Sunday Songlist

Worship Cthulhu

Worship Cthulhu

Welcome to Sunday. Sunday is, quite obviously, the most important day of the week.

It is the day the restaurants close.

In an age of over-adequate labour supplies and chefs, sous chefs, and assistant-sub-sous chefs, there can, of course, be only one reason for EVERY FUCKING RESTAURANT I WANT TO GO TO being closed on a Sunday. TWICE IN A ROW.

Everyone on staff has gone off to worship.

Cthulhu worship

Cthulhu worship

For those of you picturing neat rows of Episcopalian pews filled with shiny, freshly-scrubbed food and beverage staffer faces, allow me to shatter your dreams now. Think back to the last time you were at a good restaurant. The bartender, the waitstaff, the chef, the buspersons…did they look familiar from church? Did they even look like the type of person who goes to your church? I think not. I very much think not.

Yet, Sunday closures. Therefore, they must be Cthulhu worshipppers. It’s the only logical conclusion. When everything impossible has been eliminated whatever is left, however improbable, must be the truth, and you KNOW those people  don’t show up at your church, now do they? So does it really matter what flavour of damnation they choose, whether it’s Lutheranism or SisterWifeism or Whateverism? No. But restaurant staffers, if they’re clever, know exactly how to play the angles. They know how to pick a winner and glom on to him like there’s no tomorrow, which is why Gordon Ramsay’s busboy is the same as he was twenty years ago, only with more scars.

Hence, Cthulhuism.

Cthulhu Worship for doubters

Cthulhu Worship for doubters

Now there’s a religion that pays out for your investment. The stars are going to align almost any day now and when they do, acolytes of the Cult of Cthulhu such as myself and all non-fast-food restaurant staffers are going to be on the top of the world, along with loathesome, towering monstrosities of which you’ve never dreamed in your worst nightmares. If you really, truly doubt that Cthulhuism has infiltrated, influenced, and irrevocably changed mainstream culture, listen up: has there not been a VAST increase in the number of women insisting on being eaten first?

I rest my case.

Now, let us sing, Cthulhian-hipster style.

The Fishy Song

Hey There Cthulhu

10 thoughts on “Sunday Songlist

  1. Love that first picture. That should be the label for an addictive, black, syrupy substance that will rot your teeth and your mind with its…. oh, wait….

    You should come to Australia, restaurants and coffee shops (not Starbucks-y things, PROPER coffee shops) are a religion here.

  2. Oi! I worked for seven years at Starbucks, and am currently rooming with an Aussie. What he THINKS passes for “coffee” is an endless source of bitter amusement.

  3. Ha! The eternal battle of cultures, coffee preferences. When Oprah came to Australia a few years ago to spread her cult she did an off the cuff advert type thing and mentioned how much we love our coffee here and that we all go to McDonalds for our fix.
    Mc Donalds for f**ks sake! You could hear the gasp of horror echoing around the country. Australia has more coffee shops than there are humans to staff them. People have been cursed with eternal damnation for less.

    My friend alway orders weak decaf coffee with a drip of skim milk. I usually tell her to order a cup of hot water in a dirty cup, as she couldn’t possibly notice the difference ;)

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  5. Ha! In Canada a decaf Americano is called a Canadiano. And one day I’ll do a post about the lost art of Cup Management, from back in the old days when writing the drink down was for LOSERS. We could convey some really impressive amounts of information just by the way we placed the cup on the machine.

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  7. Even worse than restaurants that close on Sunday are those that close ALL OF AUGUST but don’t mention that on their websites. A recent trip to Córdoba proved very frustrating as all the places I’d read up about and had been recommended were closed for holidays. Grrr…

    Heh, like the fishy song.

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