Now, this just does not surprise us here at the ol’ raincoaster blog. As you may be aware, we’ve never hesistated to expose the truth about the house of sordid, bent, and blood-soaked cards that is the superstar known as Elmo.

No indeed: whether he’s making a top-rated (although willing to bottom on a slow night) gay sex tape, high-hatting his erstwhile castmates, or descending gleefully into the warm, greedy embrace of malevolent pagan cults, El ‘mo has been, for those in the know, a touchstone of Hollywood excess for more than a decade.

Now, however, his decadent lifestyle has finally come to a grand finale, full of words, and tickles, and signifying nothing. His career in a shambles, his comeback Fall Over Drunk Elmo doll a dud, and desperate to pay for a crippling substance abuse and alimony habit, El ‘mo has turned to two-bit drug-running.

The Smoking Gun is there.

OCTOBER 26–A Colorado drug operation hid large quantities of methamphetamine inside Elmo dolls, according to federal investigators who yesterday announced the indictment of 21 alleged members of the ring, which transported the drug from California…

When investigators opened up the plush doll’s skull, they discovered the drug stash inside wrapped in plastic (as seen in this evidence pic). While Elmo has never previously been linked to narcotics distribution or use, the Sesame Street character appears to have no teeth, which frequently is seen in heavy meth users.

El ‘mo, unable to make bail, is currently being held in Corcoran State Prison, where he takes perverse satisfaction in the fact that he occupies the cell vacated by Robert Downey Jr.