The Shape of Things to Come

Mylene Farmer could never be called modest

Mylene Farmer could never be called modest, but if YOU looked like that, would YOU be?

Followers of the ol’ raincoastersphere, specifically, will be aware that I recently did a 48-hour hunger strike, and only cheated once. During this fast, I gained three pounds. I do not recall any victims of waterboarding complaining about weight gain, and most hunger strikers of my acquaintance have been precisely the sort of ectomorphs who should be raising awareness by running across InNeedistan or something instead of indulging in calorie deprivation. When you’re fat, seeing skinny people go on hunger strikes is really under the aegis of the Department of Insult to Injury. As is the gaining of three pounds on a hunger strike.

Okay, okay, when I took off my Thuggie I discovered that I’d actually lost four pounds (and also that Thuggies weigh seven pounds!) but still!

Given that I spent all of last year obsessively tracking my calorie input and output with the LoseIt app and averaged 1100 calories a day and did not lose a single pound, it’s quite clear that if I’m ever to get to my ideal, or even a slightly improved, shape, it’ll take actually breaking a sweat. More than once a month, too.

Speaking if ideal shape…the one in the above photo is pretty much it. Mylene Farmer is older than me, and she still has that figure. This one.

Of course, she has those legs; that helps. Unless my pal Anthony Youn comes up with a clever, painless and cheap leg-lengthening procedure, I will never have legs anywhere near that good, but mine when in shape are not to be sneezed at. Especially if you don’t cover your nose. But hey, I got a start on the look: I bought the lipstick!

The current fashion for bowlegged rickets victims is not one which meets with my approval, in case you were wondering. I’d love to know which photographer we can blame for a generation of starlets who all pose as if they were about to lose bladder control. When in doubt, blame everything on Terry Richardson.

Knock kneed hipster girl

Knock kneed hipster girl

So Mylene’s shape is not achievable for me, which is too bad not only for me but for everyone who has to look at me. My current shape is quite perogy-like, and everybody likes perogies, so that’s something, but it’s not what I want.

This is what I want.

Ginger Spice would be nice

Ginger Spice would be nice

Believe it or not, for me, this is doable. Hell, I already had the hair! This will take, if I keep on schedule (which I will not and let’s be honest about it, you wouldn’t either) about a year. So I’m giving myself two years, because I’m like that with myself and you would be too, if you treasured me the way I do.

And if I looked like that, you would, wouldn’t you?

If Perez Hilton can do it, so can I.


UPDATE 2017: Down 50 lbs. I might just make this by early 2018. Today’s a run and weights day.

18 thoughts on “The Shape of Things to Come

  1. Perez used to be quite fat, and he’s a blogger, so I think the comparison is apt. If he can do that in a year, I can too. Mind you, he probably got a trainer for free, and meal plans as well. I know a few bloggers who get that in exchange for the publicity, but for me this is a lifestyle change and I know that packaged meals are not a realistic change for the rest of my life. I want to learn how to make nutritious food that isn’t fattening and balance it with exercise. Another marathon may or may not be in my future.

    Look at that picture of Ginger Spice. I’m not in my 20’s, and I don’t smoke. I’m not a professional dancer/entertainer. But yes, I can get pretty damn close to that if I work at it, so I’m going to. I even have a better waist/hip ratio than she does, and my tits are natural!

  2. The Mylene Farmer song is lovely. I sort of hate her though. My legs look just like hers, if you squint. Well, about half the length of hers. Sigh…what shade is that lipstick?

    I just know you’re going to goal.

  3. The lipstick is NARS triple stick in “Orgasm.” Nars is so subtle. It costs $45 though. And over it I put a six dollar Rimmel lipgloss called something like Eternal Glamour. It does actually last, and it looks fab.

    But yeah, those legs. DAYUM.

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