from Sploid.

A 25-year-old [Australian] woman was recently arrested for attempting to smuggle drugs into the country from Singapore by swallowing a mind-boggling 329 heroin-filled condoms.

Now, it says right there they were not just "containing" heroin, but were actually filled with the stuff. Let's think about that a moment, shall we?

Oh would it fucking kill you to play along?

So, they were condoms. And they were filled. I don't know (and wouldn't presume to guess) whether or not you're familiar with the usual dimensions of a filled condom, but it does take up a bit of volume, variable though it may be from iteration to iteration and even from moment to moment.

Now let's do the math.

As I recently completed, at the cost of three irrevocably spent months out of my life and, additionally, significant cost to the Canadian taxpayer, the JobSTART pre-employment training program, which is designed for those coming out of long-term prison sentences and aimed at helping them complete their high school equivalency (ours is not to reason why, because at Welfare they're not used to reason and it upsets them), I am all up on this math shit, yo.

The average condom-stuffing unit is six inches in length, and, for whites, one point five inches in diameter. This, however, is useless information because unless it was actually China White she was carrying, it was probably brown heroin, and as you can see from the reference page, Brown condom stuffers have an average length of between six point two six inches and eight inches, along with an average diameter of two inches.

If it was China White, of course, we would need further research to determine whether the Chinese (4-5" in length and 1.25" in diameter) or the White (5.5-6" in length and 1.5" in diameter) were dominant in this sample.

Assuming, then, that the sample in question was brown heroin, the average volume of the condoms in question was:

[8-(8-6.26)/2=8-1.74/2=8-0.87=7.13]x(pi)(rxr)

which is 7.13×3.14×1=22.3882

Twenty-two point three eight eight two cubic inches of brown heroin per condom is quite a mouthful. Let us hope they were the flavoured kind; they go down easier.

More math:

329 condoms x 22.3882 cubic inches = 7365.7178 total cubic inches, or about 19,000cc's of heroin.

That's larger than the Caribou 6000 expedition pack which, we note, features "An adjustable inside shelf helps to compartmentalize your packing" which would no doubt have come in handy, had the Aussie in question possessed a gastrointestinal system provided with such.

7500 cubic inches will cost you $110 to fire in the kiln here, although should you attempt to do so with heroin I would expect a few pointed questions and maybe a massive sugar craving. But it's better than patchouli!

It is also the size of the intimidating-looking Extended Mission Ruck. This damn thing looks like it was engineered so you could go over to Iraq and just scoop the insurgents, securing them safely in place with one of the eighteen billion, not at all fetishistic straps festooning this 100% Made In America monster.

To put things in perspective, 7500 cubic inches is the capacity of this Modular Hauler truck bed, the largest the company manufactures.

It is also, for our metric-savvy readers, approximately 19,000 cubic centimetres, which is the size of the engine used at KittyHawk.

Back then, 19,000cc's only sufficed to get one man 15 feet off the ground. Nowadays, it could provide decent highs for over 600!

Ah, progress!