Courtesy of the Heather —-s Blog . May contrain traces of soy products, gluten, nuts and editing:

It’s not you, it’s me. I’m just not the same person as when I started —–ing you. I have loved the time we spent together. Your —– is strong yet soft. You are lithe and attractive. There is nothing wrong with you. It’s just that I am in a different place now.

No, it’s not only that I’ve been spending time with Bjerk, and I truly wish that you’d stop saying “that B-Jerk.” I’m fairly certain it’s pronounced like Bjork but with an “erk.”

I spend time with Bjerk because I don’t want to hang around the house all the time anymore – I’ve been enjoying getting out and I can’t take you anywhere these days, what with your being in pieces and your ends all hanging out. When we were spending all that time at home in front of the TV, that was one thing. But I want to be free to move around!

I’ve worked hard on this relationship, and I’m not giving up now. You know that I’m committed: We’ve been through thick and thin, unraveling, bumps, twists, and 190 dang b—–s! But something has to change. You can’t accuse me of cheating just because I swatched Bjerk when I should have been working on your shoulders, or every time I —- a couple of —- with Bjerk in my hands. Yes, Bjerk is beautiful…

But so are you, in a different way. Neither of you is better or worse. I love your b—–s, Bjerk doesn’t have any of those. And you have such a lovely —– (no, I did NOT say d—p!). Just because Bjerk is slightly more youthful and elastic doesn’t mean anything.

OK, you’re right, maybe I don’t know how to handle your edgy ——-, but I’m willing to learn! I can improve, I know I can! Once we work through that, I’ll be able to take you with me everywhere.

It’s just that. Well. You’re right. I probably will never be able to be completely exclusive.

Just set me free and I will come back to you. Stop with the guilt trips. Wait patiently and the novelty of Bjerk will wear off (at about 2 3/4 inches, when Bjerk tells me to use — ———, and I say no because I don’t have any on me).