Have you ever wondered what would have happened if Stuart Townsend had not been fired from The Lord of the Rings shoot and replaced with Viggo Mortensen? Wondered, perhaps, how the film would have been different with Cher, perhaps, instead of Cate Blanchett as Galadriel? Or perhaps your thoughts turn to more slackerish, dark corners. What if, ferinstance, Kevin Smith directed Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, Jerry Seinfeld, and Jason Lee as the Fellowship of the Ring.

Here is your answer.

The Lord of the Rings: Tolkien Re-Told
The Council of Elrond

As directed by Kevin Smith

Editor’s Note: We do not have full editorial control over what Hollywood’s brightest minds do and do not write. Therefore, the following scripts contain language which is inappropriate for some readers. User discretion is advised.

Jerry Seinfeld as ELROND
Jason Mewes as JAY…er, GANDALF
Kevin Smith as SILENT GIMLI
Ben Affleck as ARAGORN
Matt Damon as BOROMIR
Jason Lee as FRODO
Joey Lauren Adams as LEGOLAS
Shannon Doherty as GLORFINDEL

ELROND
So what’s the deal with the One Ring? I mean, you have all this power, and you put it in one ring? That makes no sense! It’s like buildings. I mean, why do they call it a building, anyway? If it’s finished, isn’t it already built? And why–

ARAGORN
(smoking)
There IS more than one ring. “Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky, Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone, Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die-”

BOROMIR
(smoking)
Why do you always get all the good fucking lines? You’ve been pulling this shit ever since that cheesy monologue at the end of Good Will Hunting.

ARAGORN
(smoking)
Look, it’s not my fault your most memorable piece of dialogue is “How you like them apples.” I wanted to make that an action movie.

BOROMIR
(smoking)
Yeah, we’ve seen how well you did with that, Pearl Harbor-boy.

ARAGORN
(smoking)
Hey, time’s going to tell on that one, OK…

JAY…er, GANDALF
Yo, so let’s figure out how we’re gonna get rid of this fucking ring, yo.

GLORFINDEL
(smoking)
Shouldn’t we ask Saruman about this? And by the way, whatever happened to me?

JAY…er, GANDALF

No can do, lovely hoochie. Check this shit: I tried to talk to that motherfucker Saruman the White, but his robe was all multi-colored and shit. Then he tried to lock me in his tower, but I busted out the mad, phat magic on his ass. Serves him right for trying to mess with my homies. Snoogans.

Word.