smells fishy…

 Martha Stewart Living Behind Bars

You know the old joke: what do you call an open can of tuna at a lesbian’s housewarming?


I know it’s a bad joke, but they’re my specialty. Which brings me to today’s post about not Squid, but Shrimp. Shrimpy the Shoplifter, to be specific. You know he’s gonna have a great time in prison standing still while all the men sniff his pants. Gotta be a dream come true for some guys, eh?

Giant Food Store employees watched as a customer slipped three bags of frozen shrimp into his baggy pants.

A few minutes later, as two managers at the West Market Street store struggled in the parking lot with the man they suspected was the thief, police said, two of the bags plopped onto the ground.

Then, the thief pulled out a hypodermic syringe from his pocket and threatened the managers with it, police said.

They didn’t take the bait…

And I thought my jokes were bad! Apparently the cops fished out the one bag of shrimp that stuck in the pants (to what??? I ask) and I’d guess it’s even money whether or not they all went back onsale.

There’s a booster ’round these parts that specializes in meat. He steals packages of meat from the grocery stores and sells them in some of the dive bars in the neighborhood; he’s quite well-known and people make appointments and pre-orders and drive in from the suburbs in their SUVs to buy the meat that’s been stolen and stored in this junkie’s pants all day, before being plopped out on a table at, say, the Balmoral, the American, or the Savoy.

Martha would never buy her meat that way, people! A free-range junkie thief is still a junkie thief, and his pants do not meet Foodsafe standards for meat storage units.

No wonder I don’t go to these people’s dinner parties!

Guess who's coming to dinner? Martha!

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