Category Archives: Culture

The Cursive Covid Briefing Bingo

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Space may be flat, but there’s no reason our politics should be, possums. Welcome to today’s slightly off-centre, possibly infinite, arguably curved Covid-19 Briefing Bingo aka The Zoolander Show, coming to you live from yet another anonymous briefing room somewhere in downtown Ottawa.

I am told by the Prime Minister’s website that we are at:

Room 200
Sir John A. Macdonald Building
144 Wellington Street

Although he, apparently, is not.

Whyyyyyyyy does the Canadian government love QR codes so much? Are they stuck in 2011 forever? They’ve got them prominently displayed on the backs of chairs at the briefing, but they’re out of focus so none of the viewers can click on them.

Meanwhile, on Twitter things are getting interesting. wHaT cOuLd PoSsiBly gO WrOnG?

Is Doug Ford’s final form a toxin? Yeah, why should it be any different, eh?

513 watching the CPAC video, because by now everyone knows he’s always late.

And your bingo cards are here and yes, I forgot to get you a new one. The old ones are still plenty relevant, as I was reminded at 3am last night when I got into an argument about Uighurs on Twitter (they’ve been A Thing at these briefings for months, possums, it’s not like Trudeau has shied away from discussing the issue). But oh yes, we were talking about the cards:

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The Naked Covid Briefing Bingo

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Slept in, no time for elaborate framing devices today. We’re going in raw!

Reporters are laughing; that’s not always a good thing, depending on your perspective, so mark your “Drama is happening offstage” square. We are a dark people.

Here’s our video, not officially a comedy.

Ah, dammit, forgot the Bingo cards:

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The Septem Annorum Covidian Philosopher’s Briefing Bingo

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Today’s briefing is brought to you by this seven year old Covidian philosopher.

Kid has spoken for all of us, hasn’t he?

We’re standing around, all 320 of us watching the CPAC video, waiting for Trudeau who is late for the briefing at his own house, from the glamorous location known as Front Yard. Even the sign language interpreters are waiting. Well, I’m sitting in my usual chair, having lost the struggle with The Roommate for control f the tv, so this briefing will be done by flipping back and forth between tabs on the computer. If I miss a “Gesticulates” or a “Drinks water” or whatever, let me know in the comments.

And somehow I am not yet an accredited member of the parliamentary press gallery; may have something to do with not having applied, and yet one suspects that my odds are the same whether I do apply or not. Ain’t nobody replying to my emailed questions to the PMO. I might have to actually…phone.

*shudders*

i’M a ReAl rEpOrTeR dAmMiT!

And now, our video:

Ah, dammit, forgot the Bingo cards:

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Feeling liminal, might FA&FO later

A Brief, Liminal Covid Briefing Bingo

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Because we didn’t have time to set up an elaborate framing device. If we had, we’d have used this one.

#Metaphor

Or this:

#SameMetaphorReally

I’m beginning to think that, as 2020 was like being in the boat in Life of Pi, 2021 is just liminal space.

Our video, which has a shockingly low 668 views so far. NOBODY is feeling it today, not even Justin Trudeau:

Okay, here we go. Squares: Outdoors, Outerwear, Rideau Hall, Begins in French, Gloves, Scarf. And Vaccine.

Oh right, you need your bingo cards:

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The Covid Briefing Bingo: A Reconstruction

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Good morning, possums! We’re here, we’re caffeinated, and we’re doing this!

Basically the core elements of existentialism. Don’t ask too many questions (another core element). Existentialism is a Whole Mood, very 2021 indeed.

A wise friend of mine said that, in taking on and taking down Wall Street and Big Money, Reddit was at last fulfilling the dream of its founder, the late Aaron Swartz. Swartz killed himself when the government threatened him with decades in custody for attempting to put some academic papers online for free.

I don’t even know who I am anymore now that I’m not a cybersecurity journalist and I’m not the Governor-General of Canada.

Yet.

Our video is here, with 1700 tuned in live. Fridays are always busy at Rideau Cottage:

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau provides an update from outside his home in Ottawa on the federal government’s response to the ongoing COVID-19 (coronavirus disease) pandemic.

I see CPAC Captioneer is feeling Existentialist himself. Without faith in history or the future, their captions are meaningless, and without the incentive of being paid by the word there is no reason to fill them out to 150 words, the way they did mere weeks ago. It’s okay, CPAC Captioneer. We’re all half-assing it these days except Justin Trudeau, who is coasting on the adrenaline that’s sustained him through the Trump years and the oxytocin glow of the Joe Biden inauguration.

Edited to add: I guess CPAC doesn’t get a copy of the speech in advance, because only after the fact do they fully-ass the captions:

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau provides an update from outside his home in Ottawa on the federal government’s response to the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic. He announces tighter travel restrictions aimed at curbing the spread of the coronavirus. Air Canada, WestJet, Sunwing and Air Transat have agreed to suspend air services to all Caribbean destinations and Mexico starting January 31 until April 30. In addition, starting next week, international flights will only be allowed to land at Toronto, Montreal, Vancouver and Calgary. The prime minister also announces that the federal government will soon introduce mandatory in-airport PCR testing for returning travellers, who must await their results at an approved hotel for up to three days at their own expense. Mandatory COVID-19 testing at U.S. land borders will also be coming for non-essential travellers.

Zoolander is feeling alive and existential

And our cards are here:

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