Stolen from BoingBoing. This guy makes P-Unit look like G-Unit. How to destroy leftover fruitcake? Humiliate it in a rap battle, of course! But this site lists several ways to kill off the least-loved holiday gift, including exorcism, committee, slingshot, and pinata.
transcript over the jump
Listen up fruitcake, I got a question.
How many times have you changed possession?
A million sixty-three, I ain’t counting mine?
The only way I’ll cut you is with this dope rhyme.
The only way I’ll eat you is behind the mic.
I think you’re the inspiration for a hunger strike.
Cuz when it comes to the lyrics I got the crazy ill power
to obliterate ya, scratch that, DEVOUR!
Nobody want to eat you cuz you’re just too stale,
now do me a favour and get lost in the mail.
(sound of crickets chirping)
Well they call you a dessert, yes they use that term loosely.
A punch couldn’t dent ya, not even from Bruce Lee.
Talk to a spongecake for some inspiration
on how to be consumed without heavy mastication,
cuz you taste like dirt and you’re hard as slate.
You ain’t dessert, fruitcake, you’re a paperweight.
(sound of crickets chirping)
A knife and a fork? I’ll take a hammer and a chisel
to your taste like a brick,
for shizzle.
Cuz you’re old, you’re crusty,
you ain’t exactly tender.
The only option for a fruitcake
is return it to the sender!
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raincoaster 
Cuz you’re old, you’re crusty,
you ain’t exactly tender.
The only option for a fruitcake
is return it to the sender!
… Y’know, I think I’ll purposefully avoid commenting on old crusty fruitcakes here on the Raincoaster blog. Probably safer all around, really.
Yeah, yeah, shut up and tell BoingBoing I’ve got the lyrics, wouldja?
That was very creative, and very true, too. Pretty much sums up how I feel about fruitcake.
Am I the ONLY person in the world who loves fruitcake? I could live off the stuff, if I had enough booze to wash it down with.
I am very fond of fruitcakes, generally. Witness the company I keep.
Mum used to make it a year in advance–it was the Black Hole fruitcake. So rich and dense that light slowed down as it passed around it. Which is why it seemed to last so long.
Unfortunately and with all due respect (because we all appreciate our mothers’ cooking even when we criticize it) she also used to ice it with paving slabs. Honestly. She’d drizzle runny icing sugar on it until it could support the weight of a small child.
Still, I’ve never had one like it since I left home. And as an empty nester she’s left off making it. Too bad, really.
I don’t mind the sugary glaze of death, it’s the marzipan I can’t stand.
Oh, I could eat marzipan till I look like it!
It doesn’t take much. Isn’t that stuff pure sugar and fat? Plus concrete, of course.
Fruit cakes. Food of the Gods. It was Eris who rolled one into that notorious Olympian party to which she was not invited. “For the prettiest” she cried as it entered the room. Confusion, discord and mudwrestling were all invented at that moment.
My mother would make a boiled fruit cake about October for Christmas consumption. I eventually talked her into making several more at various times of the years so I could have a regular supply. Almond icing on top. Forget the calories. Most of them fall out when you cut the cake.
That’s good to know. And marachino cherries are still fruit, right? Got to have several servings a day, and the different colours count as different fruits!
Now you are talking!
And never forget that the calories in white chocolate cancel out the calories in dark chocolate.
Good to know.
As one of the folks who created the site and videos, I want to thank you for the links and comments.
We created deathofafruitcake.com for just this reason: Olympian fruitcake parties, debating the fruit-worthiness of maraschino cherries, and baked goods that bend space and time. Oh yeah, and it’s our company holiday card site. But who cares about that when there are fruitcakes whose density slows the passage of light?
Stay strong.
Word. Thanks, bro.
Marzipan is actually almond paste, so basically ground almonds and sugar. OK, you’re right, sugar and fat. But oh so yummy.