The Fuzzy Covid Briefing Bingo

Fuzzy is not another dwarf. It’s just how I feel today, since I got up before 10am for once in my life. Let’s get right into it. God knows, my skating trip is off for today and there’s fuckall else to do.

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer, particularly if they’re running a fever and can operate as hot water bottles!

TORONTO (The Borowitz Report)—Canada, already bracing for the possible inflow of millions of American refugees in November, might have made matters worse by releasing an unacceptably adorable photo of its Prime Minister hugging two baby pandas, Canadians fear.

Our video is here, with only 312 people watching:

On Parliament Hill, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau discusses the federal government’s response to the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic and the spread of the Omicron variant. He is joined by Jean-Yves Duclos, the federal minister of health.

and our cards are here:

You can mark the square for Reporter Sits In Front Row and Blue Suit and Mask and Brown Shoes, and Jesus wept, were those TOPSIDERS? Mark Keeping Canadians Safe and Begins in English. And DONC, yay! Good to get that right up front; everything gets better when I’m in a good mood.

Speaking of which, I wonder if they could use a house-sitter at 24 Sussex Drive? I could sure use a mansion to live in.

Mark your Rapid Tests square, and I said Vaccine as well, yes? And Shoutout to Healthcare Workers. And mark your Covid Fatigue and “got your backs” squares as well. Oh! And there’s Roaring Back too!

There’s a From The Very Beginning and also the Covid and Into Arms squares. I really need to add a square for “step up”. And another for Ukraine.

Definitely mark Shades Putin/Russia over Ukraine. Our perogie supply is safe as long as Justin Trudeau is PM and Freeland is Deputy PM.

Don’t nobody care about Kazakhstan.

Mark your App square, even though this is a different app, one offering free mental health supports, VERY cool.

Did you know lockdowns do not increase suicidal ideation, but premature opening up DOES? It’s because people understand then that neither government nor business cares whether they live or die.

Do I have an Inflation square? @KGallagherCTV asks about inflation and the role of government spending in driving that. Guess he’d prefer no vaccines. #Capitalism Trudeau gives you another From The Very Beginning.

Trudeau isn’t having any of this cost/benefit inflation bullshit from Gallagher. He replies “we’re making the choice to be there to support Canadians. To have their backs.” So mark that square yet again. and Roaring Back.

Not to mention, Ford is even worse at hiring decisions than Julian “How could I have known he was a pedo/rapist?” Assange.

A q about protecting workers from threats of violence. Mark your Straightens Papers square. Trudeau responds with Keeping Canadians Safe and notes there are threats to a wide variety of Canadians including politicians. Although I hope when protections against threatening politicians take effect I’ll be grandfathered in, as I have something of a history of that. Well, can you blame me?

And a follow up about Ukraine, and Trudeau lays out the many ways Canada supports Ukraine and that Putin and Russia are being increasingly aggressive towards it. It’s a face-off. Moderator told everyone NOT to ask for translation into the other language, in order to save time. I feel like something very Canadian has been lost in that decision. But it does let you mark that square.

There’s your Clears Throat square. No gesticulations yet, just some mild paper-straightening. OH THERE IT IS, a tiny gesture. Mark that square.

There’s another Every Step of the Way but not quite a bingo YET. We’ll see. Whatever it takes as long as it takes is a square, so mark that.

This trucker vaccine requirement counts as “reiterates the border will remain closed” so mark that. Trudeau draws a line between essential and non-essential travel and points out that it’s the first time the border was closed since this country began.

This moderator is a hardass, but very Anglo. Anglo-er than me! Oh, and mark your Pen Fiddling square and Touches Face. Now we’re on to questions on the phone, and JUST GUESS WHO’S UP FIRST? Yes, that was satirical.

It’s Le Devoir. It’s always Le Devoir.

There’s another Got Canadians’ Backs. And Sign Language Interpreters Swapped Out. and do I have a square for Making Notes, because he is.

Yeah, we really lose a lot when the answers are only in one official language. My French is atrocious, as I’ve often mentioned, but it was getting better from listening to the French here and comparing it to the English.

There’s another From The Very Beginning & also another Got Canadian’s Backs, so I think that’s a bingo and might in fact be TWO in one sentence. Remind me to send a Thank You card. Can we get Attack And Dethrone God next?

And that’s a wrap. Less than an hour; this might be the shortest briefing yet. Looks like it was scheduled for 45 minutes exactly and ran a bit over because Trudeau is always late.

Speaking of fuzzy, looks like the PM could use another haircut, although as regular readers of the ol’ raincoaster blog know, we prefer the shaggy JPop Boy Bander look, essentially a wavy David Cassidy ‘do.

But seriously, isn’t it glorious?

Elsewhere in Canada, the leader of the NDP’s wife (wink wink) got gifted a $1900 rocking chair on condition it make it onto social media. The blowback was swift and brutal, as it always is with Jagmeet Singh’s side hustle as a tone deaf Influencer. He says he will be paying for the chair after all. The world is so keen on giving rich people things for free. I could use a chair, but I’ll be saving up for it because although I have 14,000+ Twitter followers, they’re very much Not Here for infomercials, god luv ’em.

And despite the fact that n0bOdY wAnTs t0 wOrK, companies are so desperate for coverage that they’re willing to violate labour laws (you know, rather than insist management work actual labour shifts).

But it’s not all bad news! A local paper just got de-shuttered in Ontario, and if it succeeds it could be a template for a nationwide revival of local independent coverage. I’ve always said, the ad dollars are there for local news; it’s just a matter of connecting with them.

And lastly, This Kid, This Kid Right Here, he is all of us in the Covidian Age. Found my Halloween costume for this year!

And that’s a wrap, people! Stay warm, stay safe, STAY THE FUCK AT HOME!

Hadrien didn’t even exist then!

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