them came up with a brilliant plan. Not only will it garner huge media coverage for its salacious possibilities, but it will raise money for WikiLeaks and Assange‘s lawyers at the same time as contributing in a very direct way to making the world a cleaner, more attractive place.

Thanks to @Treisiroon for collating them all, and @SeasangJ, @Pandymonium01 and @AssangeC for playing along. Your cheques are in the mail. As for the rest of you, put your suggestions in the comments section.

And yes, I DO know I’m opening this up for trolls.

Announcing WikiLeaks personal care products!

Contradiction fragrance, a woman’s perogative.

Clean as a Whistleblower soap.

Mendax fragrance, the scent of danger.

Mendax fragrance, nobly untruthful.

Mendax fragrance, From Melbourne to Nairobi, Cambodia to London, The Truth Will Set You Free.

Mendax cologne- because you pwn it.

Mendax cologne… awesome audaciousness.

Mendax cologne, The Scent of Freedom.

Mendax cologne, Get A Whiff of the Truth.

Mendax Gentleman’s overnight bag slash travellers case.

Mendax condom for all night lulz. [hmmm, I foresee difficulty marketing a condom which causes one or one’s partner to collapse in fits of laughter. Or is that just me?] specially treated so no DNA remains ….”Swedish tear test approved DS9001.”

Mendax condoms, because he knows he’ll need it.

Mendax condoms, love the audacity.

Mendax: Dare to Wear it! [unsure whether this refers to condom or cologne, so suggest gift packs containing both, just in time for the holiday season]

Julian, transparent masculinity. [I rather think this is a condom as well. Either that or some kind of macho wrestling body oil]

Redacted deodorant, because not everything should be shared.

Asylum fragrance, too hot to handle.

Silver Fox haircare. [can we get Anderson Cooper as a spokesmodel?]

Oh, the possibilities are endless. Thanks to all who participated in this crowd-sourced effort to diversify WikiLeaks. Remember, united we stand, diversified we profit!