Category Archives: Religion

For this, O Lord, I am truly grateful

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Yes, it’s a new flamewar on Facebook, this time over the question of whether the existence of a theistic god is central to Christianity or not! It happened on the wall of a friend who had nothing to do with subsequent events, so I’ll leave him out of this. The initial post was about an atheist’s ability to have a civilized conversation with an open-minded Christian minister. And my initial question wasn’t snarky, just curious.

Getting Lucky: Two Perspectives

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Daft Punk is daft if they think they will get lucky in THOSE outfits

Daft Punk is daft if they think they will get lucky in THOSE outfits

Welcome to your Friday Late Night Dance Party, featuring Daft Punk’s “Get Lucky.”

First up, from 70’s tv fixture Soul Train (OMG there’s a Soul Train CRUISE!!!) via GOOD magazine. Hands up who learned these moves in Grade 7? And what ever happened to elephant baggies pants? Or satin pantsuits for the disco? And GET OFFA MY LAWN!

Next up, an entirely more Orthodox take on the smash hit, from Aish.com, released to celebrate Rosh Hashanah, and featuring some very hot breakdancing boys in need of more bobby pins.

The Poetry Book of Mormon

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Emo Jesus sez it's okay. He's still got his poetry.

Emo Jesus sez it’s okay. He’s still got his poetry.

Anybody who’s read the King James version of the Bible knows there’s poetry in it. But is there poetry in the “Other Books” like the Gnostic Gospels, the Kabbalah, and the famous Book of Mormon? We dunno.

But thanks to WikiLeaks, we have The Church Handbook of Instructions for Mormons, and we can confirm, yea verily, that there is poetry within, at least according to the Haiku Finder. And here is that poetry.

He should be careful
not to embarrass members
who need assistance.

 

Stake leaders may give
instruction and assistance
during these meetings.

 

However, they may
pay tithing through their home ward
if necessary.

 

He also consults
with other stake presidents
as appropriate.

 

This clerk also should
know how to order garments
and temple clothing.

 

This clerk also should
know how to order garments
and temple clothing.

 

Prayers in Church Meetings
Men and women may offer
prayers in Church meetings.

Hey Moroni, don’t quit your day job!

Sunday Songlist

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Worship Cthulhu

Worship Cthulhu

Welcome to Sunday. Sunday is, quite obviously, the most important day of the week.

It is the day the restaurants close.

In an age of over-adequate labour supplies and chefs, sous chefs, and assistant-sub-sous chefs, there can, of course, be only one reason for EVERY FUCKING RESTAURANT I WANT TO GO TO being closed on a Sunday. TWICE IN A ROW.

Everyone on staff has gone off to worship.

Cthulhu worship

Cthulhu worship

For those of you picturing neat rows of Episcopalian pews filled with shiny, freshly-scrubbed food and beverage staffer faces, allow me to shatter your dreams now. Think back to the last time you were at a good restaurant. The bartender, the waitstaff, the chef, the buspersons…did they look familiar from church? Did they even look like the type of person who goes to your church? I think not. I very much think not.

Yet, Sunday closures. Therefore, they must be Cthulhu worshipppers. It’s the only logical conclusion. When everything impossible has been eliminated whatever is left, however improbable, must be the truth, and you KNOW those people  don’t show up at your church, now do they? So does it really matter what flavour of damnation they choose, whether it’s Lutheranism or SisterWifeism or Whateverism? No. But restaurant staffers, if they’re clever, know exactly how to play the angles. They know how to pick a winner and glom on to him like there’s no tomorrow, which is why Gordon Ramsay’s busboy is the same as he was twenty years ago, only with more scars.

Hence, Cthulhuism.

Cthulhu Worship for doubters

Cthulhu Worship for doubters

Now there’s a religion that pays out for your investment. The stars are going to align almost any day now and when they do, acolytes of the Cult of Cthulhu such as myself and all non-fast-food restaurant staffers are going to be on the top of the world, along with loathesome, towering monstrosities of which you’ve never dreamed in your worst nightmares. If you really, truly doubt that Cthulhuism has infiltrated, influenced, and irrevocably changed mainstream culture, listen up: has there not been a VAST increase in the number of women insisting on being eaten first?

I rest my case.

Now, let us sing, Cthulhian-hipster style.

The Fishy Song

Hey There Cthulhu

O Ye of Little Faith

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Slaves I MEAN VOLUNTEERS

Slaves I MEAN VOLUNTEERS

Today’s classified ad comes from Christian outreach organization WEC International, who take the missionary position on all things, including, it seems, HR. You must read to the end to get the full effect.

Magazine Sub-editor or Chief Sub-editor, England – WEC International

Submitted: 25/04/12 ; Closing Date: Open

WEC’s Media & Communications team needs a clever, enthusiastic and hard-working sub-editor to work across a range of projects. Given the changing landscape of publishing, you will think multi-channel: print, web and mobile and be able subedit copy to suit each media.

Duties include: Subbing copy (news, features and marketing leaflets and flyers) arriving from various WEC UK ministries at speed and to tight deadlines, but with accuracy, attention to detail, precision and to a high and consistent standard, while also maintaining the house style and an appropriate tone of voice at all times; Writing eye-catching, snappy and accurate headlines, straps and abstracts/summaries. You will also be required to write the occasional feature.

This position is non-salaried as all WEC personnel look to God to provide their personal needs.

wecinternational.org.uk

They look to God to provide personal needs but apparently not to provide their staffing needs. Is that Satan’s department? From what I have experienced of HR, the answer is YES!