The suicide note of Jill Rockcastle

Greta Garbo as Anna Karenina

If I were a novelist (and currently I am not, I am an unfinished-manuscriptist) I would be incredibly proud of creating this document. Unfortunately for Jill Rockcastle and the man she killed, it is not fiction.

Jill and Bill, her husband, were highly respected in their community, and even loved. Acquaintances and neighbors described them as “the nicest people, fun to be around, always up,” which is why the death of Bill and Jill‘s subsequent 10-page confession and suicide came as such a shock.

But not, I think, nearly as much of a shock as the contents of the note.

Bill GustafikApparently, Jill and her husband had been systematically embezzling and ripping off the very people who loved them so dearly. Consumed by cocaine, criminality, and an unquenchable gambling addiction, tied to grandiose and relentless ambitions and an absolute lack of talent, they were headed for a massive fall.

Jill, shaking off the emotional paralysis that had held her for years, finally took action and, in doing so, turned this tawdry tale into epic tragedy.

This is my final statement done to help all the people affected by my actions, Bill‘s actions, the actions and the results of whatever does happen to them in our aftermath. I’m writing this so that each person that receives it will identify with the time period in which your experience occurred with him and I and can have some of the why, how, why me, how could they, what happened etc. answered. I am not trying in anyway to justify a single thing in here. I am not looking to clear my name or actions. I have already done the most final things possible to stop us from hurting anyone else.

“When Bill and I met, we discovered that we both had the ability to get pretty much anything we wanted out of people. I did what I did out of my need to survive. Bill did what he did out of the need to conquer. To be superior to the people around him. To look like the most successful person in the room. He lived his life feeding his narcissism.

“He did all kinds of performance and look enhancing drugs. He was very physically aware and fit. He felt superior in his profession as a Chiropractor. He was earning a large amount of money but I was constantly listening to conversations on the phone about lies and schemes against people and agencies to maximize what he was paid.

“I was working in the mortgage business and as anyone knows that has owned a home and gone through the finance process, it usually involves being bullshitted all the way to signing documents that never exactly match what you thought you were getting. Both of us lied, manipulated, cheated, conned and hustled people to make the most money for us

[to the ex-wife] —Joanne
“This letter is to help you and xxxxx. I want you to know that the way you felt about Bill and why he was so horrible to you was not for any other reason than Bill preferred fighting with you over just being happy with xxxxx. I don’t know why but I do know that his hatred for you must have been more than that. What you thought and portrayed to the world about him governed every move he made. He wanted everyone to view him as the best Dad I think because he didn’t even know how to be one. He loved xxxxx inside but did not for whatever reason, know how to take care of her emotionally. He did not have a caring nurturing bone in his body. He felt love but didn’t feel the need nor have the ability to be weak in it. He felt he always had to be “Top Gamer.”

Two years ago, he did plan to have you and your Mom killed. He paid a guy to do it while we had xxxxx in Las Vegas for our Christmas time. It was the scariest few days…

Possible Exculpatory Evident. In addition to what may be revealed during the post, there is a yellow box in Bill‘s office, setting under the day bed, which should contain cocaine residue. Also in the office, setting on the day bed, is a box and flex file containing the various evaluation materials. This includes a 4-5″ green folder containing the vicious and threatening emails between Bill, Joann and others. The divorce papers are located in a black file cabinet to the right of Bill‘s desk.

I know that everything I have disclosed here does not excuse this. It does not explain it and it does not help me in anyway. I am not sending this for that purpose. I fully intend at this time to end this entire tragic string of events by ending my life as well. I know my children will have to learn to accept that but no one else should accept me being allowed to live whether it be in jail for the rest of my life or anywhere or how. I had to stop us. Everyone that was part of this I hope you recover. I hope you can take your disgust and anger with us and put it on us. Find console in the fact we are gone and cannot hurt you anymore.

If for some reason I fail in this, at least this will guarantee my conviction and I will have to pay everyday for my disgusting life.

Not that it could mean anything but I am truly sorry. To the people who loved me, I apologize for this shame. I hope you can walk away physically and emotionally from us. I hope you can forgive only enough to insure your own future happiness.

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45 thoughts on “The suicide note of Jill Rockcastle

  1. Wie traurig

    but

    suicide is such a selfish action

    Did any of them really care about the impact that this Murder and this Suicide would have on the Child

    G E

  2. I know, I know. I think Jill did care, passionately, and that she thought she was doing the best for the child. She wrote about that extensively in the note. Thank god the newspaper at least redacted the child’s name before printing the note. A father who tries to have your mother killed isn’t that much of an asset if you look at the big picture.

  3. The Marchioness de WitchHampton under B de la Zouche

    Your Grace

    Again, your point is well-made – Jill must have not known where to turn – I have been my usual, unsympathetic, ill-comprehending self ….

    AND she did what most Politicians (or ordinary Folk) do under pressure – what seems “a Good Idea at the Time”

    BUT

    her actions will curse a Life or several lives for decades & perhaps generations to come

    AND BUT I wish she had had the opportunity of talking to the local Equivalent of G Eagle

    I remain your Grace’s obedt servt etc

    G Eagle

  4. You’re quite right of course. Only people who aren’t thinking straight think suicide is the best option compared to, say, handing all that evidence over to the police and leaving the man.

  5. Not as far as I know. The best I can do is respect her privacy. It wouldn’t be hard to find out who she is, but I will leave her in whatever peace she has.

  6. In so many ways you meet the ‘nicest’ people…. and so often blame yourself. It’s a mistake – learn the rules of living according to raincaoster. Other peoples behaviour is not your choice, you only choose how you respond to it?

  7. You do have the right to make your own choice: to step away, to go along with it, to call in the cops, to turn monster yourself. All of these are choices. “Hi honey, I’ve involved you in a criminal conspiracy” is, as we see here, never a choice that it’s best to go along with.

    I certainly never claimed you can choose your own emotions. Please don’t distort my words; you can choose your actions. You can’t even control their consequences, but you CAN choose your actions. The child here has no obligations towards any action whatsoever: she’s a victim of crime, and of an abusive upbringing. One can only hope that her remaining parent and grandmother are loving and help her heal from this.

  8. Raincoaster… You actually believe the part about Bill trying to have his ex killed??? Can’t you see what a convenient accusation this is since a dead man cannot defend himself and the “Hitman ran off with the money”. Do you even know these people or are you just drawing conclusions based on what Jill wants you to believe?

    I was involved with both up until weeks before this happened so keep your misinformed comments to yourself so you don’t influence someone elses opinion of Bill.

    TS

  9. My dearest “Truth Seeker,” why is it that you “permit” me to form opinions about Jill but not Bill? I am actually fully authorized to form opinions about both of them, just as you are, and my opinions are based not only on Jill’s suicide note but also the events in the public record including police reports.

    No, I don’t know these people. They are both dead. But I have no horse in this race, no dog in this fight, no vested interest at all. One of the first lines of my post said that they were both highly respected in the community; that their actions, however heinous, have not changed that, is a testament to the power of human faith.

  10. “Right. That’ll teach me to answer comments after three beers. She succeeded at murder and failed at suicide.”

    Well. That makes her a total loser in MY book.

  11. to all who feel the need to slam jill you need to step back and think a second do you know ANY of the things that happened leading up to that day?? do you know the other side of the story?? the answer to that is NO! maybe before you are so fast to judge someone you should judge yourself
    only god and jill know what happened that day and in court the truth will come out and you maybe suprized at the results shes not the monster here shes just as much the victum as bill

  12. Almost. He died; at her hand. She didn’t. It’s certainly fair to judge her for that, no?

    This shrill defensiveness isn’t doing her any favours. If you read the post you’ll see that I am interested in the case because of the human dilemma in it. The more you people scream at me for even contemplating the events, the worse you make her look by association. You’re welcome to read and comment and discuss your friend. Your are NOT welcome to say “how dare you!”

  13. I knew Bill and Jill more then most have. 3 weeks prior to the MURDER my wife and i asked then both to be the god parents to our child. Let me say that the letter was nothing but a lie and one last attempt for to maniulate everyone. Bill was the most caring father i have known and would have never thought of some of the things Jill accused him of. with that said, someone who could Kill can lie and that is what this letter is about. Bill was not perfect and yes he gambled and dabbled with cocaine, but he never would steel from anyone. Jill would and everyone knew it. She was a compulsive liar and drug addict. Bill had a great heart and that in my opinion was why he was MURDERED! He was going to let the cat out of the bag when he found out about some of her doings ans she killed him. Nothing more said but in time Jill will meet her maker and she cant lie to him.

  14. Thanks for your perspective. If you knew them both for years then maybe you can shed some light on how it could be that she stole so much and he went along with it? There have been cries of spousal abuse from both sides in this case, and it’s hard to know who to believe.

    Where did Bill think the money was coming from? His poker playing is on the record as a money-loser. Do you think he knew, or do you think he was deceived?

    I don’t think labeling Jill a drug addict is going to support the prosecution; rather, it supports the defence, as she could always claim to be in an irrational state at the time.

  15. “A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it” Oscar Wilde

    The letter was a feeble attempt to rationalize the psycho-somatic mindset Jillian was in at the time of her ill fated suicide attempt. This letter is nothing more than a fictional tale with bits of the truth mixed in. Only two people knew the complete truth. One has past on and the other one is in jail waiting for what will hopefully be her day of reckoning. I pray daily for her to answer to society for the crimes (plural for a reason) she has committed. I pray for justice and closure for all involved. I pray because I believe.

    All of those involved have their own perspective that was formed based on the bits of Bill and Jill’s lives they saw and were privy to. No one but Bill and Jill know the complete truth. Everyone here could spend the rest of our lives mulling over what that truth is. I feel that action will only tear us from our families and cause undue stress and delay the inevitable. The inevitable being the end will be the same point in which we started. Confused, hurt, damaged, disgusted, disheartened, dismayed and ultimately still unaware of the truth.

    I suggest we all move on from this story. Every time someone comments we fuel the narcissistic behavior that contributed to these events. Her narcissism called for the spotlight (cameras in the courtroom) and her shame and psycho condition has delayed the justice (read the case notes and you will understand).

    The only tragedy in this story is those that are left in the aftermath. I tend to be a glass is half full kind of person, only the glass was shattered with this story and no one remembers whether there was water in it since the water has dried up.

    Good luck on your novel.

    -Standing in the Aftermath

  16. This was my aunt and uncle, I have stumbled across this blog around the same time her hearing is to be held. I’m sure for those not involved this is a fascinating case, truly, i was involved and I could barely believe my ears. What I do know for certain that I was Jillian’s favored niece, at least thats how she presented it. I would agree with the prior comment that the entire note was nothing but a lie, if any of you were aware of half the deceptions she had committed, you would feel just as frustrated as I am that anyone would attempt to justify her actions. My uncle loved his daughter more than anything and the fact that even after she took his daughter’s father from her, she tried to convince her that he didn’t love or care for her.
    Thank you Standing in the Aftermath, and to the comment before me, do not insult the scum of the earth by placing Jillian in that category and do not insult our family by placing my uncle in that category.

  17. I am Bills sister, Jill is beyond psycho manyone who really wants to know the truth should watched “snapped” on oct 1 2009. Bill was unaware of much of the financial happenings because he turned them over to her as this was her line of work and he was tired of his ex taking him to court every time he made a dime. Jill lied about being the mom of three out of four of her own children. What kind of person does that? She also stole 200 thousand dollars from her very best friend and 50 thou from her neighbor as well as scamming three lawyers in S.F. She stole many bottles of vicodin and script pads from his chiro office. This in addition to telling us, the family, that she inherited 35 million from her grandmother and admitting that she “had something to do with the death of her mother” all of this has been either witnessed by me personally or verified by the police. So PLEASE get your facts before forming an opinion about Bill who was a wonderful person. I knew him better than just about anyone, I lived with him a good portion of his life. He was generous, kind, loving,and unfortunantly for him and those who loved him he was blindly trusting of the evil slime that calls herself jillian. R.I.P. Billy, I love you

  18. To all who have posted on this site most of all susan Jill
    thats her real birth name is paying her due to ceaser and will face god for her day of reconing.theres things in Jill’s past taht one konws about that happened to Jill way before she meet Bill. Things no CHILD should have to bare at the hands of the man who is called your father.we had a very bad childhood I have known Jill my whloe life I’m her younger sister. I am not going to sit here and listen to people who have NO idea of the events that happened to make my sister who she is And susan I mean you as well your brother thretend to kill my grandmother if Jill left him on meny occasions bill beat my sister in a cocaine and drunken state he was into S & M on 1 occasion he choked my sister to the point that she stopped breathing! that is not a sweet loving man that is someone who was as mess up in the head as you clam my sister was. for the good of all maybe we should look at our own lifes and fix whats wrong with them the only one who can judge my sister is GOD and if any of you have read the bible he is a forgiving GOD and he has already judged Bill and only he knows which way his soul went none of us ever will! SUSAN i am sorry for your loss
    theres nothing i can do to change what happened i wish i could but please try to forgive you seem like a nice person i don’t want you to suffer anymore pain due to the actions of my sister and if you can’t forgive i pray someday you will find some peace to comfort you

  19. OMG…First let me say I am so, so sorry for your pain.
    I was wondering if you or your sister had ever been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity disorder? many people believe that its like “The United States of Tara”…it is not. Because of her abuse at a young age…it is altogether possible that she did have personalities (aspects of herself in her mind)that did believe she only had one daughter, couldn’t remember certain things, and when attacked that night, dissociated and ended her years of abuse! In that case “Jill” did not kill Bill, but an aspect of her mind or alter may have.
    PTSD or any stress/trauma related disorder is serious. There are many experts in this field and organizations that have so much information.
    Again, just wondering.

    Respectfully,
    Temarr

  20. I think the lady was a liar and just plain trashy, and very un convincing’ Bill seemed like a basiclygood guy who had a gambeling problam many of my brothers do but their wives dont kill them or try to turn them into a grifter which is all Jill was, I watched snapped, what a shaME RIP BILL BEST WISHES IN YOUR NEW HOME JILL A STEP DOWN FROM THE PANORAMA TOWERS

  21. Temarr is on the right path… Jill’s profile is in the DSM, but it’s under Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
    Her relationship with money, self medicating, suicidal ideation, and her repellant nature are typical traits of BPD’s.

    Sincerely,
    Sean

  22. I think we all had the misfortune of meeting women like jill before,it is a pity Bill could not escape her clutches,alias women like jill seem to attract a certain type of person,the beauty to persude and cast spell that lead her preys to the rocks, will remain with her, alias prison seems to have taken it toll this ma give some comfort to her victims

  23. Sorry to say but as a person who holds a degree in forensic psychology – jill had no legit signs of BPD. While it is true that events in your childhood can affect your relationships, Jill doesn’t truly fit the diagnostic profile of someone with BPD.

    I am not God so I am not in a position to judge. However I can form an opinion and I think Jill’s snapped episode gives herself away: she did not shed one single tear. That wasn’t crying she did. That was a bad acting decision. What’s more is her accusations or truths about Bill and his addicition to cocaine and gambling. As far as I know, those are addictions that become apparent in the beginning of many relationships. With that being the case, she could have just up and left him then instead of waiting so long that the only way she thought to berid of him was murder.

    My condolences to Bills family and no one else.

  24. So would you be writing this from a point of view of the power of human faith? In this story, this perspective intrigues you then?

    For those left behind I hope it loses interest. The only thing to be gained from more publicity would be money I think. Any irony in itself.

    Aftermath’s quote by Oscar Wilde says a lot. And besides the woman is in jail and not dead.

  25. I wrote this (four years ago) because the story’s layers of competing truths intrigued me. I’m fascinated by cons and sociopaths, and held it to be true that they couldn’t feel real emotion. Apparently I was wrong: they can feel some kind of magnetism that draws them towards one another, and they can feel panic.

  26. This is a classic case when it comes to the flaws in our justice system. An Open and Shut Case, the state of Nevada decides to allow her to plea bargain. Another example, for the greedy minds in America, that we can kill our spouse, for no other reason than greed, and do a minimum bout in prison. Eight measly years, compared to the life she cut short, and his family she has, so abruptly, torn into. She knew exactly what to do after she was finished with stabbing him fifteen times. And, when that didn’t fit the evidence, she conveniently comes up with a, TOTALLY DIFFERENT, story that would !! She is a cold blooded killer. The worse kind !! The killer victims trust with their lives. The killer the victims loved most. She should have gotten nothing short of LIFE IN PRISON. She has to be the worse liar I have ever seen. It was the sickest display I have had to, personally, witness. She is a disgusting excuse for an old lady. All that I can hope for is that she is still proclaiming her lies when she appears in front of the parole board. I have to believe in that. It’s all that we have left, since the justice system did so miserable a job. They have her admitting to the crime, in a ten page letter. The first five pages written by her attorney and, being the Narcissistic Sociopath that she is, she decided she was witty enough to write ANOTHER five in an attempt to gain sympathy, and to make non-believers into believers.. She is an absolute joke who truly believes she has pulled the wool over EVERY ONE’S eyes. We should have thrown away the key upon her entering her jail cell. But, no, Las Vegas, Nevada felt comfortable, somehow, in allowing what would have been Life Without Parole to become 8 years in prison. Was it simply to save the district money? His life wasn’t worth the fight? I believe that relatives of all deceased victims should have a say in ANY, and ALL, ———— relative to the case !! How dare they make a plea with such a manipulative, apathetic, cold-hearted monster??!! It was open and shut, yet she will be up for parole in 2017. She will then be only 59 years old… Was her husband allowed to turn 60?? NO… And, neither should she!! Not as a FREE woman, anyhow. Dear God, what has this nation become, when we may CHOOSE to allow a murdering sociopath to walk freely on our streets, again?? Even the possibility of freedom, for her and others like her. is absurd !!!!!

  27. I have to say, I wrote my first comment before reading anything on this site, including Jill’s complete suicide note……… After reading it, and most of the comments, I have found myself ill. I am beginning to wonder if the whole Internet thing is a huge mistake. If it is allowing more harm than good. I am curious, “raincoaster”, did you do ANY homework before deciding to write this? I’m shocked to see any one person with the ability to sympathize with Jill. Allow me to state the FACTS, so that you might want to re-write your, so-called, TRUE story. First of all, through most all accounts, Jill took care of their finances. He, evidence indicates, probably could not have told you how much money they had in their accounts, nor the bills they owed. She says HERSELF, that she had to go and find a way to come up with the $5000 needed, for him to purchase a chair in the next tournament. I would not doubt (in my own opinion, based on the evidence) if she had embezzled their joint funds, without his knowledge, well before she slaughtered him. She, no doubt, cooked the books, knowing she’d be leaving him in the near future. She had obviously planned his murder long before anyone had originally thought, for she had kept e-mails between him, his ex, and “others”.. Why would someone who, supposedly, loved their husband do something so under-handed as that, in the first place? Could it be because she was and is a manipulative, narcissistic, con-artist? Did you not notice that, in her original 10 page e-mail, there is NO mention of him abusing her? Nor has any other person on earth witnessed such a thing. When her e-mail did not match up with the evidence, she was forced to CHANGE her original statement, and drastically, I might add. They knew the stabbing did not begin in the kitchen, as she had ORIGINALLY claimed, OH NO…. So, she had to place that knife in the bedroom. Because, if she did not, that meant she left the bedroom, went to the kitchen, obtained the knife, and then returned to bedroom to kill him. Her lawyers knew what that would mean, and so she came up with Battered Women’s Syndrome in order to claim that the knife was already in the bedroom. She claimed that he had used it to open a DVD… A pornographic DVD.. And that after turning it on, watching was not enough, he wanted to act it out and so began to pull her hair and beat her…. That is when she says she grabbed the knife, that USED to be in the kitchen, but was now in their bedroom and on the chest of drawers, and commenced in killing him…lol… Give me a break…
    I’m curious as to if you have watched the episode of “SNAPPED”, pertaining to them? You will see her crying, uncontrollably, saying again and again that she did not mean to kill him, that she loved him and did not want to see him dead… Now, tell me something, why does her e-mail, written the day after his death, prove otherwise? In her e-mail, she says the most horrid things about Bill. … Not the words of a loving, grieving wife..
    She readily admits to having the ability to get, pretty much, anything she wants out of people. She claims that, all the terrible things THEY had done was, on her part, done to survive. But, rotten ole Bill, did it out of the need to conquer. Ain’t she something??!! She stole, cheated, and lied to survive, so it’s ok now…lol… What a trip…. She also states that he wanted to be superior; look the most successful in the room; and goes on to say, he feels so superior as a Chiropractor. But, wait a minute… She claimed he left his Chiropractics behind in order to focus on cards, and that she was forced to keep the businesses running.. Which only makes sense, since she is the one who claims to have opened all 3 of them. HA.. If a narcissist felt SUPERIOR in his field, then why on earth would he up and leave it behind?? Especially since he seemed to suck at Poker. Just doesn’t quite add up, does it?? He needed to “feel like the most successful in the room”.. Hhhmm… How could one possibly feel successful when he CONSTANTLY loses? You tell me?? I’m thinking I would die of embarrassment to have given up a Doctrine to play such an expensive game, just to lose every time.
    And, what is her reasoning behind forcing everyone to acknowledge the fact that he took performance enhancing drugs, other than the obvious, defamation of character?? She is the one with tons of plastic surgery, and huge, awkward-looking implants. You shouldn’t throw stones when you live in a glass house.. Although, I’m sure, she is hinting as to steroids causing him to go insane. She’ll stop at nothing…. She admits she is a liar, manipulator, cheater, con, and hustler.. That’s a start… But, goes on to say, he is as well..
    She claims she wants no-one else to get, or be, hurt by them… And, in the same breathe, she claims that Bill hated Joann more than he loved his little girl.. She really tries to rub it in, when it comes to Joann and Bill’s hatred towards her. Envious?? Then, she states that Bill DID hire a hit man to kill both, Joann, and her mother.. OMG!! Sounds like Jill would have really liked that to have happened.. She goes on to say, Bill does not know what love is, nor how to give it. Not even to his own daughter. You tell me just how much potential this e-mail has to do harm on others… No compassion, AT ALL, for the man she KILLED, or his family.. Pure sociopath!!!
    The only truth I can find in her so-called Suicide Letter, other than she is a liar, thief, etc., would be that she does not deserve to live, and she is totally, 100%, D-I-S-G-U-S-T-I-N-G !!!!!!!!!!
    You should be ashamed to have worded your, so-called, true story any where near the approach you have taken!! At first, I felt you were a man, therefore blinded by her Crocodile tears.. But now, after reading your entire story, I fear you are a woman scorned.. Experienced either, Battered Women’s Syndrome -OR- your man has recently cheated and/ or fresh divorce.. Anyway that it goes, you should never go into these matters, without first, checking into the facts.. YOU CANNOT BE BIASED!!!!!!

  28. Jill says anything she can to sound like the victim. Evidence at crime scene clearly indecates she is a manipuating liar.Her fake crying at her jailhouse interview was sickning. Jill supportors please do your homework. Cold-blooded murderess. Sometimes the law gives professional victims too much of the benefit of the doubt to where they will condemn the actual victim just so they don’t have to answer to special intrest groups or not to upset the politcal correctness monster that terrorizes this country today. Won’t be the last time.

  29. Plain and simple….the sad part is a little girl lost her dad. Jill had no right to take him from her. Jill also has children, and I feel for them. They have to deal with what their mother has done….not only to Bill and his family but to them as well. She claimed before that they were adopted….Seriously, what kind of mother would say that their biological children were adopted!! It is a messed up case for both families :(

  30. I like Lori’s statement.. I myself am a friend of Lori’s and a old boyfriend of Jill back in our younger days. Jill then was a very sweet, understanding and loving woman. We had many many good remember able times. And i’m sure to this day she is still the sweet, loving, caring, thoughtful,wonderful woman she has always been. I look forward to seeing her again with open arms…….

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