Well, to be fair let’s open it right up to everybody brown, black, or off-white. Affleck, you’re lucky you’re off the Mystic Tan, that’s all I’m saying.

We here at the ol’ raincoaster blog are constantly scanning the pixelsphere, looking for the most relevant and important stories to bring you. In the absence of breaking Giant Squid news, we offer this, even though we live in Vancouver and the only persons of melanin ’round these parts have (as we have noted) been fighting terrorists since 1492. Still, on the Internet nobody can tell you’re an octoroon.

From McSweeney’s.

Whatever the case may be, you probably have the same worries that any other good American has in these troubled times. Such as “How do I properly show my love for my country?” and “How do I assure people that I don’t want to kill them?”

With these questions in mind, the Department of Homeland Security has formulated the following guidelines for you and your people based on the United States Terror Alert Levels. If you follow the simple advice below, you will significantly decrease your chances of being arrested or deported.

Terror Alert Level: Low (Green)

To be honest, this level is really just a placeholder. We needed to have a “low” level in order to have the higher levels. If we ever do hit the green level, be aware that this probably means the rest of the world has been destroyed by man-made (e.g., nuclear) or supernatural (e.g., meteor or alien death ray) forces. Whatever the case may be, take the opportunity to live it up, because as soon as Mexico gets repopulated we’ll be back up to the blue level.

and so on…