Speaking Moistly with Infrared

The Heavy Metal Covid-19 Briefing

Welcome to the second in our new series of Mystery Wrapped In A Riddle Though Otherwise Completely Arbitrary Narrative Framing Devices. Guess the over-arching theme and win a completely imaginary prize. Why?

It’s been A Year, Possums. It’s been a year.

The series will be ongoing till it’s over, which, who knows? There is some chaos in scheduling briefings lately, what with them getting shunted aside for Any Old Meeting, and there is some chaos in communicating the schedules, what with the Prime Minister’s website, where he usually broadcasts his schedule a day in advance, looking like it’s hidden behind a lead shield inside a faraday cage recently:

Yeah, decidedly non-optimal

Still looks like that on Chrome, too. What’s he got against Google, I wonder? Whoever designed this website is clearly involved in this product launch. We are unsure if the underwear is, like the car, made of an assortment of metals, heavy and otherwise, and composites. And that reminds me, or I mean us, wht ARE composites composed of?

Anyhoodle, here we are and here we go, with the video:

On Parliament Hill, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau discusses the federal government’s response to the ongoing COVID-19 (coronavirus disease) pandemic. He is joined by federal ministers Chrystia Freeland (finance) and François-Philippe Champagne (innovation). The prime minister announces a $518-million investment through the Canada Foundation for Innovation aimed at supporting hundreds of research projects in Canada. He also announces the extension of the Canada Emergency Wage Subsidy and the Canada Emergency Rent Subsidy and lockdown support at their current levels until June. Trudeau faces questions on Canada’s timeline for COVID-19 vaccination following U.S. President Joe Biden’s announcement that the U.S. was accelerating its rollout.

And our cards, and NO I didn’t get you a new one yet. Sorry! I should bang my head against a wall or something.

Continue reading

The Happy Covid Briefing Bingo

I’m happy because I’ve got a fresh bag of espresso and enough money to get myself a moka pot!

We’re back, possums! And, after skipping Tuesday’s briefing entirely in favour of a virtual meeting with Biden (Trudeau) and dialing in to liveblog the Corey Hurren sentencing hearing (your humble blogger), very happy to be back. Well, I am anyway. No idea how Trudeau feels except that his palpable glee every time he mentions working with Biden instead of “He Who Must Not Be Named” makes me think he’d actively pay to spend eight hours a day in meetings with Biden. Yes, Doug Ford, you have been well and truly Thrown Over For Another Man. #RIPBromance

Back at our panel-style Covid briefings, back at Room 200 of the John A. MacDonald Building, which I at least find amusing because the use of the middle initial indicates that the federal government is worried you might mistake this building for another, named after some other John MacDonald. Perhaps a florist, or a goat farmer, or orthodontist. All honourable professions, to be sure. Better safe than sorry, that’s our federal government.

Which is now, by my count, seven minutes late to its Covid briefing in the building named after the first prime minister. He used to get through a bottle of sherry a day, plus assorted spirits and other potions. Like, a bottle of 14% abv sherry was his baseline. How did he keep his girlish figure, that’s what I want to know. A diet where you can put away a bottle of sherry a day and stay slim: that would make MANY people happy.

Anyhoodle, here is our video and our bingo cards, with 423 watching:

On Parliament Hill, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau discusses the federal government’s response to the ongoing COVID-19 (coronavirus disease) pandemic. He is joined by federal ministers Patty Hajdu (health), Anita Anand (public services and procurement), and Dominic LeBlanc (intergovernmental affairs), as well as Major-General Dany Fortin (vice president of logistics and operations at the Public Health Agency of Canada), Dr. Theresa Tam, Canada’s chief public health officer, and Dr. Howard Njoo, deputy chief public health officer. They discuss Health Canada’s authorization of the use of the AstraZeneca COVID-19 vaccine.

Continue reading

The Cursive Covid Briefing Bingo

Space may be flat, but there’s no reason our politics should be, possums. Welcome to today’s slightly off-centre, possibly infinite, arguably curved Covid-19 Briefing Bingo aka The Zoolander Show, coming to you live from yet another anonymous briefing room somewhere in downtown Ottawa.

I am told by the Prime Minister’s website that we are at:

Room 200
Sir John A. Macdonald Building
144 Wellington Street

Although he, apparently, is not.

Whyyyyyyyy does the Canadian government love QR codes so much? Are they stuck in 2011 forever? They’ve got them prominently displayed on the backs of chairs at the briefing, but they’re out of focus so none of the viewers can click on them.

Meanwhile, on Twitter things are getting interesting. wHaT cOuLd PoSsiBly gO WrOnG?

Is Doug Ford’s final form a toxin? Yeah, why should it be any different, eh?

513 watching the CPAC video, because by now everyone knows he’s always late.

And your bingo cards are here and yes, I forgot to get you a new one. The old ones are still plenty relevant, as I was reminded at 3am last night when I got into an argument about Uighurs on Twitter (they’ve been A Thing at these briefings for months, possums, it’s not like Trudeau has shied away from discussing the issue). But oh yes, we were talking about the cards:

Continue reading

The Naked Covid Briefing Bingo

Slept in, no time for elaborate framing devices today. We’re going in raw!

Reporters are laughing; that’s not always a good thing, depending on your perspective, so mark your “Drama is happening offstage” square. We are a dark people.

Here’s our video, not officially a comedy.

Ah, dammit, forgot the Bingo cards:

Continue reading

The Septem Annorum Covidian Philosopher’s Briefing Bingo

Today’s briefing is brought to you by this seven year old Covidian philosopher.

Kid has spoken for all of us, hasn’t he?

We’re standing around, all 320 of us watching the CPAC video, waiting for Trudeau who is late for the briefing at his own house, from the glamorous location known as Front Yard. Even the sign language interpreters are waiting. Well, I’m sitting in my usual chair, having lost the struggle with The Roommate for control f the tv, so this briefing will be done by flipping back and forth between tabs on the computer. If I miss a “Gesticulates” or a “Drinks water” or whatever, let me know in the comments.

And somehow I am not yet an accredited member of the parliamentary press gallery; may have something to do with not having applied, and yet one suspects that my odds are the same whether I do apply or not. Ain’t nobody replying to my emailed questions to the PMO. I might have to actually…phone.

*shudders*

i’M a ReAl rEpOrTeR dAmMiT!

And now, our video:

Ah, dammit, forgot the Bingo cards:

Continue reading