Good afternoon, kittens. Today’s briefing bingo was done live on Twitter, and laterblogged here because of internet speed-related technical difficulties.
Our briefing bingo for today is named after the Bela Lugosi film “How to Handle Women.” Given that audiences for his live appearances were 90% female, and that he had five wives, we can conclude that Bela not only could Get It, but could most probably Handle It as well.
Speaking of handling things, it’s the Justin Trudeau hour:
And I note that the other federal officials are also doing a briefing today. Some day I might be arsed to cover more than one briefing in a day, but that day? Is not this day, kittens.
Not today, kittens.
And me without coffee. I. Can’t. Even. Nothing, kittens, nothing is sacred anymore.
This whole briefing has undercurrents of frustration, alienation, and impending retribution, because (spoiler: not just because it’s 2020!):
“That letter” being the letter than many Canadians received telling them that they had to repay their CERB benefits “by January 1, 2021”. I did not receive this letter, although when I tried to sign in to get my CRB benefits again (the dog-sitting biz is still quite thoroughly en toilette) I did get notified that my benefits are frozen, and that I needed to provide documentation proving I qualify, and further, that I needed to provide that documentation by fax. The message helpfully noted that there are many free online services that will convert photos/scans to fax, and this is true, but literally none of them will convert and fax the 49 pages of proof I needed. Just another example of the government demanding, in a perfectly reasonable tone of voice, something which is literally impossible for many desperate people to provide.
Mork: This week I discovered a terrible disease called loneliness.
Orson: Do many people on Earth suffer from this disease?
Mork: Oh yes sir, and how they suffer. One man I know suffers so much he has to take a medication called bourbon, even that doesn’t help very much because then he can hear paint dry.
Orson: Does bed rest help?
Mork: No because I’ve heard that sleeping alone is part of the problem. You see, Orson, loneliness is a disease of the spirit. People who have it think that no one cares about them.
Orson: Do you have any idea why?
Mork: Yes sir you can count on me. You see, when children are young, they’re told not to talk to strangers. When they go to school, they’re told not to talk to the person next to them. Finally when they’re very old, they’re told not to talk to themselves, who’s left?
Orson: Are you saying Earthlings make each other lonely?
Mork: No sir I’m saying just the opposite. They make themeslves lonely, they’re so busy looking out for number one that there’s not enough room for two.
Orson: It’s too bad everybody down there can’t get together and find a cure.
Mork: Here’s the paradox sir because if they did get together, they wouldn’t need one.
Here is My Imaginary Boytoy and also apparently Wendi Deng‘s, former British PM Tony Blair, aka bLIAR, speaking the absolute, literal truth for once in his goddam life, with a little help from remix artist Cassetteboy. The peace broker was risking all to deliver a desperate address to the hastily-gathered rebel alliance at the beating heart of the fabled Bloomberg empire, its London HQ. Oh, who am I kidding? He was there for the paycheck.
Some people only aim as high as the podium. Some tawdry, conventional people.
The members of the Jamaican Bobsleigh Team are not such people.
As we have written elsewhere, they are living their Olympic dreams in part because of the backing of a satirical cryptocurrency named after a faddish pet meme. Now they have released the best song and music video of the 2014 Sochi Olympic Games (unless the fabulous Johnny Weir wants to record something, of course). With a score to date of almost three quarter of a million plays in five days, this is definitely a winning performance.
Is it just me, or do those hands look like…not-hands, if you know what I mean?