Covid Briefing Bingo, Part The Part Where I Got Bored

Yes, we are still doing this. It’s March the 204th of 2020 and here we are: live-tweeting and live-blogging a week-old video as if it were new because FUCK EVERYTHING THAT’S WHY.

Also, I’m sick, so it’s even more boring to live through a pandemic when you have a debilitating, uncomfortable, but relatively banal and unfatal seasonal flu. So I’m in what you might characterize as either No Mood or A Mood, depending on your regional dialect and idioms. So, there’s that.

First Generation Covid Briefing Bingo Card

Second Generation Covid Briefing Bingo Card

Third Generation Covid Briefing Bingo Card

Here is our video, helpfully titled by CPAC as “PM Trudeau on throne speech, election speculation, Covid-19 aid for provinces – September 16, 2020.” Great job hitting all those keywords, guys!

Shall we begin? Let’s begin.

There’s fuck all else to do around here, as I believe I mentioned.

Okay, there’s your Begins in English and Blue Suit squares checked. Didn’t see the shoes but smart money says yes, brown shoes. *shudders*

Didn’t see it because CPAC edits with a chainsaw, but you can bet the “Maple Leaf Accessory” was in play with the usual mask.

Did you realize that the Canadian flags are always draped to show the same precise segment of the Maple Leaf and that is someone’s actual JOB and I kind of love that.

That’s your “CBC Cadence” square ticked, and we’re a grand total of 17 seconds into the speech.

We’ve also got “Extras in the background” from the 3rd Generation bingo card. Very fancy extras including the Deputy PM.

And that’s “shifts responsibility to provinces”. I should make a square for every time he announces another new way to give Canadians money.

WTH is going on off-camera on the right? Something very interesting, apparently.

How can you have a Cabinet retreat in Ottawa when Ottawa is where Cabinet meets? Did they all just stroll over to the Lord Elgin and play dopey teambuilding games in a board room or something?

WHOA HE JUST SAID THE WORD “SOLIDARITY”. What was I just saying about Canadians being Socialist, @Guerrilha_Grodd?

Oh, got the “namechecks Dr. Theresa Tam” square a while ago, forgot to call that one out.

That “congratulations” on the US caving to Canadian demands about its aluminum tariffs is definitely a “Shades the US” square, so mark that one off. This is a busy briefing. Canada is a passive-aggressive nation, truly. These are My People.

There’s your traditional “Drinks water” as always in the pause between the speech and taking questions from the press. Dammit, I should have created a square for “Twinkleface.”

Bonus “Shades Putin without naming him”.

I just love that word, “donc.” I love it. Who knows why? It’s like punctuation, only verbal.

WTF? I didn’t have a square for “Building back better?” And me the world’s #1 alliteration fan. I am ashamed, people. I have failed you.

There’s your “Gesticulates” square but it was pretty weak. Normally he’s gesticulating away, particularly when he speaks French, but today was all the Concerned Priest Hand Clasp Pose.

If I were the Deputy PM and Finance Minister, or an Ambassador, or any other Minister, I’d be pretty pissed off to have to stand there silent for a full hour just to be background dressing for the Prime Minister. They must all have better things to do, surely.

Well, the question about the election got the arms flailing like a KitchenAid mixer. I sense the man might be somewhat emotionally invested in the question.

Freeland’s French is way better than I thought. Way better than mine, for sure.

Did…did they have Chrystia Freeland the Deputy Prime Minister stand on a box the whole time so she’d be in the shot? Yes, readers. Yes, they did.

And that concludes your Covid Briefing Bingo for today. Well, last Thursday. Whatever. It’s March 204th.

Justin Trudeau "Because it's 2015."

Covid Briefing Bingo, Continued…

Justin Trudeau "Because it's 2015."

Justin Trudeau “Because it’s 2015.”

 

But for how long? Who among us can say (not even the esteemed Dr. Theresa Tam knows, nor the revered Dr. Bonnie Henry. Surely not your humble blog host). Now that the daily briefing has become the Once In Awhile briefing, there seems to be less and less point to creating new bingo cards; on the other hand, there is more and more boredom.

So, here we are.

Almost two months ago we launched the Canuckian version of Briefing Bingo, alongside pre-existing British and American games, taking our rightful place on the world stage. We dunno what’s up with the other two countries in Five Eyes, but maybe their retired journalists have better things to do with their time?

God knows I don’t.

Almost a month after the media frenzy (not really, although the NaPo did give me a very polite rejection email) of our initial launch, we followed up with the Second Generation Briefing Bingo card, featuring the square that would be near and dear to my departed mother’s heart, had she not departed this Earth back when Prime Minister Zoolander was still at school. I refer, of course, to the “Wears brown shoes with blue or grey suit WHICH IS JUST MORALLY WRONG” square.

To date we have filled exactly ONE row, the second row from the top in the first generation card. But do play our Daily-Briefing-Bingo-3rd Generation, either with or without previous editions, because if we can just coax him into saying the words “Attack and dethrone god” on-camera, it will all have been worth it.

Tune in now and then at roughly 10ish-11ish some mornings, follow along live on Twitter with the hashtag #BriefingBingo, or just check this site once a day for the roundup of each day’s bingo calls in the comments section. And if we miss something, an accidental photobomb, an insect, or a muttered “attack and dethrone god”, by all means hit us up in the comments; thanks to CPAC, we can always review and amend.

Daily Briefing Bingo Edition 2.0

PM Zoolander rides a moose. As one does.

PM Zoolander rides a moose as one does.

If you’re new to Daily Briefing Bingo, check out Daily Briefing Bingo Edition 1.0 and get your first-edition Daily Briefing Bingo card. From this point onward, you can play either or both cards from this point onward.

The first edition card does not have any completed lines yet, but here’s hoping! Come on, Ascot! Come on, Jeans! Come on, Blue Steel! Sadly, second column is a complete skunk, with not a single box ticked at this point. Ou est le blue plaid jacket d’antan?

Here’s the Daily Briefing Bingo Card Edition 2.0. It’s a PDF, so if you’ve got the right software you download and play with it on the computer, or you can print it out and mark it up in meatspace, rollin’ old skool.

Moving forward, from this point on, our new reality is (sorrynotsorry) squares featuring appearances by a diverse cast of characters and phrases including international vaccine alliance GAVI, visible perspiration, porchscaping, “Ramping up”, “The new normal”, “Who we are”, and the highly controversial Wears brown shoes with a grey or blue suit, which is JUST MORALLY WRONG.

Remember to play safe, and maintain good social distancing and mask hygiene while playing, and to never, and I mean never, speak moistly.